Monster
by sheepish123
Summary: Olivia agrees to take care of an injured and drugged Amanda after the detective is hurt while out in the field, and she must deal with her colleague's extreme physical pain and roller coaster of emotions during the time they spend together. Olivia/Amanda friendship.
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes place in season 18, although Noah, Jesse, and Frannie don't exist, and the events of 18x04's "Heightened Emotions" never happened, so Amanda's sister is not living with her. Trigger warnings for descriptions of physical violence in this chapter and others, and sexual violence toward the end.  
**

 **This fic will be a little bit odd because it will contain quite a mix of both very light and very dark moments (although definitely more dark moments) and Amanda will be pretty out of character and childlike because of the pain pills she is taking.**

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Olivia Benson can't get the screaming out of her head.

She is riding in the back of an ambulance with her blonde colleague; crouched down close to Amanda Rollins who is sprawled across the gurney beside her, the younger woman moaning and gasping in pain. There is blood everywhere, the sticky red substance coating the detective's skin and clothing and dripping onto the floor of the vehicle. Her jacket and protective vest have been removed and are lying in a discarded heap next to Olivia's feet, slash marks from a knife visible in the material, as well as on Amanda's blouse and dress pants, the weapon having ripped right through portions of the garments and lacerating tender skin. Small wounds are peppering Amanda's upper chest, arms, and thighs, and one stands out starkly across her stomach, the weapon having slipped beneath her vest during the assault.

As a paramedic works quickly to insert an IV into her co-worker's forearm, the wails that have long since subsided continue to ricochet inside Olivia's brain, the now-imaginary sounds bouncing around harshly inside her skull, deafening in their intensity and leaving her with a faint ringing in the ears. The ungodly sounds had not been coming from Amanda herself, but the large man who had been trying like crazy to stab her, their suspect lashing out wildly with a kitchen knife while the smaller woman had struggled beneath him, Olivia and Fin and Carisi doing everything they possibly could to pry the savage man off of their colleague. Aside from ragged breaths and slight grunts, Amanda had been mostly silent during the sudden frenzied attack, likely too busy trying to protect herself to utter much noise and stunned by the unexpected ferocity of the situation, having been upright on her feet one second and flung across the ground in the next.

Olivia and her squad had been out in the field, hunting down a suspect in their latest rape case, the man absolutely nowhere to be seen at his residence until he had come charging out of a backyard shed before the area could be fully secured, Amanda right in his path. The younger woman's gun had been knocked from her hand, the weapon skittering across the lawn, and he had been on her in a flash, screaming obscenities into the air and striking out wildly with the knife, the sun glinting brightly off the sharp blade. The attack had been so fast and frantic, the man's movements so completely out of the control, that the knife had embedded itself over and over into the grass while he had hysterically struck out with it, only slicing through Amanda's skin during some of his attempts to cause bodily harm and luckily missing her more often than not.

It had been too difficult to attempt to shoot the suspect without killing Amanda in the process or injuring her further, the man not responding to their shouted orders to cease and desist, a horrifying thought flashing through Olivia's mind that they were actually about to watch their colleague get murdered right in front of them and determined to do absolutely everything she could to prevent that from happening. When the man had raised himself up for a split second, a shot to the shoulder from Fin's gun had caused him to roll right off of Amanda's thrashing, blood-streaked body, and he had collapsed to the ground, wailing in agony and dropping the knife. The suspect had been subdued and hustled away in his own ambulance after the two vehicles had arrived in front of the house, sirens blaring at top volume.

"You're going to be okay, honey," Olivia assures the small detective, gripping Amanda's hand tightly and giving it an encouraging squeeze when the younger woman lets out another low, breathy moan.

Her heart is racing madly in her chest, nervous sweat matting her thick dark hair to her forehead as Olivia tries desperately to keep calm. A modicum of relief unfurls within her as the paramedic explains that the numerous wounds look to be mostly superficial, the knife having glanced off of Amanda's body more often than fully penetrating her, due to the suspect's wild lack of control while stabbing and the squad's frantic efforts to pull the man off of their teammate before further harm could be done. Although several of the cuts are deeper and likely very painful and will definitely require stitches, the majority of them are just grazes and certainly not life-threatening. There is an incredible amount of blood for injuries that are turning out to be relatively minor, and Olivia has a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, mentally urging the ambulance to go faster, as she will not feel fully relieved until Amanda has been examined by the doctor waiting for them in the emergency room.

"Liv, it hurts," Amanda whimpers, fixing pain-filled blue eyes upon her, and Olivia squeezes her hand again, listening as the paramedic tells her colleague that he is going to take care of the discomfort right away and she should be feeling better shortly.

Olivia watches as he injects something into the IV through a needle, the other woman's tense expression and bunched muscles relaxing almost immediately, the pain seeming to ebb from her body and melting away entirely. Amanda is still looking at her, the small detective appearing dazed and sleepy now, the tight grip she has on Olivia's hand loosening and becoming slack. She continues to crouch on the floor beside the gurney as they head toward the hospital, running a soothing hand over her co-worker's blonde head until Amanda's eyes begin to droop closed.

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Olivia is pacing around inside the confined space of the emergency room cubicle, listening to the buzzing of conversations all around her, the beeping of machines and the moaning of patients, an occasional burst of laughter from a merry conversation between nurses breaking up the otherwise depressing atmosphere. Amanda has been all patched up, several of the wounds requiring stitches, and is lying listlessly on the cot in front of her, Fin and Carisi having joined them at the hospital as soon as they were able. Fin is caressing an uncharacteristically gentle hand through his partner's long hair, Carisi perched anxiously on the edge of the bed next to his fellow detective, and Olivia can plainly see how worried they both are despite Amanda's prognosis for a full and speedy recovery, the other woman able to leave the hospital shortly and not even requiring an overnight stay.

The entire squad has been shaken right to the core after witnessing the chaotic scene that had played out that afternoon, one of their own nearly murdered right before their eyes. Olivia's clothes still bare the telltale signs of Amanda's struggle for life, streaks of her colleague's blood staining her blazer and pants, and there are dark red flecks stuck beneath her fingernails, leftover from when she had gripped the younger woman's hand so hard in the ambulance, originally thinking that Amanda had been hurt much worse than she had, and desperately willing her to just hold on until they arrived at the hospital.

The man who had attacked Amanda is also in the building, undergoing emergency surgery in an operating room on a floor upstairs. Fin's gunshot wound hadn't caused a large amount of damage, but the self-inflicted knife wounds that the paramedics had found on the suspect's body had. In the ensuing mayhem after the man had flung himself out of the shed and launched his large body onto Amanda's much smaller one, swinging wildly with the knife, not one of them had realized that he had also been bleeding profusely through his dark winter clothing, apparently having stabbed himself in the torso several times before they had arrived, and that his blood had been mixing in with Amanda's when the knife had been slicing through the detective's tender skin, giving the appearance that Amanda had bled from her wounds much more than she actually had.

The injuries that the smaller woman had sustained are proving to be quite painful, even without the more serious element of deeper cuts, as the ugly wounds are peppered quite regularly over the areas of her body that had been surrounding her protective vest. Olivia had felt sick when she had taken another look at the garment upon exiting the ambulance, the material designed to safeguard against gunshots and not sudden attacks by knife-wielding maniacs, parts of the garment having been slashed to ribbons. She doesn't even want to think what would have happened if Amanda hadn't been wearing it, though, as the vest had at least afforded a small amount of protection, not allowing the knife to penetrate deeper than it had.

When Amanda lets out a low, prolonged moan on the bed, trying unsuccessfully to roll over onto her side while clutching at the stab wound on her stomach, the large hospital gown she is clad in dwarfing her small frame, Fin seems to lose what little patience he had arrived with and stalks out of the cubicle to demand more pain relief for his partner.

"Hey, it's okay, Amanda, we're going to get you some more of the good stuff," Carisi assures the youngest member of their group, and Amanda nods in response, blue eyes clenched shut, her face pale and drawn, fingers squeezing the bed sheets so tightly that her knuckles appear bloodless.

Olivia reaches out to stroke a tender palm over Amanda's hand, trying to get the smaller woman to loosen her death grip on the sheets, as a nurse comes into the tiny space to deliver another shot of painkillers, Fin quick on her heels, his expression fixed into a deep scowl.

Like it had in the ambulance, the medication seems to take immediate effect, these drugs appearing to be even stronger than the ones previous, and Olivia can see Amanda slowly unraveling as they kick in; a relief overtaking the pain once again, silliness replacing the serious, and a more childish version of Amanda emerging from the adult.

The blonde detective lets out a sudden woozy giggle, and they all laugh along with her, the ice broken and the small space at once filled with a much-needed sense of comfort and consolation as Amanda's suffering begins to ease and she experiences a brief respite from the pain. Her head lolls limply on the pillow as the rest of the squad begins to discuss the plans for the night, the hours having ticked away into the late evening.

"Okay, we need to decide what's going to happen for the remainder of the night," Fin says, and Olivia nods her agreement, along with Carisi. "One of us is going to need to go home with her."

Amanda is clearly tuned into the conversation now, despite the drugs coursing through her system, and she regards them all with a suspicious gaze, blonde eyebrows pulled down into an offended frown. "I'm fine, Fin. I can take care of myself," she mutters with a seemingly unconcerned wave of her hand. "I don't need a babysitter."

"I'm afraid this is not an option, baby girl," the older man replies, his tone gentle but with an underlying current of steel, warning his partner not to argue with him. "You're injured and in pain and on lots of medication. You can't go home alone in this condition."

"You can't tell me what to do, Fin," Amanda answers stubbornly, her voice slightly slurred and her blue eyes appearing to lose their focus.

"Oh, yes I can," he says firmly. "This is non-negotiable, Amanda. Choose one of us to take you home, or we'll choose for you."

Olivia watches as Amanda appears to pout for a moment before looking at each one of her teammates in turn, spearing them intently with her hazy blue gaze, clearly considering her options very carefully, the younger woman's eyes finally coming to rest on her.

"Okay, fine, I choose Lieutenant Livvy," Amanda mumbles, pointing a shaky finger in Olivia's general direction.

" _Lieutenant_ _Livvy_?" Carisi repeats with a surprised snicker, and Olivia can hear Fin snorting in amusement under his breath.

"Yes, I want my favorite boss," Amanda confirms, a drugged smile stretching across her face as she continues to regard Olivia with a foggy gaze, and her own lips twitch in response to the younger woman's confession, not sure whether to be relieved or concerned that Amanda has chosen her.

She is well aware that out of the three of them, Fin and Carisi and herself, she is by far the least-liked member of the group when it comes to Amanda's personal preferences and opinions on her squad members; Olivia and the other woman sharing a somewhat confusing relationship at the precinct, seeming to swing back and forth quite regularly with their trust of one another, not to mention a whole host of other issues that have never been fully dealt with. While Amanda shares rich and deep friendships and connections outside of work with both Fin and Carisi, the younger woman having grown quite close to the men on their team, the same cannot be said about her relationship or lack thereof with Olivia.

Carisi is still smirking in hilarity over Amanda's choice of which person to take home with her, a war of mixed feelings winding their way through Olivia's system, when she feels Fin take hold of her arm and gently pull her aside.

"Hey, Liv, I feel that I should warn you about something," the older man says quietly, the concern very evident in his tone.

"Oh? What's that?" she replies, keeping her voice at a low volume so the junior members of their squad don't overhear.

"Amanda doesn't tolerate pain medication very well," he continues, inclining his head toward his partner as the younger woman reaches out with one finger to poke Carisi in the ribs and then giggles at her action, proving Fin's point. "I spent a lot of time with her after she got shot, and her moods are all over the place when she's on these kind of drugs. One minute she's up, the next minute she's down, and things can go from light to dark with the snap of a finger."

He hesitates for a moment. "She talked a lot about monsters the last time something like this happened, but I could never get a straight answer from her when I asked her what she meant. She would just start laughing in response. Our conversations were often quite confusing and didn't make much sense, and she didn't remember anything we had been discussing when she finally came down from her high." There is another brief hesitation. "She's a bit of a handful."

"When isn't she a handful?" Olivia asks wryly, quirking an eyebrow at him in response, and Fin chuckles in acknowledgment.

"Well, I guess you're right about that," he replies lightly, and Olivia observes him grinning affectionately at his partner, Carisi wisely choosing to move off the side of the bed as Amanda's roving fingers come after him, apparently looking for a tickle fight.

Olivia shakes her head slightly at the scene playing out before her, Carisi now standing beside the hospital bed as Amanda repeatedly reaches out for him, the IV attached to her arm swinging precariously in the air, obviously wanting her fellow detective to engage with her. The younger man's ears have turned pink from the uncharacteristically silly attention being paid toward him, and Fin snickers at Carisi's clear embarrassment and discomfort with the situation.

"Well, I'm sure it's nothing that I can't handle," Olivia answers slowly, cocking her head to the side as she observes Amanda's goofy behavior, but there is a tinge of doubt in her voice as she says the words while stepping back toward the bed.

"Okay, Amanda, are you sure this is what you want?" she asks, raising her voice to be heard over the smaller woman's constant chuckles, Amanda's extreme amusement with her teasing of Carisi filling the little space with a strangely joyful noise, considering the circumstances they are currently in.

"Huh?" the blonde detective responds sluggishly, redirecting her gaze from Carisi and staring at Olivia as if having completely forgotten that her lieutenant is standing right there in front of her. "What do I want?"

Olivia stifles a sigh of impatience as she leans down to put a soft hand on Amanda's forearm, making sure the other woman's attention remains focused solely on her, so that the detective understands exactly what is going on in her drug-addled state.

"Are you okay with me coming home with you for the night?" Olivia says with raised eyebrows, wanting to be absolutely clear in reminding Amanda that she has indeed chosen her boss to be the babysitter, so to speak, but that it is okay to change her mind at any time before they leave the hospital.

"You're coming home with me?" Amanda replies in confusion, blonde tangle of hair spilling down one shoulder as she tilts her head to the side, squinting up at Olivia like the medication has made it hard for her to see properly.

Before Olivia can respond, Fin is crouching down next to the bed, letting out the same loud sigh of exasperation that Olivia had just been trying so hard to hold in. The older man's usually calm and collected demeanor seems quite frazzled now, his nerves raw and frayed to the breaking point as he grips onto his partner's hand and squeezes in both annoyance and protection, Amanda's exhausted gaze now swinging back and forth between Fin and Olivia in a somewhat perplexed manner.

Olivia lays a gentle hand on her colleague's shoulder, feeling Fin's tense muscles bunching tightly beneath her touch, and she knows that it is going to take some time for all of them to recover from this unexpectedly terrifying day; that although they are pulling together as a team to take care of one of their own while she is down and out, the array of carefully contained feelings and emotions simmering just below the surface are threatening to explode. They have been in this situation far too many times now; colleagues injured in the field, some beyond help, and although Amanda will likely be back on the job within the next few weeks, absolutely fine and fit for duty, Olivia is well aware that what had taken place that afternoon goes way beyond the physical component of healing and that she needs to keep a very close eye on her team; needs to make sure that they are all okay in every sense of the word.

"Do you remember what we just talked about, baby girl?" Fin inquires softly, moving a stray hair out of his partner's face, and Amanda gives him a drugged grin in return, shrugging her shoulders as if to say she has no idea what is going on.

Olivia crouches down on the opposite side of the bed, tangling her fingers with Amanda's other hand and grasping firmly. "Is it okay if I come home with you for the night to take care of you?" she asks very gently, any lingering feelings of impatience melting away when she observes how vulnerable the other woman looks in her large hospital gown, a dark purple bruise forming around the IV taped to her forearm and spreading out to encompass the surrounding pale skin, faint streaks of blood still visible on the exposed parts of her body.

Amanda turns her drugged grin on Olivia and grips her hand back with a surprising amount of strength, apparently changing her mind about not needing a babysitter; either unable to remember the contentious relationship that she and her lieutenant share or choosing to ignore it altogether, her eagerness to spend time with Olivia quite apparent when she speaks her next words.

"Sure, that's okay with me, Livvy!" Amanda slurs enthusiastically in response. "I want you to come home with me. I want my favorite boss to take care of me."


	2. Chapter 2

It is well after midnight by the time Amanda has been settled into her own bed, tucked snugly underneath the covers, everything she could possibly need within easy reach on the nightstand right next to her; painkillers, a large glass of water, a package of crackers, her cell phone, and reading material. Olivia is perched on a kitchen chair beside her colleague's bed, keeping a close watch over Amanda while the detective drifts in and out of a restless slumber and mumbles incoherently under her breath from time to time, the bizarre words that are being uttered mingling in with the occasional soft moan of pain.

Despite being so adamant in the emergency room about maintaining her independence once she arrived home, Amanda had been very insistent that Olivia not leave her side upon returning to her apartment, begging her over and over again to share the bed and keep her company, instead of sleeping on the couch like Olivia had originally planned. She had compromised, her heart aching at the uncharacteristically vulnerable pleas from her co-worker, choosing to drag a heavy kitchen chair into the bedroom to sit upon, not wanting to risk being in such tight quarters with someone so injured, and possibly rolling over in her sleep and hurting the smaller woman even further.

Olivia shifts awkwardly in the hard wooden chair as she scrolls quickly through a document on her laptop, her back already beginning to cramp up from the uncomfortable position. She makes sure the light on the computer is turned down as low as it can go while still being able to see the screen properly, so as not to disturb Amanda in her uneasy slumber. The man who had so viciously attacked her colleague is now in a coma and on life-support at the hospital, having just barely survived major surgery, and she is waiting for an update on his condition. The situation is not looking good, as his self-inflicted knife wounds had been too deep, the weapon nicking more than one vital organ in the process of his frenzy, causing severe hemorrhaging and damage, and Olivia is expecting to receive a phone call at any moment, telling her that he has succumbed to his injuries.

The man has been their prime suspect in a series of brutal rapes and beatings committed on several teenage girls in the area, as well as causing grievous bodily harm to her colleague, and although she would never admit it aloud, Olivia can't bring herself to feel sorry that he may lose his life. She has been unable to wipe the images and sounds from her mind of the chaotic violence she had witnessed several hours before; Amanda lying defenseless on the ground while the much larger man had sat astride her body, striking out again and again with the knife, his intent to commit murder quite obvious as the high pitched shrieks had poured unabating from his mouth, completely ignoring their shouts to drop the weapon.

It had been very difficult to keep Amanda comfortable on the way home from the hospital, getting her situated in the backseat with Olivia while Fin drove, the plan being to stop at Olivia's apartment to pick up everything she would need for an overnight stay before Fin dropped them off at Amanda's place for the rest of the night. After shifting around and trying to find the best position possible, Amanda had ended up flat out on her back with her head in Olivia's lap and her legs folded up awkwardly against the door, the stab wound on her stomach proving too painful to put a seat belt over. Fin had retrieved an old blanket from the trunk to cover his partner up with, guarding against the chill of the late winter air and the constant shivers that the medication had seemed to produce. Olivia had stroked a soothing hand repeatedly through Amanda's mess of blonde hair, lulling the younger woman into a light sleep, Amanda waking up again as soon as they had reached Olivia's apartment.

The detective had been oddly upset about her brief separation from Olivia, grasping groggily onto her thighs as she had tried to ease herself out from beneath the smaller woman as gently as possible before vacating the vehicle. Amanda had apparently been convinced that she was being abandoned for the remainder of the night and that when Olivia went upstairs to her apartment, she was never coming back. Fin had gotten into the backseat to soothe his partner while Olivia raced up to her unit, trying to pack everything as quickly as she could in order to return in a timely fashion to her suddenly very needy and clingy subordinate. She had resumed her previous position upon re-entering the car, Amanda's relief quite palpable as she had laid her head back down on Olivia's lap, lacing their fingers together and holding their joined hands beneath her cheek, cold skin resting lightly against Olivia's fist as she had drifted back into a troubled slumber.

When they had reached Amanda's building, it had taken the combined efforts of both Olivia and Fin to get their colleague safely upstairs, the younger woman still half asleep, the injuries and the medication clearly having taken a heavy toll on her. The blonde detective had barely been able to remain upright in the elevator, Olivia and Fin standing on either side of her shaking body, each with a firm arm hooked around one of Amanda's elbows to keep the swaying woman on her feet. Amanda had been giggling again, repeatedly referring to her colleagues as 'Livvy' and 'Finny' and Olivia had been overcome with a strangely domestic, familial feeling, as if she and Fin were taking care of their unruly toddler or drunk teenager.

Before leaving the hospital, a nurse had helped Amanda change from her gown into some borrowed scrubs, as the younger woman's clothing had been left shredded and bloodied by their suspect's knife attack, and had been taken in for evidence. Olivia had chosen to leave Amanda in the scrubs instead of suggesting that she change into a pair of pajamas, as it had seemed unnecessary to put her colleague through even more pain than she was already experiencing, the scrubs appearing to be a very comfortable alternative for the more traditional sleepwear.

"Livvy?" a small voice suddenly says, breaking the silence in the dim room.

Olivia sighs and rolls her eyes, lip quirking up at the side in a slight smile as her gaze immediately lifts from the computer screen to focus on her colleague, Amanda now awake and regarding her with heavy-lidded blue eyes. "Yes, Mandy?" she replies teasingly.

"I'm lonely," Amanda replies, voice sounding even smaller now.

Olivia refrains from rolling her eyes again, trying to keep the grin on her face from widening, as she knows Amanda has a good view of her expression in the light from the laptop screen, and doesn't want the younger woman to think she is being made fun of. "How can you be lonely? We're in the same room."

"But not in the same bed," Amanda points out.

"That's because there's only one bed in this room," Olivia responds reasonably.

"Well, why aren't you in it with me?" Amanda asks, a hint of whine in her tone now. "You can't sleep in a chair."

"I can and I will," Olivia answers firmly, neglecting to mention that she is actually something an expert at this sort of thing, and it is far from the first time she has had to take up this kind of position during the night to watch over someone while they were ill or injured; sometimes due to the person's own actions. She had spent many a night in her youth slumped over in a chair next to her alcoholic mother's bed, listening to the older woman's ragged breathing and loud snoring, terrified that she was going to choke on her own vomit and die during her booze-induced slumber, and Olivia would be left all alone.

"I want you to sleep with me," Amanda says shyly.

"Amanda, we've already talked about this," she reminds the younger woman gently. "I don't want to aggravate your injuries and risk hurting you any more than you already are."

" _Please_ , Livvy," Amanda responds pitifully. "I'm cold and scared and everything hurts."

"Which is exactly why we _shouldn't_ be sleeping in the same bed," Olivia argues softly, her heart aching at the other woman's drug-induced revelations, the small detective usually loathe to admit that she is anything but absolutely fine. "You can't have anymore painkillers just yet, but I can get you another blanket, if you want." She leans closer to the bed, placing a tender hand over Amanda's and giving it a light squeeze. "Why are you scared, honey?"

"When I was a little girl, I used to think there was a monster living in my closet," Amanda confesses in a hushed tone, tangling their fingers tightly together and causing Olivia to frown in response.

"Okay..." she trails off, feeling somewhat confused now. "Well, I think that's a pretty normal childhood fear," she adds, recalling that she herself had been afraid of the same thing as a kid; that the monsters hiding under the bed would come and get her while her mother was passed out and unable to save her, but she is unsure of what these mythical creatures have to do with the adult version of Amanda and the current situation they are in.

"Well, what if it's still in there?" Amanda says in a stage whisper, as if afraid that there is actually another entity in the room with them that will overhear their conversation. "What if there's a monster in my closet right now?"

Olivia sputters out an incredulous laugh before she can stop herself, quickly clearing her throat to cover up the sound. "Okay, Amanda, no more drugs for you," she states, only half-jokingly. "You're officially cut off. Fin was right about you not being able to handle the pain medication."

She is about to gently chastise her co-worker even further when she suddenly stops speaking, remembering what Fin had said at the hospital about Amanda's fear of monsters. Not used to dealing with this childlike version of her colleague, Olivia is momentarily at a loss for words, familiar only with the professional and serious side of Amanda; the smart and passionate woman who tends to drive her a bit crazy at the precinct, the eagerness that her subordinate has for solving cases and doing things her own way tending to get her into trouble more often than not, and definitely keeping Olivia on her toes.

"There is no monster in your closet," she says reassuringly, deciding that until the mood-altering drugs are out of the smaller woman's system, she will respectfully treat Amanda as someone much younger than she actually is and not as the brilliant and capable detective that she knows her to be.

"Well, okay, if you say so," Amanda answers in a tone that implies she is far from convinced.

"Honey, why are you so worried about this?" Olivia asks softly. "Fin said something like this happened the last time you were on pain medication; that you talked about this kind of thing with him. Do you remember having those conversations with him?"

Amanda stares at her uncomprehendingly for a moment, before giving a slow shake of her head, her shoulders hunching up to her ears in an exaggerated shrug.

"Well, do you want to try and talk about it now?" Olivia continues quietly, setting the laptop aside and kneeling down on the floor next to the bed as she gives the smaller woman's hand another light squeeze. "Can you tell me why something that scared you as a kid is still scaring you now, especially when you know it's not real?"

Amanda cocks her head to the side and appears to be studying Olivia as intently as she can through her drugged haze, blue eyes piercing steadily into her own brown ones, when she suddenly pulls her hand away and straightens up on the bed with a slight grunt of pain. "You know, you don't have to be here, Liv. You can go home, if you want. No one has a gun to your head, forcing you to stay with me. I'm fine on my own."

"What? You can't be serious," Olivia replies, rearing back in stunned surprise, as Amanda seems to have done another complete turnaround when it comes to her independence and attitude, the change in both extremely abrupt. "This conversation alone is telling me that you're not fine, never mind the severe amount of pain that you still seem to be in. If you don't want to talk about something that's making you uncomfortable, that's okay, but I'm staying here with you for the night, and that's final, Amanda. No more arguing on this subject, please. And I know that no one is forcing me to be here with you. I _want_ to be here."

"No, you should probably go," Amanda says, the firmness in her voice laced with misery as she turns her head away from Olivia and tries to roll over onto her side, a sharp hiss of pain escaping from her lips.

"Hey, hey, be careful there, honey," Olivia warns, scrambling quickly to her feet and gently grasping onto Amanda's upper arms, slowly turning her over so that she is laying on her back once again. "Try to stay still; you're going to hurt yourself even more."

Amanda's head is tilted up toward the ceiling now, teeth clamping down hard on her lower lip and eyelids blinking rapidly, her hair splayed out in a tangled golden curtain across the pillowcase.

"What's going on, Amanda?" Olivia asks softly, waiting patiently when the other woman is silent for a long moment, seemingly trying very hard to gather her jumbled, confused thoughts together.

"Liv, I don't really like being on these meds," Amanda finally whispers, her voice sounding somewhat choked up when she speaks again. "They make me feel weird. I feel stupid and scared at the same time. And they don't even help that much with the pain." There is a brief pause. "They make me think about things I don't want to remember."

Olivia frowns in concern, hovering uncertainly over Amanda's trembling form for several seconds, before deciding to perch very gingerly on the edge of the bed next to her. "What kind of things?" she whispers back, feathering her fingers gently through Amanda's hair and pushing the blonde strands away from her face so she can get a better look at the other woman's expression.

She is beginning to wonder if the 'monster' that Amanda is referring to is actually a human being, and the younger woman is getting certain events mixed up in her brain because of the amount of medication coursing through her system; the past and the present colliding into each other and creating a confusing mix of half-remembered experiences, fact and fiction blurring together until one is indistinguishable from the other.

Amanda's eyes are bright with unshed tears, and Olivia's heart clenches when she sees the depth of pain, both physical and emotional, residing inside the misty blue orbs. "Liv, I didn't mean what I said before," the detective replies, apparently choosing to ignore the question that has just been asked. "Don't leave, okay?"

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise," Olivia assures her, thinking how right Fin had been when he had mentioned the mood swings that came with the drugs, but also recognizing that it is a necessary evil in order for Amanda to have at least a small amount of relief from the pain.

She watches as her colleague reaches up to touch the hand that is still stroking through her long hair, lacing their fingers together and clutching Olivia's hand to her chest. "Liv, it hurts so much," the detective gasps out, breath catching in her throat as a wave of pain seems to overtake her.

"I'm so sorry, honey," Olivia replies with sympathy, gritting her teeth together as she watches the other woman writhe on the bed momentarily before settling back down against the mattress, Amanda's delicate features contorted in anguish.

She glances at the clock, relieved to see that just enough time has passed since Amanda had been given a last dose of painkillers before leaving the hospital, and that it is now safe to let her have a couple of the pills from the container on the nightstand. Olivia is a little apprehensive about the situation, considering the way her colleague has behaved so far while under the influence of the strong narcotics, but she knows there is not much choice in the matter, despite her earlier joking of Amanda being cut off. The younger woman needs to maintain some sort of pain control until she begins to heal, despite the unpleasant and unpredictable side effects, so the discomfort of her injuries don't get too out of hand and become even harder to manage.

Olivia remains perched on the side of the bed as she gently helps Amanda into a more upright position so she can swallow the pills without choking on them. As the younger woman takes the tablets from her hand and pops them into her mouth, washing them down with a long gulp of water from the glass, she can't help but notice the bruises and scratches that are now standing out starkly on Amanda's pale arms, mixing in with the deeper cuts that had needed to be stitched up, the wounds clearly visible even in the dim lighting of the bedroom.

"Wow, our suspect really did a number on you, didn't he?" Olivia murmurs with a small shake of her head, throat tightening briefly as she considers the sheer number of injuries her colleague had received in such a short amount of time, the duration of the attack only spanning a few minutes before the bullet from Fin's gun had put a stop to the assault.

"They're all over my entire body," Amanda responds quietly. "He was really rough with me, Liv."

"I know he was, honey," she replies softly, thinking that Amanda's comment is actually the understatement of the century, as 'rough' doesn't even begin to cover how their suspect had treated her, Olivia reminded once again of just how close they had some to losing their co-worker and friend.

A wave of sorrow and grief washes over her, even though Amanda is sitting right there beside her, alive, if not quite well, and she swallows hard against the large lump in her throat, shifting even closer to the younger woman on the mattress. Olivia feels the sudden need to be in very close physical proximity to the detective, even though she is still uneasy about touching Amanda too often, aside from running a soothing hand through her hair from time to time, afraid that too much contact will cause even more harm and agony. She keeps a hand on top of the covers, resting comfortingly next to the smaller woman's leg while they wait for the medication to take effect, listening to her colleague's soft sighs of pain and trying not to let her eyelids droop closed with exhaustion.

This has proven to be a very long night so far and there doesn't appear to be an end in sight, as Olivia is guessing they will both be getting little to no sleep over the next several hours. She is unsure of exactly what awaits her in terms of Amanda's emotions and behavior, and is tempted to go out to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee if there isn't much chance that she will actually be sleeping at some point, but refrains from doing so as she doesn't feel good about leaving Amanda alone for any length of time, especially now that she has just taken more medication.

It is obvious when the drugs kick in, because the smaller woman heaves a sudden giant, dramatic sigh, but Olivia can tell that it is not a sound caused by physical or emotional distress, like it had been earlier. Amanda's body language is much more relaxed and less rigid now, the blonde detective staring openly at her, looking like a thought has just occurred to her and she is eager to say something.

"What's going on, Amanda?" Olivia asks somewhat wearily, sensing that the mood in the room has changed yet again, and the conversation is about to take another turn for the ridiculous, her suspicions proving correct when Amanda speaks again.

"Livvy, do you ever wish we were best friends?"

Olivia's lip twitches in surprised amusement at this question, considering the contentious relationship that she and the younger woman usually share at the precinct, and the fact that they spend absolutely no time together outside of work. "To be honest with you, I haven't really given it much thought," she replies, before lapsing into silence for a moment. "Why, is it something you wish?"

"Yes," Amanda says shyly, a hint of hurt apparent in her tone when she continues talking. "So you've never even thought about us being friends?"

"Well, yes, I've thought about us being friends," Olivia answers truthfully once again. "But you were asking specifically about being best friends."

"So we can only be friends and not best friends?" Amanda challenges, fixing her with that drugged blue gaze.

"Honey, maybe we should talk about this when you're not on so much medication," Olivia suggests gently, wondering if she is going to suffer whiplash from being yanked back and forth so hard between the different moods and conversations that have been taking place in Amanda's bedroom, and coming to the conclusion that is it definitely getting far too late for this.

"Is it because you don't like me?" Amanda continues on as if Olivia hasn't even spoken, and she is noticing a somewhat irritating behavioral pattern that has begun to emerge over the past few hours; that if the younger woman decides she doesn't want to respond to something in one of their discussions, then she chooses to completely ignore it.

"Amanda, I like you just fine," Olivia assures her tiredly, pinching the skin between her eyebrows and feeling a headache coming on. "How about we quiet down now and try to get some sleep? It's late and you need your rest, and quite frankly, so do I. Less talking and more sleeping, okay?"

"But I'm not tired," Amanda protests, looking and sounding remarkably like a cranky toddler, the petulant whine in her voice matching the disgruntled way that the smaller woman's arms have crossed over her chest.

"Well, that surprises me, considering you seem to have enough drugs in your system to sedate an elephant," Olivia responds wryly. "How about we at least _try_ to quiet down a bit, okay?"

"Okay, no problem, Livvy," Amanda replies agreeably, and Olivia stifles a sigh, because she can tell by the other woman's tone that the silence isn't going to last long.

Sure enough, the lull in conversation is quite brief before Amanda is opening her mouth yet again. "Liv, do you think I'm immature?" the younger woman asks, and this time Olivia doesn't even try to hold back the snort of laughter that comes bursting forth from between her lips.

"Honey, I don't think now is the right time to be asking me that question," she chuckles gently.

"So is that why you don't want to be friends with me?" Amanda says softly. "Because I'm immature? Because you're Lieutenant Livvy and I'm just Detective Mandy?"

Olivia rolls her eyes and groans softly. "Please do me a favor and don't start referring to us as 'Lieutenant Livvy' and 'Detective Mandy' when we're at the precinct, okay? We sound like some sort of cartoon crime-fighting duo," she smirks, and then sighs deeply when she notices the expectant look on Amanda's face, realizing the other woman is waiting for an actual answer. "You're not going to let this go, are you?"

Amanda shakes her head, that vulnerable expression on her face once again, like she is going to fall to pieces if she doesn't get exactly the answer she is hoping for, and Olivia decides to tread very carefully with this conversation, still finding it thoroughly strange to be dealing with this aspect of her colleague's personality; these odd qualities thankfully only seeming to make an appearance when she is under the influence of narcotics. Her subordinate is turning out to be quite a bit more high maintenance than she is on a regular basis, although a tiny part of Olivia has to admit that these current traits are somewhat endearing and adorable, along with being highly annoying and exhausting.

Amanda seems to be quite intent with carrying on a serious conversation, and it is proving to be a very difficult task for Olivia to accomplish, under the circumstances. The smaller woman is drowning in the hospital scrubs she is wearing, her long blonde hair tangled like a child's, purple smudges of fatigue standing out beneath glazed blue eyes, and Olivia feels an overwhelming urge to lean over and scoop Amanda into her lap. She is experiencing an odd sensation of simultaneously fighting back another wave of laughter while feeling like her heart is breaking; torn in two as she observes the full spectrum of her colleague's emotions and actions, from the intense suffering to the extreme silliness.

"Honey, of course we can be friends," Olivia says gently. "And I don't think you're immature. Tonight might be a bit of an exception, but that's not your fault, and it doesn't even have to count, okay?" she adds lightly. "To be perfectly honest, Amanda, one of the reasons I've held back for all these years was because I assumed you didn't like _me_."

She feels utterly ridiculous admitting something like this, a lieutenant of the Special Victims Unit who is over the age of fifty actually being worried that her subordinate dislikes her, and she winces internally at the childish statement, even though what she has just said is entirely true. She and Amanda hadn't gotten off on the right foot all those years ago when the detective had transferred from Atlanta, and Olivia knows that it is largely due to her own behavior; the extreme reluctance and standoffish attitude that she had first portrayed setting them on the wrong path and continuing throughout the ensuing years.

"Huh?" Amanda appears completely dumbfounded now. "But Liv, you're my favorite boss. Of course I like you."

"Yes, honey, you mentioned that a couple of times in the emergency room," Olivia chuckles appreciatively. "Thank you for saying that."

"Do you want to know a secret?" Amanda whispers conspiratorially, leaning forward on the mattress, a slight grimace crossing her features as she appears to briefly lose her balance, the pain making a reappearance.

"Sure," Olivia whispers back, reaching out a hand to steady the other woman.

"I like you the _most_ , Liv," Amanda confides, her serious tone not matching the somewhat slurred quality of her words. "That's why I picked you to take me home. But I always thought you were the one who didn't like _me_."

Olivia laughs lightly at this revelation, a feeling of wonder and warmth unfurling inside her chest; coming to the stark realization that it shouldn't have taken one of them nearly losing her life to finally be admitting this to each other. "Well, it appears that we've been getting our wires crossed all this time, then," she says gently.

"Well, how do we uncross them?" Amanda replies, her brow puckered as if in deep concentration.

"I think we're off to a pretty good start tonight," Olivia answers softly, stroking a tender hand through Amanda's hair and urging the other woman to lean back against the pillows again. "But I also think this is something to worry about a little later, okay? Right now we are both in desperate need of a good sleep. It's the middle of the night, honey. Let's settle down now, alright?"

"Alright," Amanda agrees quietly, her big blue eyes fixed intensely upon Olivia, a pleading expression on her face now, and she knows what the younger woman's next question is going to be before she even asks it. "Will you please sleep in the bed with me, Liv? You won't hurt me." There is a slight pause, and the small detective's voice is shaking slightly when she speaks again. "I need you. I don't want to be alone."

Olivia smiles gently at her colleague before getting to her feet and walking around to the other side of the mattress. "Okay, honey," she agrees gently.

xxxxxxxxxx

When Olivia awakens again, it is still dark in the room and she is dismayed to find herself alone in the bed, the vacated sheets rumpled and chilled as if Amanda has been gone for quite some time, and she curses herself for falling into such a deep sleep that she hadn't heard the younger woman leave. Her concern instantly switches to panic when she hears violent retching coming from the direction of the bathroom, and she quickly scrambles out from beneath the covers, hurrying into the next room. Olivia doesn't even bother knocking at the door that is standing partway open, stopping short at what she sees.

Amanda is crouched on the floor next to the toilet, clad in the hospital scrub top and a pair of underwear, a thin line of blood blooming across the front of her shirt and tears running down her pale cheeks, a disoriented expression on her face. The younger woman's pants and socks have been removed and appear to have been flung carelessly across the tiles, although one of the socks has somehow made its way up onto the counter and is dangling precariously over the edge.

"Liv, I don't feel well," Amanda moans, squinting up at Olivia and wiping the back of a hand over her mouth. "I don't want anymore pills, okay? They're making me sick. They're making me see things."

"Whoa, Amanda, what's going on in here?" Olivia asks in alarm, rushing towards the other woman and kneeling down next to her, hands braced on the detective's shoulders as she tries to get a look at the front of the other woman's body. "What happened? Did you rip your stitches open when you threw up? Where is that blood coming from?"

"Liv, I don't feel well," Amanda repeats, her voice breaking on a sob, seemingly unconcerned with the dark red liquid that is slowly seeping through the material of her shirt. "They're in my head."

"Okay, honey, just take a deep breath and tell me exactly what's going on," Olivia instructs, both hands on Amanda's damp, pale cheeks now, holding the other woman's head steady and trying to maintain eye contact with her. "Who's in your head?"

"The monsters," Amanda whimpers, one hand clutching at her own hair and the other clenched tightly onto Olivia's forearm, fingernails digging hard enough into her skin to leave marks. "They're not in my closet anymore. They're in my head and I can't get them out."


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia is kneeling behind Amanda on the bathroom floor, having gathered her colleague's long hair into a hasty ponytail to keep it out of her face while she is being sick, rubbing continuous circles on the smaller woman's back as she vomits into the toilet yet again. Olivia is anxious to get a look at the front of the blonde detective's body to see where the blood is coming from and to determine if a return trip to the hospital is necessary, but Amanda hasn't been able to stop throwing up long enough for her to check. She knows they need to talk about whatever is going on with Amanda's seemingly intense and all-consuming fear of monsters; whether they are a product of the drugs or something she is remembering from the past, but that it will have to come secondary to what is occurring at the moment.

Amanda has been vomiting so much, it is making Olivia wince with sympathy and causing her even more apprehension about the blood she has seen; the urgency to determine exactly which wounds had been reopened inducing a concerned impatience and the anxious need to check, but she has no choice except to wait. When the younger woman finally leans wearily away from the toilet, her back coming to rest against Olivia's chest, she is mumbling something through quick panting breaths about needing to take a shower and brush her teeth.

"I don't think that's a very good idea right now, honey," Olivia cautions, trying to keep an undercurrent of alarm out of her voice as she carefully turns Amanda around in her embrace, taking in the ghostly white pallor of her face and the beads of sweat lining her forehead and upper lip. "You can worry about getting cleaned up later on. Right now I need to take a look at you, okay?"

"I need a shower," Amanda murmurs, her glassy blue eyes making contact with Olivia's dark brown ones, the other woman still appearing somewhat dazed and disoriented. "I need to wash the blood off."

"Is that why you were taking your clothes off?" Olivia questions, gesturing to the scrub pants and socks that have been flung out in a hurried, careless manner across the cold tiles. "You wanted to take a shower?"

Amanda nods in response, struggling to get to her feet on violently shuddering legs, and Olivia quickly scrambles up next to her, not wanting the smaller woman to hurt herself any more than she already has. She can see the collection of bruises and scratches and cuts standing out on her colleague's pale thighs, and despite the worry that is threatening to spiral out of control, she is relieved that there is no blood in that particular area and that it seems to be confined to the upper part of Amanda's body.

"Well, honey, I think trying to stop the bleeding should have been much more important than taking a shower," she admonishes her, a bit more sternly than she had intended. "And you shouldn't be getting your wounds wet right now, anyway. You should have woken me up when you needed to be sick. I could have helped you out, and now you might have ripped your stitches open. You need to be a little more careful."

"Don't yell at me," Amanda slurs, swiping out at her with a shaky hand as if to push Olivia away, and she lunges forward to catch the younger woman when she suddenly loses her footing and slips. "There wasn't time to wake you up. And I _was_ being careful."

"Whoa, there!" Olivia gasps, hoisting Amanda's trembling form back up to her full height before she can fall to the floor, holding onto her colleague with one hand and quickly leaning over to flush the toilet and shut the lid with the other. "You're really unsteady on your feet there, honey. Let's sit you down here, okay?"

"Don't be mad at me, Livvy," Amanda whimpers, as Olivia slowly lowers her down onto the closed toilet seat. "And don't yell at me," she repeats, sounding close to tears again.

"I'm not mad and I'm not yelling," Olivia assures the younger woman, softening her voice to a much more soothing tone as she kneels down in front of her and places a hand on each of Amanda's knees, peering into her co-worker's face and trying to get the detective to meet her gaze. There is still a certain urgency to her words and actions, but she makes sure to keep her tone even and pacifying as she continues to speak. "I just want you to try and be more careful, okay? You don't need to do everything on your own when I'm here with you. I know that's what you're used to doing because you live by yourself, just like I do. I think people like us get used to looking after ourselves and not needing anyone else, but I'm here to help you now, so if you need something, you can wake me up, alright?"

"Alright," Amanda whispers in agreement, slumping forward so abruptly that Olivia has to reach out and catch her again, the other woman's head coming to rest groggily upon her shoulder.

"Okay, honey, I need to take a look at you," she repeats somewhat firmly, refraining from chastising her colleague about trying to take a shower when she can't even sit up properly without assistance, immensely relieved that she had woken up before Amanda could attempt that improbable feat by herself and likely avoiding having to call for an ambulance.

"Amanda, I need to lift your shirt up for a minute, if that's okay," Olivia continues, pulling back slightly and letting her eyes roam over the material to see if she can get a better idea of where the blood is coming from. There are red smears in a few different spots and it is hard to tell where the location of the open wound is, or if there is more than one. "You might have just reopened some of the smaller cuts on your chest, which should be an easy fix right here, but if you've actually ripped your stitches from that bigger stab wound on your stomach, we're going to have to go back to the emergency room and have a doctor take care of it."

"Well, you're gonna have to stitch 'em up yourself because I'm not going back," Amanda says resolutely, quivering hands clutching onto Olivia's shoulders now as she appears to be trying to balance herself. "Or better yet, just give me a needle and thread, and I'll do it right here. I'm a tough Southern girl, Liv; I can take care of it myself."

Olivia neglects to mention that 'tough' is the complete opposite of how the other woman looks at the moment, Amanda slumped there in her underwear, blonde hair sticking out from the hastily gathered ponytail and standing up around her head in a halo of golden static, patches of blood staining her scrub top, and small body shaking like a leaf. "Yes, I'm sure you can do it yourself, honey," she replies, deciding to humor the younger woman in her drugged and seemingly delusional state. "But it would be much safer to have a doctor do it for you, if that's what is needed, okay? But we won't know what to do until I take a look."

Olivia has her arms wrapped around Amanda as delicately as she possibly can in order to keep her upright, but she is afraid of putting too much pressure on the other woman's body, the detective shaking very hard in her embrace now. There is the very real probability that Amanda won't be able to sit there properly without falling over as Olivia examines her, and she decides it would be better to do this in the bedroom so her colleague can lay down on the bed while she checks her out.

"Okay, come on, honey, let's go back to your room, alright?" Olivia says softly, hoisting Amanda to her feet as carefully as she can. "You'll be more comfortable in there. Do you think you're done being sick? I know the medication can really upset your stomach."

Amanda nods shakily, grasping at Olivia with clumsy hands as they stumble into the next room together. "I'm dizzy, Liv," she moans, and Olivia can feel small fingers repeatedly grabbing onto the back of her pajama shirt and then slipping off again, as if Amanda is having trouble finding purchase and maintaining a firm grip.

"I know, honey," she replies gently. "That's why you're going to lay back down while I take a look at your injuries, okay?"

Olivia can tell by the sudden increase in her colleague's breathing and the rapid beat of the younger woman's heart beneath her palm that Amanda is becoming panicked once again. She is aware that the detective appears to be triggered by something, and that it has been happening over and over throughout the course of the night, the other woman's frequent mentions of the monsters that haunt her echoing in Olivia's brain. Whether the medication is having an effect on Amanda's current thoughts and memories of past events or if she had been suffering through nightmares before she had awoken and needed to be sick, Olivia is not entirely sure. She wonders with a sinking sensation in the pit of her stomach if she herself is triggering Amanda by her somewhat vehement demands to look at the other woman's wounds to check for the source of the bleeding, and she swallows hard, not wanting to force her co-worker to do anything that she is uncomfortable with, but not seeing any other way around this situation unless they just head right back to the emergency room.

She is aware that Amanda has some demons from the past; terrible things that have happened to her and certain hardships that she has had to endure, but even after all these years of working side by side, they still don't know each other very well and Olivia is unsure if whatever is triggering her is based on something sexual or physical or psychological. She doesn't know if Amanda is remembering past events like the younger woman claims to have been doing earlier, because of the effects of the narcotics, or if her mind has been conjuring up new imaginary monsters that are perhaps all merging together into one giant mess of terrifying thoughts and dreams, the real and the imagined twisting and turning to create something horrific that has taken up residence inside of Amanda's head. She can't help wishing they had been more open about sharing things with each other over the years, so that she is more familiar with Amanda's personal life and would thus have a better idea of what is presently going on, but this is the closest and most intimate they have ever been with one another, both physically and emotionally.

Olivia carefully lowers Amanda down onto the edge of the mattress, getting her settled into a brief sitting position to make sure she is okay, before preparing to guide the smaller woman to lay back against the pillows. She is proceeding with extreme caution now, not wanting to do anything to make Amanda feel unsafe in any way but aware that they don't have much of a choice in the matter, as she can see the blood stains on the front of her colleague's scrub top darkening and spreading. Despite the urgency of their current predicament and the fact that it has been taking far too long to get to this point due to Amanda's uncontrollable vomiting, Olivia is determined to give the other woman some sense of control over the situation.

"Hey," she says softly, bending down so she is at eye level with the younger woman, Amanda staring back at her with hazy blue orbs filled with pain and confusion, and she is fully prepared to ask for consent in lifting up the other woman's shirt and helping her change out of the bloody clothes, instead of just insisting that this is how they will be proceeding.

Before she can speak any further, the detective is suddenly back in her embrace, face pressed into Olivia's chest as she leans sluggishly against her. She indulges the younger woman for a brief moment, knowing that Amanda is in need of comfort, arms closing around the small form and rocking her very gently from side to side, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of her head before carefully helping her lay back on the bed.

"Hey," she repeats gently, resting her hands on either side of Amanda's face so that they are making eye contact again. "I need to know if you're okay with me looking at your injuries, honey. I need to make sure it's alright with you if I fix up your cuts and then help you get changed. Is it okay?" she asks, eyebrows raised in question as she looks intently at the smaller woman who is staring back at her with an inscrutable expression.

Amanda nods slowly and Olivia frowns in response. "I need verbal consent from you, alright, honey? I need a yes or no answer here, because I'm not really sure what's going on. I know you've been very scared tonight but I don't know why, and I don't want you to feel unsafe or uncomfortable with me. I need you to know that I'm not going to hurt you and that you can trust me."

"Yes. And of course I trust you, Livvy," Amanda replies softly, and Olivia's heart melts at the other woman's childlike vulnerability, her colleague's silly nickname actually becoming more endearing and less annoying the more often it is said, although she privately admits that she would likely snarl in response if anyone else ever called her that. For some reason the shortened version of her name comes off sounding sweet instead of disrespectful when it is Amanda who is saying it, and Olivia doesn't think anyone else would even have the guts to refer to her as 'Livvy' without being afraid for their lives.

"Okay, good, I'm glad, because we need to do this right now." She is trying very hard to keep the urgency and impatience from her tone, resolving to stay calm and collected so that Amanda will too, and determined not to frighten the younger woman any more than she already has been that night.

Olivia pulls the blankets back up so that they are covering most of Amanda's legs, and frowns when she notices blood dotting the smaller woman's underwear. She figures it has just dripped down from her shirt, as she knows that Amanda was thankfully not injured in that area, but it is still a somewhat disconcerting sight. A myriad of thoughts and emotions are running through her brain now, wondering about the monsters that haunt her colleague and if they are real or imagined, but she focuses on the task at hand, making sure to tell Amanda everything she is doing before she does it.

When Olivia lifts the younger woman's shirt up to her ribs, she breathes an immediate sigh of relief when she sees that the stitches on her stomach are still fully intact, and that it is just one of the smaller cuts that has begun bleeding again, likely due to the force of Amanda's vomiting. The adhesive bandage strips have come loose, and she carefully peels them the rest of the way from Amanda's skin before wiping the wound clean, biting her lip and murmuring apologizes when she hears the detective's sharp hiss of pain.

They had been sent home from the hospital with a bag full of supplies, which Olivia had set on the floor next to the nightstand, and after using everything she needs to clean the cut, she quickly and carefully reapplies the butterfly closures. The relief continues to spread through her system upon further examination, when she sees that all of the other stitches are still secure, and after easing Amanda's scrub top down in the front, she notices that one of the small cuts on her upper chest has also reopened. It is another quick fix, Olivia extremely pleased that Amanda will not have to endure even more pain by getting her stitches replaced, and that they will not have to make another trek back to the emergency room in the middle of the night.

Her level of exhaustion seems to be reaching new heights and she is desperate to cocoon herself in the blankets on Amanda's bed once again and drift back into dreamland, but is quite uneasy about how the rest of the night will play out, considering what has just happened. For the second time in the past few hours, Olivia seriously considers going out to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee, unsure if she should actually let herself fall back to sleep or if she should just try to stay awake for the remainder of the night, holding a constant vigil over her unpredictable colleague.

"Hey, what's wrong, honey?" she asks softly, her chest tightening in concern when she glances up to see the pinched expression on Amanda's face and the sheen of tears in her eyes. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," the younger woman murmurs, wiping her eyes with a shaky hand. "I don't know what's wrong."

"You don't?" Olivia replies sympathetically, leaning over to stroke a comforting hand through her colleague's rumpled blonde locks, most of her hair having slipped from the ponytail and splayed out across the pillow in tangled golden strands.

Amanda shakes her head, blinking hard, and Olivia can hear the smaller woman's breath hitching in her throat as she wipes her eyes again.

"It's okay," she soothes, running cool fingertips over Amanda's puckered forehead. "It's been a really rough night and you definitely need some more sleep, which you'll be able to get now that we don't have to go back to the hospital to get your stitches fixed."

"Well, I wouldn't have gone back anyway, Liv," Amanda answers, fixing her with a watery blue gaze, her tone of voice both determined and fatigued. "I don't need those doctors. I only need you. You're much better than they are."

Olivia's lip quirks up at the corner at the other woman's stubbornness and silly admission, and she ruffles Amanda's hair affectionately, knowing full well that she likely would have had to drag Amanda out of there kicking and screaming if they had had to return to the emergency room. "Well, since I didn't go to medical school, I highly doubt I'm better than they are, but I appreciate the sentiment," she says lightly, her tone becoming slightly more stern as she continues to speak. "But I need you to listen to me, Amanda. If things gets worse here; if you can't stop throwing up or if the pain gets out of control or if you actually do manage to rip any of your stitches open, we will have to go back, and I don't want any arguments, okay?"

Olivia raises her eyebrows when there is no answer from the younger woman, Amanda seemingly either lost in thought or choosing to ignore her as she stares up the ceiling, and she sighs loudly, grasping onto her colleague's chin and guiding her head around so that they are face to face once again. "Okay?" she repeats firmly, resisting the urge to roll her eyes when she only receives a slight grunt of acknowledgment in response, Amanda's gaze flicking toward her only briefly before returning to the ceiling.

Olivia rubs a weary hand through her disheveled dark hair before pulling away and getting to her feet, prepared to go in search of some pajamas for Amanda to wear so that the other woman doesn't have to spend the rest of the night in bloody clothing.

"Where are you going?" the blonde detective suddenly demands, blatant alarm laced through her slurred, exhausted tone, and Olivia whirls away from the dresser drawer she had just opened to see Amanda trying to raise herself up on her elbows, blue eyes tracking Olivia's every move. "Are you leaving?"

"Hey, just relax," Olivia soothes, holding up one hand in reassurance while she digs through the drawer with the other, coming up with a pair of long flannel pajamas and some white cotton underwear. "I'm just finding something else for you to wear. I already told you that I'm not going anywhere, honey."

"Don't leave me alone, Livvy," Amanda says very seriously, blonde eyebrows pulled together in a deep frown as Olivia settles herself very gingerly on the side of the bed next to her colleague.

"I'm not going anywhere," she repeats just as seriously, her heart aching when she notices the tears swimming in Amanda's eyes again, the other woman seeming to need a lot of reassurance in her drugged and vulnerable state. "Come on, honey, let's get you into some warm and comfortable pajamas and then you can try to go back to sleep, okay? Put your arms around my neck."

When Amanda complies, she eases the smaller woman into a sitting position on the mattress, again making sure that is okay with the detective if Olivia helps her get changed, still worried about possibly triggering her. Divesting her colleague of her bloody clothes proves to be much more of a difficult task than Olivia had originally anticipated, Amanda having trouble even lifting her arms up high enough for Olivia to gently guide the stained scrub top over her head. She knows the movements are pulling uncomfortably at the younger woman's stitches and her heart clenches painfully in her chest when Amanda begins to cry quietly, a round of shivers overtaking the younger woman.

"I'm sorry; I know it hurts," Olivia says softly, trying to keep the emotion from her voice when a sharp spike of rage suddenly stabs through her as she gets a glimpse of the detective's mostly naked form, her small body battered and bruised, pale skin littered with wounds big and small, the rows of stitches standing out starkly in the dim lighting of the bedroom.

Amanda is clearly in agony, and as Olivia listens to the other woman's soft, tortured weeping, she can't help wishing that the hospital would call to deliver the news that she so desperately wants to hear. As far as she knows, their suspect is still languishing in a coma, hovering precariously between life and death, and even though Olivia is chastising herself for thinking such things and would never dare voice her thoughts aloud, she is waiting with bated breath to hear that the brutal, violent man has lost his fight and slipped away. It is no less than what he deserves for the pain and anguish he has inflicted upon her colleague and all of those poor teenage girls whose lives have been forever changed, and Olivia has to swallow hard against the large knot in her throat, heart racing madly in her chest, willing herself to stay calm in the face of Amanda's torment as she is again reminded of close they had come to losing her.

She knows that she has to stop with this line of thinking, her thoughts straying to Fin and Carisi and wondering how they are both holding up after what they had witnessed earlier, knowing how devastated they would be if Amanda had been unable to be saved in time, the loss of a longtime partner and colleague and friend likely tearing their team apart. Olivia is unsure if they would ever have been able to recover if such a thing had happened, her mind straying briefly to the colleague they had lost last year, and she can feel her own tears welling in her eyes in response, blinking them away impatiently before Amanda realizes that her lieutenant has decided to start crying along with her, and again having to reprimand herself for wishing death upon the man who has done this.

After pulling the pajama shirt slowly over Amanda's head and easing each arm through a sleeve, Olivia holds the smaller woman gently against her chest for a moment, smoothing a hand up and down her trembling back to try and soothe the physical pain and emotional distress, before drawing away to continue where they had left off. Her hesitance and unease about the situation is growing once more, and she is adamant that Amanda again give verbal consent before proceeding, the worry continuing to gnaw at Olivia that she herself is contributing toward whatever has been triggering the detective.

She lays Amanda back down against the pillows, covering her shuddering body as much as she can with the blankets to give her some modesty and privacy, before urging the other woman to lift her hips so she can slide the blood-stained underwear down her legs and help her into another pair. Amanda's eyes are clenched shut and she is hissing in pain once again as Olivia pulls the pajama pants on as delicately as she possibly can, aware of how agonizing this must be for her colleague to endure, the stitches on her stomach pulling uncomfortably with every single movement. She has to hold back another round of tears with the knowledge that she is causing Amanda even more distress, and she hopes the hurt that the other woman is experiencing due to Olivia's actions is only confined to the physical and not the emotional.

Her deep-seated worry that she herself has frightened Amanda by tending to her wounds and helping her change is completely obliterated after she cleans up the mess left by the bandages and other medical paraphernalia and gets tucked carefully back underneath the covers beside the younger woman. Amanda is suddenly scrambling up from her prone position on the bed and launching herself into Olivia's lap, harsh gasps of pain punctuating the air around them, and Olivia's arms close over the shaking form of her colleague, alarmed at the sudden intensity of Amanda's agitated movements, concern immediately spiking through her once more that the injuries she has just tended to will reopen and continue to bleed.

"Whoa, honey, slow down, you're going to hurt yourself again," Olivia warns, slightly out of breath from the unanticipated actions of her co-worker. "Are you okay? Did I scare you?"

"I was already scared," Amanda mumbles into her neck, and Olivia can feel the other woman's heart pounding through her pajamas.

"Are the monsters still in your head?" she questions softly, a wave of sympathy rolling over her when she feels the smaller woman nod.

There is a low, prolonged whimpering emitting from Amanda's mouth now, and Olivia is unsure if it is due to the physical or emotional pain that the detective is experiencing, suspecting that it is a mixture of both, and she begins trying to re-position them as delicately as possible to avoid further injury, reaching around to unclench Amanda's fists from the sides of her shirt. She hooks one arm under Amanda's knees and wraps the other around her back, laying her down gently on the mattress and urging her to stay where she is when the other woman tries to get back up and climb into her lap once again.

"Okay, Amanda, listen to me, please," Olivia says sternly, continuing to try and maneuver them into a better position without forcibly holding the smaller woman down so she doesn't rip her stitches open, Amanda clinging tightly to her. "You're going to hurt yourself again if don't stop moving around so much. I promise I'm going to stay here with you for the rest of the night and you won't be alone. I know you're scared and the drugs are making you think about things that you'd rather not, but you have to calm down now."

Her firm words finally seem to penetrate through the narcotic-induced fog in Amanda's brain, and Olivia is immensely relieved when the younger woman is laying flat out on her back again, her flailing limbs going still and her body seeming to relax into the sheets. Olivia makes sure to ask permission before quickly checking on Amanda's wounds again to ensure that they have not reopened in the sudden flurry of movement, and then stretches out on her side across the mattress next to the detective. She has her head propped up in one hand while the other strokes soothingly through Amanda's hair, trying to lull her colleague into a state of calm that will hopefully last for the remainder of the night.

"You doing okay there, honey?" Olivia asks softly, her heart sinking when Amanda shakes her head. "I'm sorry this night has been so tough for you," she adds, watching the younger woman's eyelids flutter closed as she continues her gentle ministrations, fingers working their way tenderly through the long blonde tangles.

Olivia has not expected to spend the night like this, curled up around her normally stoic colleague who seems to have regressed several decades in age, wincing slightly at the death grip that Amanda has on her arm and guessing she will find bruises there when she wakes up in the morning. Olivia's thoughts are very dark and troubled and she knows that Amanda's are too, watching the play of emotions over the smaller woman's face as she reassures her yet again that she isn't going anywhere. Amanda seems unwilling or unable to verbalize whatever is bothering her, and Olivia is desperate to lighten the mood and ease some of the other woman's tension and fear so she can slip back into sleep again, hoping that whatever is scaring the detective is entirely drug-induced and has nothing to do with real life.

"I don't want to go to sleep," Amanda suddenly whispers in a hushed tone. "I don't want to have more bad dreams. Maybe we should just stay up and watch a movie."

"Or we could prank call Fin and Carisi instead," Olivia suggests casually, gratified when Amanda turns her head to give her an incredulous look, and she can tell that the younger woman is fully immersed in the conversation now instead of being consumed by whatever darkness is caught up inside her mind, gazing at Olivia with interest and a hint of confusion.

"Livvy, I don't think a lieutenant is supposed to prank call her subordinates," Amanda says very seriously, and then pauses for a brief moment. "But if you hand me the phone, I can do it."

"Stop, I was just joking," Olivia chuckles in surprise, quickly reaching out to halt the smaller woman's movements as Amanda seems to be fully intending to follow through with her statement. "We're not really going to do that. I was just being silly."

Amanda gazes at her silence, brows deeply furrowed as if trying to decide exactly what is going on, before she finally graces Olivia with a small smile. "Are you trying to be funny so the monsters will go away and leave me alone?"

Olivia smiles back at the other woman, running her fingers through Amanda's hair again. "I just don't want you to be so scared, so I decided to try out my rusty sense of humor."

"Well, I didn't know you had sense of humor, Liv," her colleague replies, sounding quite serious again, although there is an undercurrent of appreciation in her tone. "I didn't think lieutenants were allowed to be funny."

"You didn't, huh?" Olivia answers with a grin. "Well, we have been known to exercise our funny bone from time to time, although we try not to make a habit out of it."

Amanda giggles softly and Olivia's grin widens at the tinkling sound, a modicum of relief creeping through her system now that they seem to be over the latest hurdle of the night, glad that the younger woman appears to be more relaxed and at ease and some of the earlier terror has dissipated.

Olivia is no longer bracing herself up on her elbow and is resting her head on the same pillow as Amanda, the detective still molded right into her side and refusing to let her move even an inch away. Her small body jerks in a startled manner every time Olivia even so much as shifts to get more comfortable on the bed, so she carefully eases an arm around Amanda's ribs, mindful of the wound location and making sure to stay in between them, her other arm sliding underneath Amanda's neck so the younger woman's head is cradled in the crook of her elbow.

"Liv, I like having a slumber party with you," Amanda says, snuggling impossibly closer beneath the covers, the death grip she has on Olivia's pajama shirt finally loosening somewhat.

"Oh yeah, this whole night has just been one big party, hasn't it?" Olivia answers dryly, resisting the urge to roll her eyes at the detective's goofy innocence and thankful to have this version of Amanda back for now, as the petrified and crying version she has been introduced to more than once over the past several hours has proceeded to rip her heart to shreds.

"And you're not leaving, are you?" Amanda questions yet again, a tinge of doubt still present in her tone.

"I'm not leaving, I promise," Olivia confirms, prepared to reassure the other woman repeatedly if that's what it will take for her colleague to feel safe and secure in this situation. "I would never leave you, honey."

"Okay," Amanda murmurs, another hint of smile ghosting her lips.

"Just try to settle down and go to sleep," Olivia says soothingly, tightening her hold on the smaller woman and careful not brush against any injuries. "I've got you."

"I can try," Amanda answers softly, that hint of doubt still lingering in her voice, and Olivia's heart aches with the knowledge that she can't seem to do enough to assuage her colleague's intense fear and pain.

"Are the monsters still in here?" she asks in concern, gently massaging Amanda's head with one hand.

"No, you're making them go away," the younger woman whispers, leaning into Olivia's touch and closing her eyes.

"Good, I'm glad to hear that," Olivia replies quietly. "Maybe when you're feeling a bit better, you can tell me about them."

Amanda opens her eyes again and gazes at Olivia in silence for a moment, an unreadable expression on her delicate features. "Okay, Liv," she finally agrees.


	4. Chapter 4

When Olivia opens her eyes, she immediately slams them shut again as they are assaulted by an obnoxiously bright light that is streaming in through the window beside the bed. She briefly wonders why she had forgotten to close the blinds before going to sleep the night before and why the mattress she is laying upon feels different; lumpy in places that it shouldn't be, with a spring jutting right into her spine. She cracks a blurry dark eye open in confusion, gazing around at a room that is completely unfamiliar to her; the size, the paint color, the decorations, everything is wrong and it is not her own. Olivia is overcome with a sudden wave of panic, her heart rate picking up from a slow, pleasant pace to a strong, galloping thump, before remembering the events of the previous day, a tidal wave of emotions crashing over her.

The panic concerning her own safety instantly abates but another kind of panic is taking its place now when Olivia realizes that she is alone in the bed yet again, Amanda nowhere to be seen. She quickly swings her legs over the side of the mattress and gets to her feet, calling her co-worker's name as she hurries from the bedroom. A mixture of anxiety and frustration is coiling firmly together inside of her now, hoping the other woman is okay but not at all pleased that Amanda has again chosen to get out of bed and leave the room without asking for help. She remembers how close her colleague had been to taking a shower in her drugged and perplexed and injured state, the cuts on her stomach and chest having split open to leak blood all over her scrub top and underwear after vomiting profusely, and Olivia's stomach tightens warily, wondering what she will find on the other side of the bathroom door.

She reminds herself that Amanda likely does not recall having that particular conversation during the night when Olivia had warned the younger woman about not doing things on her own for the time being, and she tries to push down the anger that is bubbling up to the surface, not wanting to snap at the detective in her delicate and hurt condition. She has to find a way to convey to Amanda how important it is to let go of her usual stubborn attitude and learn how to ask for help when it is needed; help that will pretty much be required for nearly every single task, at least for the very near future. She knows that Amanda is just as independent and strong-willed as she herself is and it is quite difficult to admit needing help for normal, everyday activities, but that the younger woman just doesn't have much of a choice at the moment.

When it comes to medication-induced memory loss, though, Olivia is not sure what to do, short of staying awake every single second to monitor her colleague's behavior so Amanda doesn't do something dangerous because she can't remember that she's not supposed to be doing it. She considers asking Fin and Carisi to come over at some point during the day to help out with their co-worker and friend, since it is now Saturday and their case has hit a major roadblock while their prime suspect remains suspended between life death in the intensive care unit. Olivia hadn't even thought to glance at her phone before rushing off to look for Amanda, and although she hadn't been awoken by any calls over the last few hours, she needs to check her text messages at some point soon, anxious to keep up with any and all news concerning their suspect and the current case.

Amanda is her sole priority at the moment, though, and Olivia gives a quick knock on the bathroom door that is standing partway open again, asking if she can come in as her knuckles rap sharply against the wood. There is a faint murmur of assent from inside and she pushes the door open slowly, both relieved and a little heartbroken at what she sees.

Amanda is thankfully not in the shower but is slumped on the floor beside the toilet, small body crumpled awkwardly on the tiles like she doesn't know which way to sit to ease the pain, blonde head pillowed on pale and bruised arms that are folded limply upon the seat, the long sleeves of her pajama shirt rolled up to her elbows. The smaller woman's hair and nightwear are completely disheveled, golden strands sticking out in every single direction, skin completely leached of all color, but there is a lucidity to Amanda's gaze that has been missing since the previous evening, and Olivia guesses that the painkillers have started to wear off.

"How are you doing, honey?" she asks softly, even though the answer to that question is quite obvious. "Have you been throwing up again? Is the medication still upsetting your stomach?"

"Yes," Amanda whispers, voice low and gravelly, a sharp edge of pain apparent in her tone. "I feel like I've been hit by a truck."

"I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, but I really hope that it was either your memory or your listening skills that were impaired by the drugs and you didn't deliberately choose to ignore what we talked about during the night," Olivia says quietly, squatting down next to her colleague on the cold tiles and looking her straight in the eye, Amanda gazing back at her with an unreadable expression, hazy orbs ringed with purple circles of fatigue and discomfort.

She feels guilty about chastising her co-worker like a child when Amanda is so exceedingly miserable, but feels it is something that needs to be said, as she cannot stress enough how important it is that the younger woman not re-injure herself. "What happened to our agreement that you would wake me up if you needed to be sick again or if you needed help with something? I want you to be safe, Amanda. I don't want you to accidentally hurt yourself."

"I've bothered you enough, Liv," Amanda mutters, rubbing a closed fist over one reddened eyelid, the swelling likely a result of both crying and lack of sleep. "I'm doing okay now."

"You don't look okay," Olivia replies gently, moving closer to her on the floor as she takes in the beaten and battered appearance of the small detective, her eyes sweeping the length of the other woman's pajamas, searching for traces of blood. "Did you reopen any of the cuts again, or rip any stitches when you were being sick?"

Amanda shakes her head instead of verbally responding, and they observe each other in silence for a long moment. Olivia can see that although Amanda is exhausted and weary and obviously still in an immense amount of pain, the childlike version of her colleague seems to have disappeared for now, the adult taking its place once again; although it is a more broken and raw version than she is used to seeing.

"You don't have to stay, Olivia; I'm fine," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia is surprised at the slight disappointment she feels to hear her full name being uttered from the younger woman's lips instead of the endearing nickname that she has actually come to enjoy and appreciate in the short amount of time it has been used, feeling oddly closer to the detective when she refers to Olivia by the shortened version of her name.

"Well, you seem to have done a complete turnaround in the last few hours," she chuckles quietly, the mirth in her tone hiding the slight pull of sadness that Amanda appears to be trying to dismiss her so quickly after being glued to her side for the entire night. "You were begging me not to leave you alone a little while ago, and now you're kicking me out?"

Amanda's lip quirks up faintly at the corner and she shrugs one shoulder, tired blue eyes sliding away from her to fix on something across the room. "I'm not kicking you out, Liv. I just don't want to take up any more of your time than I already have."

"My time is yours for now," Olivia replies softly, reaching down to take a small, chilled hand into her own and giving it a brief squeeze, a teasing lilt to her tone when she speaks again. "What happened to Lieutenant Livvy and Detective Mandy hanging out together? Isn't that what crime fighting duos and best friends do?"

Amanda's gaze swings back over to her immediately, staring at Olivia in utter bewilderment for a moment, mouth slightly agape and blonde eyebrows deeply furrowed, before a fiery red blush spreads quickly across her pale face, infusing her cheeks with some much-needed color. "Oh my god," she states, the embarrassment very apparent in her tone, and although Olivia had just been trying to lighten the mood, she can't help feeling somewhat contrite for bringing it up, when she observes the other woman's mortified reaction.

"I...Liv..." Amanda is tripping over her words as she speaks. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have called you that. I'm starting to remember bits and pieces of things that happened throughout the night, and I was really disrespectful, wasn't I? Not to mention incredibly ridiculous. I'm really sorry-"

Olivia puts a hand up to halt the younger woman's rambling apologies, torn between amusement and compassion, the frustration from earlier still simmering just below the surface, and she feels like she might be starting to go a little crazy from the strong mix of emotions and severe lack of sleep. "Honey, it's okay; you don't have to be sorry. You were on a lot of medication and in quite a bit of pain, and you didn't know what you were saying. It's nothing to worry about, I promise. You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know I was a pain in the ass," Amanda mutters, looking away again in shame, and Olivia doesn't think it's possible for the younger woman to blush any harder than she currently is. "I'm sorry you had to see me acting so stupid and childish. I know I was bothering you and keeping you from getting a good sleep."

"Trust me, I've had much worse sleeps, and it only bothered me because you were so traumatized, both physically and emotionally," Olivia answers gently, and any lingering traces of levity she has felt from the conversation have completely evaporated now. "You have absolutely nothing to apologize for."

"I'm sorry you had to help me get changed," Amanda continues, as if Olivia hasn't even spoken. "I look so terrible right now. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I look like a monster."

Olivia frowns deeply at the word 'monster', recalling with acute clarity the number of times that word has been mentioned in the past several hours. She leans closer to the younger woman, squeezing Amanda's hand again to get her attention and try to make her stop with the rambling apologies. "Honey, do you remember talking about that during the night?" she asks softly.

"Talking about what?" Amanda replies in confusion, her frown now mirroring Olivia's own.

"About the monsters," Olivia answers, watching the detective's face very closely, but other than the dark red blush draining quite rapidly from her cheeks and leaving her complexion ghostly white once again, Amanda's expression remains impassive, the other woman not reacting at all to what Olivia has just asked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," her colleague responds, and Olivia is unable to ascertain if she's telling the truth or not.

"You were pretty worried and frightened about some things during the night," she reminds Amanda gently. "You spoke a lot about monsters, and you sounded pretty serious about them."

Amanda arches a skeptical eyebrow in her direction, giving her a withering look before waving a limp hand as if in dismissal of their discussion. "Liv, you should know better than to take someone seriously when they're as high as a kite," she replies flatly. "I probably couldn't even have told you my own name last night. I was really out of it."

"Yes, I noticed," Olivia replies dryly, concerned that Amanda is making light of something that is actually bothering her and brushing it off like it doesn't matter, but not entirely sure if the small detective actually remembers their conversations from the past several hours or if she really is drawing a blank.

"Liv, I appreciate everything you've done for me since yesterday, but I really don't feel up to talking right now," Amanda says wearily, rubbing a fist over one of her eyelids again. "I'm really tired and I'm desperate to get cleaned up. I feel gross and I must look even worse. I really need to brush my teeth and take a shower."

"Honey, you shouldn't be taking a shower with all those bandages on," Olivia tells her softly, and she can see Amanda's own frustration blooming across her delicate features now, the frown fixed firmly on her face, the other woman's natural stubborn personality breaking through the pain and fatigue, and she braces herself for an argument. "I don't even think you're strong enough to stand up for any length of time right now, anyway," Olivia continues. "You might do better just sponging yourself off with a washcloth for the time being, and taking a shower in a couple of days."

"A couple of days?" Amanda mutters darkly, sounding disgusted and disgruntled, a hint of a whine in her tone. "I look bad and I smell bad, Olivia. And I need to get this awful taste out of my mouth."

"Okay, how about I stay in here with you while you brush your teeth, to make sure you're steady on your feet, and then you can try to wash yourself off while I go make us some breakfast?" Olivia suggests lightly, not wanting to add fuel to the fire of Amanda's already bad mood; needing to make sure the younger woman is being safe but understanding that need to feel clean again, especially after wrestling with their suspect on the muddy ground and then spending several hours in the germ-infested emergency room.

"Yeah, alright," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia slowly helps her colleague off the floor, listening to the small detective's soft grunts of pain as they make their way over to the counter to stand in front of the sink.

She hears Amanda's quiet gasp and looks up to see the other woman staring at herself in the mirror with a look of shock fixed upon her face. "God, I look like hell," Amanda grumbles, and Olivia sees her co-worker wince sharply as she reaches for her toothbrush.

"I think it might be time to take some more painkillers, honey," she advises gently, hooking an arm around Amanda's waist when the smaller woman briefly loses her footing. "It's been quite awhile since you've had any, and the pain must be getting pretty bad again."

"I don't want any more drugs," Amanda states firmly, her hands shaking wildly as she tries to put the toothpaste on the brush without much success, her uncooperative fingers almost dropping both objects into the sink.

Olivia takes the items from her and swiftly coats the toothbrush with the thick white paste before handing it back to the younger woman and setting the tube of toothpaste down on the counter. "I'm not going to force you to take any more medication if you really don't want any," she says quietly. "I know it hits you really hard, but I don't think it's a good idea to let the pain get too out of control. I'll be right here with you for the day, though, honey. I'll make sure you're okay if you start getting a bit loopy again. And maybe we can ask Fin and Carisi to stop by for a little while, as well."

"Oh great, just what I need...more babysitters," Amanda complains around a mouthful of toothpaste, and Olivia steps up behind the smaller woman to gently clasp both hands around her hips, as Amanda is wobbling very unsteadily on her feet now and seems unable to even stand there without assistance.

"We're not your babysitters," Olivia assures her softly, sighing in consternation as Amanda squeaks in pain when she leans over to spit the toothpaste into the sink, Olivia carefully continuing to brace her from behind. "They're just worried about you, honey, and I think it would do them some good to see you, if you're feeling up to it. Yesterday was very hard for everyone."

Amanda is silent for a moment and their gazes meet in the mirror, brown eyes locked intently onto blue, and Olivia guesses their thoughts are traveling in the same direction now, both consumed with memories of the day before, when Amanda had nearly lost her life with her squad mates looking on in stunned horror and doing absolutely everything they could to prevent that from happening.

Amanda's eyes shimmer with sudden tears in the harsh lighting of the bathroom and she opens her mouth, looking like she wants to reply to what Olivia has just said but then hesitates, the tears disappearing with a swift blink.

"I hate this. I hate being so fucking helpless," Amanda grits out through clenched teeth, apparently choosing to sidestep that particular conversation entirely, and Olivia thinks her colleague has just been so overwhelmed with a variety of different emotions as well as the intense physical pain, and looking too closely at the aspect of her own fragile mortality is just too much to handle right now.

Olivia senses that she needs to proceed with an extreme amount of caution, at least for the time being, as both of their emotions seem to be running high and raw this morning, and she decides to try and lighten things up a bit again. "So I've got to see a lot of different versions of you since yesterday afternoon. Am I being treated to the hungover, grumpy version of Amanda Rollins now?" she teases gently, smoothing one hand through the other woman's long matted hair, her other hand remaining firmly locked onto Amanda's hip to keep her upright and steady.

She watches the blonde detective roll her eyes in the mirror and smirk slightly, before the smirk turns into a grimace and Amanda is suddenly bracing her hands on the edge of the counter, knuckles turning white with the effort of remaining on her feet, eyes clenched tightly shut and a hiss of pain escaping from her lips.

"Okay, come on, Amanda, this is getting a little ridiculous," Olivia scolds lightly, pulling the smaller woman gently away from the sink and lowering them both down to sit on the floor again. "You are obviously in an extreme amount of pain. You should be taking some medication and getting back into bed instead of trying to get cleaned up. There's plenty of time for that later, when the pain has died down a bit more."

"No, Liv, I feel disgusting," Amanda insists stubbornly. "At least let me wash off a bit first before you drag me back to bed and stuff pills down my throat."

"Okay, _enough_ ," Olivia snaps in exasperation, rapidly losing her patience now. "You know I would never force you to do anything that you don't want to do, Amanda, and I don't appreciate the insinuation that I would. You are a grown woman and if you want to continue getting cleaned up when you can't even manage to brush your teeth without practically collapsing, than who am I to stop you? You are capable of making your own decisions. If you want to sit here on the bathroom floor in utter agony, then suit yourself."

"Fine, then," Amanda snarls back, sliding away from Olivia across the tiles, obviously trying to put some physical distance between them, even though she is hissing in pain once again from the brisk movements. "Just bring me the damn pills and I'll take half the regular dose, alright? That way I have something in my system to help with the pain but maybe it won't make me lose my mind again, like it did last night."

"Sounds good to me," Olivia sighs in exhaustion, getting to her feet and stalking out of the room. "Anyone ever tell you what a pleasure you are to deal with, Amanda?" she adds sarcastically under her breath, and hears the other woman snort in response.

"I can hear you, Olivia!" the detective yells, as Olivia shuffles around on the nightstand in the bedroom, locating the bottle of narcotics and knocking over the glass of water and pile of reading material in the process, magazines scattering across the floor and liquid splattering against the wall, rolling down the paint like raindrops.

"Well, isn't that just great?" she murmurs in annoyance, shaking her head and not making a move to begin cleaning up the mess; instead swiping the container up with a softly uttered string of curse words, the lack of sleep and extreme emotions beginning to get to her.

Olivia knows she needs to exercise some patience with the situation and admits that she has been doing a pretty good job of it so far, but her nerves are quite frayed at the moment and she feels like she is on the verge of a meltdown. The second she steps back into the bathroom to see Amanda sitting there on the floor with her arms crossed over her chest and her lower lip jutting out, glaring up at her like a pouting toddler, she decides that a short break is in order.

"Here you go," she says in a neutral tone, trying to keep that anger from bubbling to the surface again, tossing the bottle lightly into Amanda's lap before turning on her heel to stride back out of the room. "I'll give you some privacy if you're going to continue getting cleaned up. If you need me, I'll be in the kitchen, trying to find something for breakfast."

When there is no response from the other woman, not even a quick word of thanks, Olivia mutters "You're welcome" under her breath, rolling her eyes before closing the door partway behind her and heading into the kitchen to search for something edible.

She remembers that she still needs to check her phone and turns on her heel again to walk back into the bedroom, glancing quickly at Amanda as she passes the bathroom, the other woman sitting exactly where she had left her. Olivia grabs her phone off the nightstand, ignoring the mess on the floor, and quickly scrolls down the screen, noticing a few messages each from Fin and Carisi, asking how Amanda is doing and telling her to contact them if they needs anything. She sends quick responses to both men, letting them know that the night was a bit rough but Amanda is holding up okay, and asks if they are free to stop by later on. There is nothing from the hospital so she calls for an update on their suspect, the man's condition unchanged from the last time she had checked, remaining in the same critical state he had been in since barely surviving surgery the day before.

When Olivia passes by the bathroom again, she sees Amanda opening the bottle of pills and sighs in relief, even though she knows they are likely in for another interesting day. All she wants is for her colleague to have some respite from the brutal pain, even if it means dealing with the roller coaster of emotions and different personalities that come along with it.

When she gets to the kitchen it takes her quite awhile to work her way around the room, trying to locate everything she needs for a proper breakfast, pulling out a variety of foods including bacon, eggs, toast, and cereal, not sure what will sit the best in Amanda's queasy stomach but feeling like she herself is in need of a large meal to keep her energy and strength up, not to mention her steadily dwindling amount of patience. After getting the coffee brewing in the pot and boiling the kettle in case Amanda wants tea to help settle her stomach, she turns on the stove to begin cooking the bacon and eggs, making sure to listen for her co-worker in case she needs anything.

It is blessedly quiet in the apartment for several minutes, other than the light clinking of dishes and rattling of pots and pans, a delicious smell beginning to waft through the air, and Olivia hums a little tune under her breath, feeling a bit more calm now and ready to continue on with the day. She feels quite guilty for snapping at Amanda in the other woman's fragile, injured state, especially under these circumstances, and she decides to apologize to her colleague when the detective is done in the bathroom, resolving to go check on her if she doesn't emerge from the other room shortly.

Several minutes later, Olivia thinks she hears her name being called and tilts her head to the side, listening intently for a moment as she slides the bacon from the frying pan onto a plate, wincing as one of the blazing hot pieces grazes her hand.

"Liv," a small, plaintive voice says, and Olivia hurries into the other room, a stab of worry shooting through her.

When she enters the bathroom, the amusement and compassion from earlier are suddenly at war with one another again as she observes Amanda still sitting on the floor with her pajama shirt halfway over her head, her arms tangled up in the sleeves, the dark row of stitches standing out starkly against the pale skin of her stomach.

"Oh no, did you get stuck?" Olivia asks softly, kneeling down beside the other woman, those conflicting emotions still raging inside as she finds herself torn between laughter and wanting to pull Amanda into her embrace to hug away the hurt and pain.

"Yes," comes the muffled, pitiful response, and Olivia sighs and shakes her head.

"You are a very stubborn woman," she admonishes lightly, grasping onto the flannel material and tugging it upwards as gently as she possibly can. "You've been in here all this time and this is as far as you've gotten? Honestly, Amanda, why is it so hard for you to just admit that you need some help?"

When Olivia eases the shirt over the smaller woman's head, Amanda's blonde hair standing on end, she grabs a nearby towel to wrap around her shuddering form. Seeing the tears streaking Amanda's cheeks, she sighs again, her heart aching in her chest. "Oh, honey, I know it hurts. Come here, I've got you." She takes Amanda into her arms and holds her for a long moment, smoothing a tender hand up and down her back, the detective sniffling and pressing her face into Olivia's shoulder.

"You're just having a really rough time right now, aren't you?" she whispers sympathetically, and feels Amanda nod against her. "Did you take the medication I brought in here?"

"Yes," Amanda hiccups. "Just one pill instead of two, though."

"Okay," Olivia replies gently, stroking her fingers through the smaller woman's snarled strands of hair. "Look, I'm sorry for the way I spoke to you before, honey. I'm just tired and worried and I lost my patience."

"I'm sorry too," Amanda murmurs, pushing her face deeper into Olivia's neck, and she can tell that the drugs are already kicking in by how affectionate her colleague is becoming again, seeking out that comfort and safety that she so often shuns. "I know I'm a pain in the ass," the younger woman continues, repeating what she had said earlier.

"You're allowed to be a pain in the ass after what you've been through," Olivia assures her, hearing a quick chuckle from the blonde detective and tightening her hold on Amanda briefly before pulling away slightly and grasping the other woman's upper arms with a somewhat firm grip. "Do you want me to help you get cleaned up, honey? Then we can have some breakfast and just relax, okay?"

"Okay," Amanda whispers, so much vulnerability and pain in that one short word, and Olivia can feel the ache in her chest growing stronger as she observes her colleague's huddled form, her eyes straying down to Amanda's stomach where the stitches are visible between the sides of the towel that the younger woman is holding closed over her chest.

It is very quiet between them while Olivia helps Amanda out of her pajamas and soaks a cloth in warm water, adjusting the towel as needed to give the other woman as much modesty as she can while stroking the cloth carefully over her damaged skin, making sure to avoid any bandages. She is relieved that Amanda seems more comfortable with her now than she had earlier that morning, as neither of them are used to being in this kind of intimate position with the other, Olivia still quite bothered by the events of the previous night and not wanting to trigger Amanda in any way. She is still unsure of what the younger woman's exact issues are, as she has not been privy to much of her personal life over the past several years, and there is a curiosity and concern there, wanting to know more but needing to tread carefully as well, feeling caught between that urge to protect and help her colleague but aware that Amanda's privacy has been invaded enough since the day before.

"Thank you for taking care of me, Liv," Amanda says softly, her small hand coming to rest on Olivia's forearm and causing her to halt in her gentle ministrations with the cloth. "I'm so glad I asked you to stay here instead of one of the guys." Amanda pauses and Olivia raises her eyebrows in question when the younger woman emits a short giggle. "If I hadn't asked you to come home with me, it could be Fin or Carisi giving me a sponge bath right now."

They look at each other in silence for a moment and then break into sudden laughter, the tension and anger from earlier seeming to melt away entirely now.

"Well, that would definitely be a little bit awkward," Olivia acknowledges through her chuckles.

"You're telling me," Amanda snickers. "Fin would probably never be able to look me in the eye again, but Carisi might actually enjoy it."

They burst out laughing once more, shoulders shaking in mirth, seemingly unable to contain their childish hilarity at the situation, Olivia delighting in the fact that the other woman can find something funny amidst the pain, and it feels good to share in this camaraderie and silliness after the intense stress and worry of the past several hours. There is a loosening in Olivia's chest as she observes the goofy smile on Amanda's face, relieved that the awkwardness from earlier seems to have abated, and she runs the cloth gently over the detective's flushed cheeks, wiping away any remnants of sweat and tears from earlier.

Their eyes meet as Olivia strokes the cloth over Amanda's forehead, and she lowers her arm down with a frown when she sees the expression on the smaller woman's face, her colleague looking back at her intently, the mirth suddenly replaced by something else; an emotion she can't quite get a read on.

"What?" she asks softly, her fingertips grazing Amanda's cheekbone lightly. "What is it?" Olivia's heart clenches when she sees the slight shimmer of tears in Amanda's eyes yet again, blue orbs glittering in the harsh bathroom lighting.

"I thought I was going to die yesterday, Liv," the younger woman whispers, and Olivia bites down on her lip before nodding in response, her throat tightening as she watches her colleague's face contort in pain, but this time she knows it is not from the various injuries littering her small body.

"You know how your whole life is supposed to flash before your eyes when you're right at death's door?" Amanda continues in a hushed tone, and Olivia nods again, reaching down to take a small, clammy hand into her own and giving it a comforting squeeze. "Well, it didn't for me. I don't think it had time. All I could concentrate on was staying alert and keeping my eyes fixed right on him so that damn knife didn't hit a major artery or organ. I knew if I glanced away for even one second, that would be it for me."

Olivia watches as Amanda gulps hard and wipes a shaking hand across her moist eyes. "It's all just kind of hitting me now. And these stupid drugs are bringing up bad memories and making me think about things I've tried so hard to forget. Everything keeps getting mixed up in my head in this big confusing mess. It's a lot to deal with, Livvy."

Olivia's lip quirks up in response, the silly nickname sounding quite out of place in a conversation that has suddenly turned very serious, and she knows that Amanda is in that downward spiral of medication again, hoping she is able to hold onto some lucidity and doesn't plummet as far as the last time since she had only taken half of the recommended dose.

"I know it's a lot to deal with," she replies quietly, blinking back her own threat of tears, resolving to stay strong for her colleague and support Amanda during her time of need, although her brain is whirling with images of chaos from the day before; the blonde detective thrashing on the ground while their suspect lashed out wildly with the knife, and she doesn't admit aloud that she too thought Amanda was going to die.

"I think it would help you to talk to someone, honey," Olivia says softly. "I'm going to set up an appointment for you with the departmental psychologist and I would really like you to go. It's important that you're able to deal with these things; that you can get them out into the open so they don't take root inside of you and cause more pain." She pauses briefly and looks closely at Amanda, their eyes locked intensely on each other once again. "Because I think there's already enough bad memories that have taken root inside of you, am I right?"

Amanda nods slowly, a tear breaking free to roll slowly down her cheek, and her voice is choked with emotion when she speaks again. "The man who hurt me yesterday was just one more monster to add to the list."


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia is sitting on the floor in front of Amanda's couch, glasses perched on her nose and laptop balanced on her crossed legs, going over some details of their current case. The younger woman is stretched out across the cushions above her, drifting in and out of a fitful sleep, muttering incoherently under her breath from time to time; words that Olivia tries in vain to make out but is unable to, the small detective seemingly carrying on a conversation with someone in her dreams.

After getting dressed, she had spent some time in the kitchen, washing the dishes from breakfast and then deciding to take everything out of her colleague's fridge and clean it from top to bottom, for lack of anything better to do, and hoping Amanda will appreciate the gesture when she finally comes out of her drug-induced and pain-filled stupor. Olivia has been feeling quite restless and cooped up, the sun shining brightly outside and beckoning her to leave Amanda's apartment building for some much-needed fresh air and exercise, but she will be staying put, at least until Fin and Carisi arrive later that afternoon.

She doesn't feel entirely comfortable leaving the other woman's place for any length of time, though, even with their teammates stopping by for a visit. Amanda has needed so much help with everything, including the more intimate aspects of washing and getting changed, and Olivia doesn't want to risk putting the detective into an uncomfortable situation and not being there to assist her in some way if the need arises again. She knows that Amanda is having difficulty letting go of her natural stubborn tendencies and allowing Olivia help her out, but figures it might be even harder if the younger woman has to reply on one of the guys for those type of tasks. She remembers Amanda actually admitting to being glad that Olivia is the one staying with her instead of one of their male squad members and feels as if she would be abandoning her co-worker, even just by going for a walk around the block, no matter how much she might need a short break from the apartment.

After helping Amanda get cleaned up in the bathroom earlier, she had brushed the other woman's hair for her and gotten her changed into a fresh set of pajamas before settling the younger woman on the couch, tucked as comfortably as possible beneath a red woolen blanket. Strangely, the half dose of medication that Amanda had taken seems to have lead to much more of a need for sleep than the full doses she had been given at the hospital and had been taking during the night. Olivia figures it is also severe stress and lack of rest that is causing the smaller woman to be incapable of remaining awake, and she is relieved that Amanda has been able get some sleep, although the detective's slumber has been quite uneasy from time to time.

Olivia had been in the middle of her very thorough cleaning project in the kitchen when she had heard Amanda moaning from the couch and decided it would be best to stay with her co-worker until she woke up, as it had appeared the other woman was suffering through some drug-induced nightmares once again. She has since taken up a somewhat uncomfortable position on the floor, turned to the side so part of her body is leaning back against the couch, one hand tapping away at the keyboard and the other stroking repeatedly through Amanda's hair in a soothing manner, trying to keep her colleague calm while napping.

Amanda seems to be dozing more peacefully now, soft snores occasionally escaping her lips while leaning further into Olivia's touch, subconsciously seeking out comfort while slumbering. The cell phone that Olivia had set on top of the coffee table earlier rings suddenly, the shrill sound shattering the relative quiet of the apartment and startling Olivia to the point where she jumps, her fingers tightening briefly in Amanda's blonde locks before hastily removing her hand and leaping to her feet. She hurriedly sets her laptop aside to grab the phone with fumbling fingers and rush from the room before Amanda wakes up, feeling tired and restless and out of sorts, having been so zoned into the case she had been working on and making sure her colleague is comfortable, that it now seems as if she is coming out of a trance.

When Olivia gets a look at the number that is flashing across the screen, she knows it's the hospital calling with news of their suspect, and she shuts herself into Amanda's room, wanting this to be a private discussion for the time being. After the conversation is done, she calls both Fin and Carisi to update them on what is going on with the case and to solidify plans for her colleagues to stop by for a visit in a little while. She makes several more case-related calls, informing certain people on the latest developments, before heading back out to the living room.

Olivia is alarmed to hear breathy little cries emanating from Amanda's mouth upon her return, the younger woman beginning to thrash back and forth on the cushions below the blanket, and she quickly grasps onto Amanda's shoulders, easing her up slightly before sliding underneath the small detective's upper body and letting Amanda's head come to rest in her lap.

"Hey, honey, wake up," she says softly, running a hand tenderly through Amanda's long hair, and then smoothing her fingertips over the other woman's furrowed brows, her colleague's forehead puckered tensely and eyelids squeezed tightly shut, and Olivia is unsure if Amanda is caught in the grips of a nightmare or if the pain has become out of control again, or if it's a mixture of the two.

She continues to murmur soothing words to the younger woman, gently urging her to wake up until Amanda cracks one eye open and then the other, hazy blue orbs darting around in confusion before they look up and seem to fix themselves upon Olivia's face.

"Hey, there," she whispers, gazing down at the blonde detective in concern, keeping up the comforting motion of running her hand over Amanda's forehead, fingertips trailing back through the rumpled golden tresses. "Are you okay?"

She watches as Amanda licks her dry lips and then nods slowly, still appearing to be half asleep, her cheeks flushed with slumber.

"Did you have a nightmare, honey?" Olivia asks, worried that the other woman has hurt herself even more by thrashing around so much. "Is the pain bad again?"

"Yes, on both counts," Amanda replies, her voice sounding low and scratchy, and she surprises Olivia by reaching up to grasp onto the hand that is smoothing over her head, tangling their fingers together and bringing their joined hands down to rest on her chest, pillowing a rosy cheek against them.

Olivia raises her eyebrows briefly, still a little taken aback by Amanda's abnormal behavior, even though the younger woman had been extremely affectionate during the night. She is still finding it hard to get used to this more open version of Amanda, her colleague actually admitting to the nightmares and the pain, the drugs in her system continuing to cause some personality changes, but the reduced amount seeming to result in a more sedate, friendly version of the detective, instead of the extreme silliness from earlier.

"Do you want some more medication?" she asks, concerned about the pain becoming too difficult to manage because Amanda had only taken half of the previous dose; having been told by the doctors to try and stay on top of the pain for the first few days, which means taking the narcotics every four hours.

"Not right now," Amanda answers tiredly, her chin balancing on top of their joined hands, and Olivia observes how weary and vulnerable she appears, the other woman seemingly hungry for comfort.

"Well, you let me know if you want some, okay? Just make sure things don't get too out of control," she warns, trying not to sound overly condescending but guessing that is exactly how her words have come out when she watches Amanda roll her eyes in an impatient manner.

"Yes, Mom," the smaller woman mutters, and Olivia smiles slightly before smoothing her hand through the detective's hair once again, Amanda's eyelids fluttering closed in response.

"Can I ask what the nightmare was about?" she questions softly, wondering about the monsters that the younger woman has been mentioning frequently but unsure if she should ask about them directly, frowning when she sees Amanda shake her head.

"No, I can't ask?" Olivia continues. "Or no, you won't tell me?" She pauses briefly. "Or do you not remember what it was about?"

"Liv, why do you always have to ask so many questions?" Amanda grumbles, with her eyes still closed.

"So you're answering a question with a question?" Olivia says lightly.

"Didn't you just do the same thing?" Amanda's lip has quirked up slightly at the side, and Olivia feels a small smile pulling at her own mouth.

They both chuckle softly, and then Olivia runs her hand over Amanda's head with a bit of a firmer touch to urge the other woman to open her eyes again. Once the small detective is looking up at her with a fatigued blue gaze, Olivia begins speaking. "So if we're done talking in circles for a minute, I have a couple of things to tell you," she says quietly, prompting a slightly arched brow in response from Amanda.

"The first is that Fin and Carisi would like to stop by for a visit in a little while, but I wanted to make sure it was okay with you, since this is your apartment, not mine." Olivia's thoughts stray briefly to the mess in the kitchen, as she had been in the middle of cleaning Amanda's fridge when the younger woman had begun having nightmares, and wonders if she has overstepped her boundaries by taking charge of a home that is not her own, even though she seems to have settled into Amanda's place quite nicely since the day before.

Amanda nods her assent and gives a quick smile, Olivia smiling back when the other woman reminds her that one babysitter is quite enough and the boys better not be bossing her around and treating her like a child when they arrive. Olivia assures her colleague that they are just stopping by to see how she is feeling and because they need to know that their friend and co-worker is going to be okay after the horrific events of the day before.

"What's the second thing?" Amanda asks, when Olivia is done with her explanation and the smaller woman seems to have agreed to the plans.

Olivia hesitates before speaking again, unsure of how this next piece of news will go over; if it will bring back any unsettling memories from the events of the previous day or if Amanda will be understandably relieved. "Right before you woke up, I got a phone call from the hospital. Our suspect passed away not too long ago. His injuries were too catastrophic to survive and he never regained consciousness after surgery."

The smile drops away from Amanda's face and she is gazing up at Olivia with a neutral expression now, not giving any indication one way or the other of how she is feeling about the news. "Well, I can't say that I'm surprised," the detective finally says. "I know you haven't been filling me in too much on the case since I was injured, but I've been hearing bits and pieces of your conversations with the guys, and considering how much damage he had already done to himself before Fin shot him, it's not exactly a shock."

"Well, how are you feeling about the whole situation?" Olivia inquires cautiously, observing the somewhat shuttered expression on Amanda's face; a snippet of her usual closed-up personality beginning to creep in.

"I don't know," Amanda replies, and Olivia can hear the truth in her voice. "I don't really feel anything at the moment, to be honest. I'm just kind of numb."

"It's okay," Olivia assures her softly, squeezing their linked fingers that are still nestled beneath Amanda's chin. "Sometimes it takes time to process your feelings in these kinds of situations. I know what you went through yesterday was absolutely terrifying, and I think it's normal not to be able to feel anything sometimes, or to go back and forth between different emotions."

Amanda's gaze seems very intent now as they continue to look at each other, blue eyes locked onto brown, and Olivia is surprised at the sudden intensity of the younger woman's stare, the detective's head tilted to the side on Olivia's lap so they can see one another better.

"You're feeling something, though, Liv. You're happy," Amanda states quietly, a hint of curiosity in her tone but no judgment whatsoever, and Olivia's eyebrows fly upwards in surprise, unsure of how to respond for a moment and a bit taken aback that the younger woman has been able to read her so well in the current state she is in.

"I'm not _un_ happy," she finally admits evenly, lips pursing together for a second before separating and letting out a slight sigh. Amanda is still holding her gaze very steadily, ice blue eyes boring into her own, and Olivia strokes a hand through her hair again. "I'm very glad that he will never get a chance to hurt anyone else."

She had not wanted to dig deeper into this particular topic of conversation, in terms of her own feelings on the subject, so she had refrained from saying anything further when she and Amanda had been sitting on the bathroom floor together, listening to the other woman's disclosure that she thought she had been about to die at the hands of the madman who had burst so suddenly from the backyard shed, the butcher knife glinting in the sunlight. Olivia had not wanted to burden her colleague even further, certainly not in Amanda's injured and drugged condition, and although the pain is still bad and the medication remains in her system, the small detective appears to be doing better than she had been earlier.

She is aware that she should be speaking with Fin and Carisi about this instead of risking any more upset to Amanda, but the words seem to come pouring forth from her mouth, a sudden desperate need to relinquish these feelings that have been building up inside of her since yesterday. Olivia is cuddled so closely on the couch with Amanda, just the two of them in the quiet and comfortable apartment with the sun shining through the windows and painting the walls with its golden yellow rays, the cozy, intimate atmosphere seemingly an invitation to start sharing secrets; things she wouldn't normally think of sharing with Amanda as she usually keeps most of her thoughts and feelings pushed deep down inside whenever something like this happens.

"Amanda..." Olivia trails off for a moment after uttering her colleague's name, and she glances away briefly before looking back down at the woman lying in her lap, Amanda's frown deepening as concern flits across the detective's tired face.

Olivia bites down rather hard on her bottom lip, the metallic taste of blood blooming on her tongue, her tone hushed when she speaks again. "When we were in the bathroom earlier and you said that you thought you were going to die yesterday..." She trails off once more, clearing her throat, feeling guilty for admitting this to the younger woman at this particular time, but again, the words just seem to come tumbling out of their own free will.

"I thought the same thing," she confesses. "We all did. Fin and Carisi and I thought we were going to watch you die right in front of us, and even though we were trying so hard to prevent that from happening, there was a split second where I didn't think we were going to succeed. He was just too wild, too crazy, and too hard to get under control. Thank goodness he finally moved off of you just enough that Fin could get a shot at him, because I don't know how much longer we would have been able to hold him off."

Amanda is still staring up at her in rapt attention, eyes wide open as she listens intently, and Olivia strokes a hand over her hair yet again before continuing.

"It's crazy how things go, isn't it?" she muses quietly. "One second, it's just a normal day, and the next, we might lose one of our own. I thought we were going to lose you, Amanda. I know that a certain amount of loss is just the nature of the job, but I don't think it's something I'm ever going to get used to, even after all of these years. And it's certainly not something I _want_ to get used to," she quickly amends.

"It's not something I want to get used to, either," Amanda replies softly, and she is suddenly struggling to sit up on the couch, Olivia surprised by the unexpected movements, grasping the smaller woman under the arms and lifting her up to help accommodate the swift change of position, the little grunts of pain she is becoming all too familiar with punctuating the air around them.

"Hey, take it easy," Olivia cautions worriedly, as Amanda gets settled beside her, the detective's posture more upright now but clearly radiating discomfort. "Don't hurt yourself, honey."

"I just wanted to say thank you for saving me, Liv." Amanda's own tone is now hushed when she speaks and her delicate features are somewhat pinched, like she is trying to stave off a sudden wave of emotion. "You and Fin and Carisi saved my life. If you guys hadn't been there doing all you could, that would have been it for me. Thanks for having my back."

"We've always got your back, Amanda. We're a team," Olivia assures her colleague softly, and her throat feels tight with this acknowledgment, quite aware that she and her co-worker never share conversations like this; that in all the years they have suffered through injuries and death, their lives constantly on the line as they have jumped from one catastrophe to the next in their dangerous and unpredictable line of work, they have never actually sat down and had a discussion about it.

The guilt prickles through Olivia once again with the realization that it had taken Amanda nearly losing her life for this little heart-to-heart exchange to finally take place between them; that the other woman had to be injured and on medication for them to finally begin building some kind of foundation for a friendship. A wave of warmth suddenly washes over the guilt when Olivia recalls that Amanda had chosen her instead of either one of the guys to stay overnight and watch over her, that the detective had picked the one person out of the group whom Olivia had mistakenly thought she liked the least; Amanda never texting or calling unless there is something going on with a case, never seeing each other outside of the precinct for movies or drinks or dinners, like the younger woman does with their male teammates.

Olivia is able to admit to herself that she has always felt somewhat left out and cast aside when it comes to the activities of her squad members outside of the job, the camaraderie and companionship that they all share seemingly lacking in her own life, and she knows it has something to do with being the boss; that there is a line that likely shouldn't be crossed now. The part of her that had yearned for some kind of relationship with the only other female on her team has always been pushed aside by something else; Olivia's personal issues and the intensity of the work, not to mention that she had incorrectly and immaturely assumed that her subordinate didn't like her, when it appears to have been the complete opposite for all of the these years.

"So I guess we're finally getting our wires uncrossed now, huh?" she says quietly, gazing fondly down at Amanda, and she can tell by the strained expression on the younger woman's face that it might be time for that second pain pill.

"What?" Amanda replies in confusion, and Olivia just shakes her head and waves a hand, deciding not to bring up their conversation from during the night, when her colleague had asked how to uncross the wires between them and start moving forward as friends.

There are clearly more pressing matters at hand now, as Amanda is beginning to writhe uncomfortably beneath the blanket, her head slumping against Olivia's shoulder as her eyes squeeze shut, and it is becoming quite obvious that the pain is spiraling out of control once again. She is surprised that it doesn't take much convincing for the smaller woman to take the other pill, and decides that they will just remain cocooned together on the couch and watch some cartoons until Fin and Carisi arrive. Fin has an emergency key to get into Amanda's apartment so Olivia doesn't have to worry about getting up to let them in, as the blonde detective seems to be glued to her side once again, now that the medication has kicked in further.

A smile is playing at the corners of her lips as she listens to Amanda giggling drowsily at the antics on the TV in front of them, noticing that the younger woman has slipped her small hand into Olivia's own as they concentrate on the show. She doesn't say anything, just glances briefly at Amanda, observing the glassy quality of the other woman's blue eyes as they remain fixed on the screen, and gives the clammy fingers a comforting squeeze, marveling yet again at the effect that the heavy medication has on her co-worker, never having witnessed anything quite like it before.

Amanda looks over at her, spearing Olivia with that hazy drugged haze, a crooked grin spreading across her face. "Livvy, I'm lonely."

Olivia rolls her eyes, a matching grin on her own face now as she recalls the other woman saying the exact same thing during the night, even though she had been perched on a chair right next to Amanda's bed. Now that they are sitting side by side on the same couch, actually holding hands as they snuggle beneath the shared blanket, that statement is even more ridiculous.

"How can you _still_ be lonely?" Olivia teases, rolling her eyes again as the detective's head lolls back against the cushions in a sluggish manner, and she lifts up their fingers that are laced together, raising them into the air. "We're holding hands."

"Because I'm cold and scared and everything hurts," Amanda mumbles, again repeating exactly what she had said the night before, although her words don't match the silly smile on her face, the action extremely out of sync with what she is saying, and Olivia frowns, shifting closer to the other woman on the couch.

She eases an arm very carefully around her colleague's shoulders, extremely mindful of the variety of injuries littering the small body, Amanda cuddling immediately into her side. The younger woman had started shivering very lightly after taking the second pill, an unfortunate side effect of the narcotics, and the tremors have become quite pronounced now, the couch beginning to shake with the force of the movements.

"Why are you scared?" Olivia asks softly, rubbing a gentle hand up and down the detective's arm. "It's just you and me here. It's bright and sunny outside and there's a funny cartoon playing on TV. Everything is okay. You're safe with me." She pauses briefly. "And the man who hurt you yesterday is gone. Your injuries are going to heal soon and he won't ever be able to do that to anyone else."

"I'm glad he can't hurt anyone else," Amanda mumbles, pushing her face into Olivia's neck, the shuddering of her limbs intensifying even further. "Why does everyone always want to hurt me?"

Olivia's frown deepens and she leans back slightly to try and get a look at her co-worker's expression, but Amanda's face remains buried firmly against her neck, like a child who is determined to hide from the evils of the world. "What do you mean?" she whispers into Amanda's ear. "Are you talking about the monsters again? Do you remember talking about them now, honey? I know you're having trouble recalling some of the conversations that we've had since yesterday."

She feels a slight nod against her skin, and a certain amount of relief floods through her that Amanda is actually acknowledging something that they had previously discussed and has been weighing quite heavily on Olivia's mind, her heart aching at the small detective being hurt more than she already has. "Who are the monsters, honey?" she asks tentatively, wanting to venture further into this particular topic but a little hesitant about it as well, as she doesn't want to make Amanda uncomfortable or frightened.

The other woman doesn't answer, and Olivia jostles her very lightly to keep her attention focused on what they are talking about. "Amanda? Are you with me here?" When her colleague nods again, Olivia gives her arm a quick squeeze. "Are the monsters real, honey? Are they just part of a nightmare or are they actual people?"

"They're real," Amanda murmurs, her voice so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "There have been so many of them, Livvy."

Olivia's hear clenches in her chest, wondering if Amanda is not focusing on one particular person who had done her harm, but on a variety of people who have hurt her over the course of her lifetime, everyone getting mixed together in a confusing jumble in her head, and she is reminded yet again of how little she actually knows about her co-worker, having only heard bits and pieces about her life since Amanda had joined their squad all those years ago. She is aware of what had taken place back in Atlanta with Amanda's former deputy chief, that she struggles with addiction issues, and that the younger woman's family is splintered and broken seemingly beyond repair, but she is so vague on many of the details of the detective's earlier life, and reminds herself that she is equally as vague on Amanda's current life. She pulls her colleague impossibly closer to her, intent on bringing her comfort even though she is unclear on what exactly is going on, wincing guiltily as the smaller woman squeaks in pain, but when she tries to pull away, Amanda just holds on even tighter.

"Don't leave," the blonde detective gasps out, and Olivia can feel the other woman's heart beginning to race against her. "I don't want to be alone with everything in my head. I hate these meds, Liv. I don't want to think about these things. Don't leave me here alone."

"Honey, I'm not leaving," Olivia assures her, clutching Amanda against her as gently as she possibly can. "You seem to be very nervous about that, but I promise I'm not going anywhere unless you want me to, okay?"

"Okay...I know I shouldn't-" Amanda stumbles on her words for a moment before continuing, and she seems to be trying to pull herself out of the murky depths of the medication, the narcotics robbing her of the ability to think and speak coherently, but the other woman clearly fighting against the detrimental effects. "I know I shouldn't be acting like this around you, Liv. I'm sorry for..." The detective trails off again, as if she has lost her train of thought. "I'm sorry for being inappropriate. I'm just scared and I want..."

"You want what, honey?" Olivia questions softly.

"I want you to hold me," Amanda admits, and there is a hint of shame breaking through her tired, somewhat slurred tone of voice.

"I _am_ holding you," Olivia reminds her with a gentle chuckle, tightening her arms around the other woman as much as she dares without risking further injury. "And there's no shame in asking for comfort, especially after what you went through yesterday."

"But I want you to _keep_ holding me," Amanda says timidly, her hands clutching onto the long-sleeved striped shirt that Olivia had quickly thrown on earlier. "Everyone always leaves me alone. I've always been alone with the monsters because no one cares. No one ever helps me."

"I care," Olivia replies tenderly, reaching out to sweep a golden curtain of hair away from Amanda's eyes. "And I'll help you, honey. Just tell me how."

"I mean back _then_ ," Amanda answers, beginning to sound a bit impatient, a hint of confusion lacing her tone. "No one helped me back then. But it doesn't matter now. It was a long time ago."

"Well, clearly it does still matter now," Olivia says softly. "Whatever happened back then is coming to the surface now, and it's frightening you and making you very upset. I imagine it's hard to have your head so full of thoughts that you don't want in there. That's why it's so important to get them out into the open. The trauma that you endured yesterday seems to be mixing in with trauma that you've gone through in the past. You need to talk to someone about these things, Amanda."

"I'm talking to you," the detective says simply.

"Well, you're _kind_ of talking to me," Olivia hedges. "You're not really telling me what's been going on, though."

"Nothing's going on now, Liv," Amanda replies in exhaustion, her head coming to rest heavily against Olivia's chest. "Everything already happened. But the monsters still won't leave me alone."

Olivia sighs quietly and rests her cheek lightly against Amanda's bent head. "I'm sorry they won't leave you alone, honey. I know you haven't had an easy time of it over the years. I know there are things that have happened to you in the past, back in Atlanta-"

"Not just Atlanta," Amanda whispers. "In Loganville, too."

"Where you grew up?" Olivia asks, and watches as Amanda nods in confirmation. "I know there are some issues with your family, so I'm guessing it was difficult," she continues carefully, not wanting to overstep her boundaries but needing Amanda to know that it's okay to share anything with her.

"We weren't happy," Amanda says softly, her tone of voice gravelly and slurred, and the younger woman wipes a weary hand across her eyes. "Everyone fought all the time. My dad gambled and my sister ran wild and my mom couldn't deal with it all. It's hard to be the one who has to hold everyone together." Her colleague takes a deep breath and clears her throat before speaking again, and it is obvious that she is struggling to remain articulate in her drugged state. "When a family is falling apart, sometimes things happen. Bad things." She hesitates briefly. "Do you know what the worst kind of monster is, Liv?"

Olivia shakes her head and strokes her hand over Amanda's hair to urge the detective to keep talking, her heart breaking at the younger woman's next words.

"The kind of monster who knows something bad is happening and doesn't do anything to stop it."


	6. Chapter 6

Olivia's heart is breaking as she coaxes Amanda to continue on with the conversation they are having, the younger woman apparently needing to take a short break as she has stopped speaking momentarily, her head still resting in the crook of Olivia's neck. The silence in the apartment is broken by the sudden turning of a key in the lock, Olivia cursing under her breath as Amanda startles violently in her arms, and she is quite frustrated by the timing of Fin and Carisi's arrival, even though she has been looking forward to their visit. She knows their teammates want to get together with Amanda to make sure she is doing okay, but their timing couldn't be worse, as the blonde detective had finally been about to open up in regards to the monsters that are haunting both her nightmares and her waking hours.

Olivia watches as the remaining members of her squad shuffle in through the door, their arms loaded down with bouquets of flowers and bags of takeout food, a giant stuffed teddy bear balanced precariously over one of Carisi's shoulders, and her lip turns up at the corner, overcome with a wave of warmth and appreciation for how much the guys obviously care for their injured colleague and friend. Amanda has yet to remove her face from Olivia's neck and she nudges the other woman gently, trying to get her to say hello as the detective must have heard them come in, but Amanda seems to be molded right into her body, the combination of heavy drugs and even heavier conversation very clearly weighing her down.

"Hey, how's it going in here?" Fin asks as he and Carisi step over to the couch and begin setting everything carefully onto the coffee table, mindful of Olivia's laptop and cell phone and the cup of tea she had made earlier that has since grown cold.

She watches the reactions of both men when they get a look at how closely Amanda is cuddled into her side, Carisi's eyebrows flying up in apparent shock and his jaw dropping a little. Fin looks decidedly less surprised, and Olivia guesses that he is remembering the time he had spent with Amanda after she had been shot a few years ago.

"Oh, baby girl, get off of our lieutenant," the older man chastises lightly, shaking his head at Olivia in dismay. "Has she been like this the whole time?" He makes a move as if to gently pry his partner away from his boss, but she raises a hand to stop him.

"Just leave her, Fin. She's fine where she is," Olivia assures him, smoothing a hand down Amanda's back as she is overcome with a fierce wave of protectiveness towards her subordinate, neglecting to admit that she wants to hold the younger woman just as much as Amanda wants to be held, intent on bringing the detective some solace in her time of need. "We've been having a bit of a rough time here."

"Yeah, I can see that," Fin murmurs, his brows pulled together in a deep frown and the concern plain in his voice as he regards the youngest member of their group attentively. "You doing okay there, Amanda?"

The blonde detective makes a noise that sounds like "Mmm hmm," and Olivia feels the other woman's body slacken in her arms and become heavier, like she is on the verge of falling back to sleep.

"I didn't know you were a secret cuddler, Amanda," Carisi teases gently, apparently trying to lighten the mood, and this seems to get the smaller woman's attention, Amanda's head lifting straight up from Olivia's shoulder, blue eyes at half mast and a dark pink blush spreading across her cheeks.

"I'm not," she mumbles irritably, moving slightly away from Olivia on the couch, but keeping their fingers laced together beneath the blanket as if needing more reassurance that she is not going to be left alone, and not wanting it to be obvious to the guys how needy she is.

"Well, you could've fooled me," Carisi chuckles, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "We brought you something to snuggle with instead of using our lieutenant as a body pillow," he continues, holding up the giant teddy bear, his gaze straying from Amanda to Olivia with raised eyebrows now. "Unless Liv is a secret cuddler too."

"Carisi..." Olivia trails off warningly, shaking her head at the younger man, perturbed that Amanda is inching further and further away from her on the couch since she is likely embarrassed to be caught doing something that is the complete opposite of her usual tough-cop persona.

Olivia is a little sheepish herself but the need to comfort the other woman is overriding any of her own embarrassment and she keeps their hands clasped firmly together underneath the blanket, wanting to maintain that physical connection between them and let Amanda know that she is still there for her, continuing to assuage any fears that the detective might have of Olivia leaving her alone.

Carisi continues to poke fun at Amanda in a very gentle way as Olivia and Fin briefly discuss the details of the case, and Olivia's annoyance level begins to lessen as she hears Amanda starting to snicker in response to her co-worker's goofy jokes, bantering back with him in a tone that is still tired and slurred, some of what she is saying not making complete sense. Olivia is glad that the other woman is momentarily distracted from her pain and anguish as she and Fin converse in low tones about their suspect who had died earlier that day, and she keeps an ear cocked to make sure Amanda is not listening to their discussion and is fully engaged in the silliness with Carisi.

"I know it's a little early for dinner, but we thought we'd bring some food over, since I'm guessing cooking isn't high on your priority list right now," Fin says, gathering the takeout bags into his hands and heading into the kitchen after they are done with their short chat. "I hope Chinese is okay."

"It's great, Fin, thanks," Olivia replies appreciatively, her stomach growling in response to the enticing smell of food that is wafting beneath her nose.

"I'm starving," Carisi comments, rubbing his hands together as if in anticipation of the meal that awaits them. "I could barely keep myself from ripping into those bags on the way over here."

"Why does it look like a bomb went off in the kitchen?" Fin suddenly calls out, and Olivia bites her lip briefly, forgetting about the mess she had made earlier as she has since gotten sidetracked from her cleaning project. "It's an absolute disaster in here. You going a little stir crazy already, Liv?" he adds in amusement.

"Livvy, don't fuck up my kitchen," Amanda abruptly admonishes, wagging a warning finger right in front of Olivia's face. "It's not yours; you don't live here."

There is complete and utter silence for several seconds before they all burst out laughing in surprise, Amanda looking around at everyone in confusion, which only makes them laugh even harder for a moment. Although Olivia is still somewhat disgruntled at being interrupted during such a crucial point in her conversation with Amanda, she has to admit that it feels wonderful to laugh and let loose a bit after all of the stress and upheaval of the past twenty-four hours.

"Yeah, Livvy, don't fuck up Amanda's kitchen," Carisi snickers in hilarity under his breath, and the laughter comes to an immediate halt, the color draining instantly from the younger man's face when Olivia fixes him with a hard stare and he seems to realize what he has just said.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry, Lieu," he mumbles, hanging his head in mortification as bright spots of color explode on each of his cheeks. "I don't know what I'm saying; I got carried away. That was really disrespectful."

"It sure was," Fin says, sounding quite chagrined as he comes back into the room with a plate of Chinese food in one hand and cuffs the Italian detective lightly across the back of the head with the other, before setting the meal down on the coffee table in front of Amanda.

"Yeah, Sonny, don't disrespect Lieutenant Livvy," Amanda scoffs, her fingers still laced through Olivia's underneath the blanket and squeezing urgently as if in solidarity against their rude colleague, evidently forgetting that she has just done the exact same thing herself.

"Yes, apparently you're the only one who's allowed to do that, Amanda," Fin responds dryly, shaking his head and crossing his arms over his chest as he regards his partner with an exasperated expression. "Watch your mouth there, baby girl. Try to exercise a little bit of self control, okay? Maybe Olivia doesn't appreciate being referred to in that disrespectful manner."

"Fin, you know it's not her fault," Olivia sighs, squeezing Amanda's hand in return and then fixing Carisi with another stern look. " _You_ , on the other hand..."

Carisi blushes profusely again and Fin gives him a hard shove, jerking a thumb toward the kitchen. "Make yourself useful and go get Liv some dinner," the older man orders, rolling his eyes at Olivia as Carisi slinks from the room, his shoulders slumping down in apparent shame.

They sit there in silence for a moment, the opening of drawers and the clinking of utensils and dishes from the kitchen the only noise in the apartment, and Olivia watches as Fin continues to carefully observes his partner, Amanda frowning down at her plate like she has never seen Chinese food before.

"How's she been doing?" he asks in a low voice, meeting Olivia's gaze as he inclines his head toward the younger woman. "Do you need some help here, Liv? Carisi and I can take over for a little while, if you want a break. I'm guessing you didn't get a lot of sleep last night."

"Neither of us got much sleep," Olivia replies, trying to keep the exhaustion from her tone as she doesn't want Amanda to worry that she is too much to handle and that Olivia will leave. "We've been having some ups and downs." She notices Amanda poking tentatively at the white rice with one finger, prodding at the food with the edge of her nail like she is afraid of it. "Honey, use a fork," she chastises gently, shaking her head with a soft sigh.

"For god's sake, Amanda, it's _rice_ ," Fin says, chuckling affectionately before leaning forward to pull the detective's fingers away from her meal and handing her the fork that is sitting on the coffee table. "You're staring at it like it's alive or something."

"I don't even know if she should be eating that, considering how upset her stomach has been from all the medication," Olivia muses, and she is struck with the same feeling she had been hit with in the elevator the previous night when she and Fin had been escorting a very drugged Amanda up to her apartment; that odd familial sensation of she and the older man taking care of their unruly child.

"Well, considering she seems to have suddenly developed an intense fear of rice, maybe it's best that she doesn't eat it," Fin concedes with a slight smirk.

"I'm not scared of my rice, Finny," Amanda retorts, gracing her partner with a steely glare. "I just don't like what it reminds me of."

"And what does it remind you of?" Olivia asks warily, somewhat afraid to hear the answer.

"Maggots," Amanda responds without hesitation. "Like when we have to go to those crime scenes where the body has been laying outside for days, rotting in the hot sun."

"Well, isn't that a pleasant thought?" Olivia murmurs in disgust, her stomach turning over as Carisi sets a plate piled high with steaming food down in front of her, and this time when the smell hits her nose she has to fight back a wave of nausea, her appetite steadily diminishing as she eyes her own rice with suspicion.

"Don't eat it, Liv," Amanda advises her, blue eyes widening briefly as she gestures toward Olivia's meal.

"What's going on?" Carisi asks in confusion, his gaze swinging back and forth between the two women as he takes a seat on the floor in front of the coffee table. "Don't tell me there's something wrong with the food. I'm starving!"

"There's nothing wrong with the food," Fin replies with a sigh. "Amanda's drug-induced state of mind is just conjuring up some bad thoughts and causing her to look at the rice in a different way."

"What?" Carisi's brow is deeply wrinkled, appearing even more perplexed now as he gathers up a giant forkful of his own food, mixing the rice and noodles and sauce together before raising it to his mouth. "What do you mean? How is she looking at it?"

"Like it's a bunch of maggots rotting on a bloated corpse at a crime scene," Amanda informs him very seriously, and Carisi's fork slips from his hand and clatters back down onto his plate, the noise echoing throughout the living room as noodles spill onto the floor.

"Well, I _was_ starving," he murmurs, hastily scooping the noodles back onto the coffee table and swiping at the mess with a napkin.

Amanda pushes her own plate away from her, the youngest member of the group seemingly quite satisfied that no one is touching their dinner now, but Fin has his arms crossed over his chest, a disgruntled frown fixed upon his face. "Hey, this meal was my treat and it wasn't cheap, so I'd appreciate if everyone actually eats something and it doesn't go to waste," he mutters in irritation.

"Alright, guys, can we please just try to have a nice dinner together?" Olivia says wearily, rubbing an exhausted hand over her face and deciding that she will no longer let herself feel left out of the squad's activities outside of work, as she has just about had enough of every single one of them at the moment. "Amanda, maybe we can find a more appropriate topic of conversation while we eat, okay?"

"Yeah, that would be nice," Carisi replies in agreement, picking up his fork and tentatively swirling it through the pile of rice and noodles once again.

"I'm not going to eat," Amanda mumbles, leaning back against the couch and pulling the blanket up to her shoulders, and Olivia takes note of the pale, waxy quality of the other woman's skin and the bruises of fatigue standing out beneath her eyes.

"Are you feeling sick again?" she asks in concern, putting her own fork down and reaching over to place a gentle hand on the detective's forehead.

Amanda nods and her eyelids flutter closed as Olivia gently rubs her head for a moment, again observing the uncharacteristically childlike qualities of her subordinate, the small detective curled up against the cushions in her polka-dotted pajamas, blonde hair askew and a streak of sauce visible on one cheek, even though Amanda hasn't eaten anything.

"Well, I think anyone would feel sick after that conversation," Carisi says, although he is shoveling food into his mouth with gusto now, like the previous discussion had never taken place.

"The meds have been upsetting her stomach," Olivia explains, swiping at the sauce on the other woman's cheek with the pad of her thumb, Amanda leaning into her touch like she is in need of some comfort again.

"You've been having a pretty rough time here, haven't you, baby girl?" Fin asks in sympathy, his annoyance over the Chinese food apparently dissipating as he takes in the vulnerable state of his partner. "How's the pain?"

"It's bad," Amanda murmurs, and Olivia can see her shifting over bit by bit on the couch once more, her movements hesitant as if she is afraid to get too physically close for fear of being teased again. "It's always bad. Those stupid meds don't even help. They just make me crazy."

"Well, it's hard to argue with that," Fin chuckles gently, but Olivia can see the concern shining in his dark eyes. "Hopefully the pain starts to die down a bit soon and you can get some rest."

"Yeah, I'm hoping she gets some relief at some point in the near future," Olivia sighs, stroking a tender hand down Amanda's arm. "The injuries are incredibly painful and there are just so many of them."

"She's been through a lot," Fin replies in a hushed tone and Olivia sees the older man swallowing hard, looking like he wants to say something else and then deciding against it, and she guesses that they share the same thoughts on their suspect, both of them relieved that the man who had hurt their colleague so badly is now gone from the world.

"I was talking about you too, though, Liv," he continues softly. "You need to be getting some rest as well. The past twenty-four hours have been stressful for all of us. Carisi or I can stay overnight tonight, if you want a break to sleep in your own bed."

"Thanks, Fin, I appreciate that," Olivia answers, giving him a brief smile. "I think I'll stay here for another night, though." She doesn't mention that she is extremely concerned with putting Amanda into a very awkward and uncomfortable situation in terms of washing and dressing, not wanting to trigger the other woman in any way and figuring Amanda would be even less inclined to ask for help if one of her male squad members was here with her instead.

"Are you sure, Liv?" Fin asks doubtfully. "You must be exhausted. And I don't mind staying. She's my partner."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not even here," Amanda mutters angrily, and there is still a somewhat slurred quality to her tone, the younger woman's tongue seemingly tripping over her words as she tries to speak coherently. "Liv already said she's not leaving, so don't make her change her mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind, honey," Olivia assures her softly, putting a steadying hand on the small detective's back as Amanda shifts over to the edge of the couch, wobbling there like she is either about to stand up and leave the room or lose her balance and fall over. "I'll stay here with you for as long as you want me to."

"Well, you're certainly singing a different tune than you were last night," Fin comments lightly, raising his eyebrows at his partner. "You were pretty dead set on going home alone and taking care of yourself until we made you choose one of us to take with you. I guess you picked the right person, huh? You and Liv getting along pretty well now?"

Amanda nods slowly, still regarding both of her male colleagues with a slightly suspicious gaze, her eyes swinging back and forth between them like she is worried they are going to try and take Olivia away from her. "Yes, Liv is my friend now," the detective acknowledges quietly. "She's keeping me safe."

"Keeping you safe?" Carisi echoes in confusion, his head tilting to the side as he frowns at Amanda. "From what?" There is a brief pause, his tone radiating concern when he continues to speak. "Is someone hurting you, Amanda?"

"I don't know," the blonde woman replies in a small voice, shoulders hunching up around her ears in an exaggerated shrug.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" Carisi's voice is rising in intensity and he looks over at Olivia, the worried frown on his face deepening and pulling his eyebrows together sharply. "Liv, what's going on here? Is someone hurting her?"

"I think she's just getting some things mixed up in her head," Olivia replies softly, not wanting to reveal too much of what has been going on with the younger woman since the previous night, as she wants to protect Amanda's privacy and because she herself is still not entirely sure what the problem is.

"Everything is really mixed up," Amanda confirms faintly, a distressed look crossing her delicate features. "I can't keep it all straight in my head. The monsters are just there all the time now, whether I'm asleep or awake."

"What monsters?" Carisi demands, beginning to sound quite agitated as he rises up from his sitting position on the floor to stand in front of the couch with his hands on his hips, and Olivia and Fin trade a quick glance at the mention of that particular word. "Will someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

Amanda covers her face with her hands, Olivia's heart aching when she hears the other woman let out a small whimper, and she hurriedly shifts over on the couch to ease the detective into her embrace. "It's okay, honey, come here," she soothes, leaning them both back to rest against the cushions and tucking the blanket up over their bodies, her arms wrapping around Amanda's quivering form.

"Carisi, please calm down," she continues in a soft tone, looking up at the younger man who is staring down at them with unconcealed bewilderment and worry. "You're scaring her."

"Well, I'm sorry, Liv, but I'm scared _for_ her," Carisi replies, lowering the volume of his voice to a more acceptable level and obviously making an effort to keep his composure. "Is she okay?"

"She's okay. No one is hurting her right now," Olivia assures him quietly, smoothing a hand over Amanda's long blonde hair, the other woman's face pressed into the crook of her neck again, like it had been earlier. "I think she's remembering some things from her past and getting them confused with the present because of the drugs she's on."

Carisi is pacing back and forth in front of the couch now and for a moment Olivia doesn't think the younger man is going to accept this explanation as an answer, and is relieved when he stops short and nods his head silently, gazing down at Amanda with a troubled expression but seeming to realize that the emotional outburst on behalf of his co-worker is not doing her any good.

"We're glad Liv is taking such good care of you and she's keeping you safe, Amanda," Fin says gently, his tone and expression much more neutral than Carisi's is, but Olivia can see it in his eyes; that perplexity and wonderment combined with a hint of anger that someone would dare lay a finger on his partner when she was younger and less able to defend herself. She knows that anger is mixing in with what had happened to Amanda the day before and that Fin is likely feeling as powerless as she herself is in this situation, wanting to save Amanda from something that has already happened to her, like they had been able to save her from the madman with the knife.

From what Olivia can gather so far, Amanda had obviously been through something terrible at some point during her childhood or teenage years and these horrific memories are now coming back to the surface with the help of the heavy narcotics she is on, and possibly triggered by the events that had occurred the day before. Amanda's blue eyes are wide and swimming with unshed tears, her lower lip trembling when she inclines her head away from the smaller woman to get a look at her face, and the detective appears to be on the verge of a breakdown, her fingernails digging sharply into Olivia's forearm and her breathing beginning to sound slightly labored.

"Okay, guys, I think Amanda needs a bit of a break here," she says softly, easing them back up into a more upright position on the couch, the younger woman's grip around her arm becoming more firm as if she is still not quite convinced that Olivia isn't going to leave. "We're just going to go back into the bedroom for a minute, alright?"

"Yeah, sure, Liv, take all the time you need," Fin replies, and she can hear the emotion in his voice being pushed down as the older man tries to maintain his usual cool.

"Just let us know if you need anything," Carisi adds, that worried edge still apparent in his tone as Olivia helps Amanda stand up, grasping her gently around the waist to keep the smaller woman from stumbling on her own feet, the detective teetering unsteadily on shaking legs now that she is no longer sitting down.

"Come on, honey," Olivia murmurs to the younger woman, guiding Amanda carefully into her room before closing the door behind them and leading her colleague over to the bed, lowering them both down so they are perched together on the edge of the mattress. The detective suddenly seems to be having a very hard time catching her breath and she places both hands on Amanda's shoulders, physically turning the other woman toward her so they are facing each other. "Just try to relax, okay? You're hyperventilating there, honey. Is it the pain or the conversation that's upsetting you?"

"Both," Amanda chokes out, her hands reaching up to grasp onto Olivia's forearms with a surprisingly strong grip, face contorting in anguish as a tear slips from one eye to roll slowly down a pale cheek, dripping off of her chin and landing on the front of her shirt.

"Okay, just try to breathe slowly and deeply," Olivia instructs softly, stroking the pads of her thumbs back and forth along Amanda's shoulder blades as they gaze intently at each other, the detective's eyes wide open and pooling with more unshed tears. "You can't have any more pain medication for a little while."

"I don't want any more," the younger woman gasps out between gritted teeth. "I can't get these horrible thoughts out of my head. I don't care how bad the pain is, I'm done with the drugs."

"Are they thoughts or are they memories?" Olivia asks very gently, peering closely at her colleague while she waits for an answer, her heart breaking as she watches Amanda's face crumple, the other woman dissolving very quickly into sobs of despair.

"They're memories," Amanda admits brokenly, the weeping intensifying as she seems to be unable to regain control of herself. "They won't leave me alone. I can't get them out of my head. Make them stop, Liv, _please_."

"Oh, honey, I can't make them stop," Olivia murmurs, her chest tight with this acknowledgment and feeling utterly powerless as she is unable to relieve the other woman of either her physical or emotional pain. "But I can listen you to. I can hold you. I can be there for you in any way that you want me to be."

There is a continuous long, low whimpering sound emitting from between Amanda's parted lips now, and the blonde woman seems unable to calm down, the hysteria rolling off of her in waves. "Please don't leave me, Liv," Amanda begs through her tears, her breathing quick and harsh as fumbling fingers scrabble desperately at the sleeves of Olivia's striped shirt, trying to find purchase. "I don't want Fin or Carisi to stay here with me. I only want you."

"Honey, how many times do I have to tell you that I'm not going to leave?" Olivia whispers intensely, frustration and sorrow mixing together as she draws the other woman gently against her chest, one hand bracing the back of Amanda's head and the other smoothing up and down her rumpled pajama shirt. "What do I have to say to convince you that I'm going to stay right here with you? I absolutely promise that I won't leave."

"Everyone always leaves," Amanda cries as she clings frantically onto Olivia's body, the detective's arms winding their way around her waist and holding on tightly. "And promises don't matter. They always get broken."

"Well, my promises matter and I never break them," Olivia says fiercely, blinking back her own tears as her throat threatens to close up before she can finish speaking. "Who left you, honey? Someone left you alone after promising that they wouldn't. Who was it?"

Amanda doesn't answer right away and just continues to cry, her face buried firmly into Olivia's neck, the smaller woman's tears drenching her skin, and Olivia presses a soft kiss to the crown of her head.

"It's okay, you can tell me," she whispers into Amanda's ear, fingers tangling gently into long blonde strands of hair. "Just get it out, honey. Tell me what happened. Who left you?"

"My father," Amanda whispers back, her voice so low that it can barely be heard.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia replies with feeling, rocking the smaller woman gently from side to side as they talk, relieved that Amanda has started opening up to her and hoping it will continue. "I'm so sorry your father left you."

"He left my sister and I alone with _them_ ," Amanda sputters out through another round of heavy sobs, her entire body shaking violently in Olivia's embrace. "With my mother and her boyfriend. They were monsters, Liv. My mother was cheating on my father because she couldn't take the gambling anymore. So my father left and the boyfriend stayed. And my father became a monster too because he didn't stop what was happening. I loved him. He was my favorite person in the world and he didn't save us. So I had to do it."

"You had to do what?" Olivia asks uneasily, a cold feeling in the pit of her stomach now and she has to stop herself from clutching the younger woman impossibly closer to her, mindful of not injuring the small detective even further.

"I had to save my sister," Amanda responds in a hushed tone of voice. "And I did, Liv. I saved her." There is a slight pause before the other woman speaks again, the tears practically choking her. "But there was no one to save me."


	7. Chapter 7

**Trigger warnings for discussions of physical violence in this chapter.**

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Amanda is very swiftly falling apart in Olivia's arms, the younger woman experiencing a complete and total meltdown as her heartwrenching cries pierce the air, the detective so overcome with emotion that she is unable to keep speaking. Olivia holds her colleague as close as she dares without causing more harm to her injuries, Amanda's face wedged in tight to the space where her neck meets her shoulder, the other woman's tears rolling down Olivia's skin and disappearing beneath the collar of her long sleeved striped shirt.

She knows that they have most likely alerted the attention of Fin and Carisi, who are still eating dinner in the living room, and is expecting a frantic knock on the bedroom door at any moment. Olivia wants this scene to remain private between the two of them, figuring Amanda would be completely mortified if she was fully aware of the situation; that not only is she breaking down in her boss' arms but their other squad members are listening to the entire thing from the next room. Olivia is very intent on protecting the small detective's privacy while she is having her breakdown, but instantly changes her mind when Amanda suddenly pulls away from her and begins gagging, hands flying up to cover her mouth and eyes wide open in panic.

"Hey, guys, can we get some help in here, please?" she calls out as she reaches out for Amanda again, Fin and Carisi bursting through the door and rushing into the bedroom a few seconds later.

"Grab the garbage can," Olivia says tersely, inclining her head toward the small plastic container in the corner, and Carisi dutifully complies, snatching up the receptacle and thrusting it beneath Amanda's chin just in the nick of time.

The younger woman immediately begins throwing up what little she has in her stomach, Olivia wincing in sympathy and her own stomach roiling in response as she listens to the harsh choking sounds emitting from between her co-worker's lips, glad that she has yet to consume any of the Chinese food that Fin had treated them to for an early supper.

It is truly a team effort as they all do their part in taking care of their injured colleague while she retches violently, Olivia still perched on the edge of the mattress with Amanda, bodies turned to the side as she braces the smaller woman steadily from behind, trying to keep the detective's cuts from breaking open again and her stitches from ripping. Fin has gotten up on the bed and is kneeling on the mattress, having gently scooped Amanda's hair away from her face and clasping the long blonde strands in a loose ponytail at the base of her neck, while Carisi continues to hold the garbage can underneath his co-worker's chin.

Olivia can feel Amanda's muscles contracting and expanding against the hands that are clasped around the smaller woman's ribs, the uncontrollable movements most likely an extremely painful thing to have to endure, and the detective's fingers are suddenly scrabbling against her own in an anxious manner, sharp nails piercing into tender skin. Olivia links their fingers together and squeezes reassuringly, murmuring soothing words into Amanda's ear while she continues to vomit, intent on keeping her colleague as calm and still as she possibly can.

Finally the younger woman slumps back against her chest in an exhausted, shivering heap, breathing hard and whimpering periodically, blonde head lolling limply on Olivia's shoulder when Fin gently lets go of her hair. Carisi sets the garbage can down on the floor, the slightly greenish tinge to his complexion perfectly matching the coloring of his fellow detective's sallow skin, and for a split second Olivia is sure that she is going to be treated to the disconcerting sight of another co-worker becoming physically ill.

"You okay there, baby girl? Do you think you're done throwing up?" Fin asks softly, and Amanda nods shakily in response, her fingers still threaded firmly through Olivia's.

"Do you think we should take her back to the hospital?" the older man murmurs, his question directed toward Olivia this time, and she feels Amanda stiffen in her embrace.

"No, I don't need to go back there," the blonde woman argues in an urgent manner, her speech still somewhat slurred, and Olivia pulls Amanda even closer against her chest, resting her chin on her colleague's shoulder for a moment so she can whisper soothingly into her ear again.

"It's alright, honey, it was just a suggestion," she says gently. "It's something to consider, though, okay? You've been in a lot of pain and throwing up quite a bit. Maybe there's something they can do for you there that can't be done here."

"No, I'm not going back," Amanda replies very insistently, and Olivia can feel the pounding of the smaller woman's heart through the back of her flannel pajama shirt, the grip her colleague has on her fingers tightening to an almost painful degree.

"I can drive if we need to go," Carisi pipes up from his position on the floor, that sickly greenish color fading away from his face somewhat, his complexion a little more clear now as he hastily shoves the soiled garbage can further away from him. "I picked Fin up on the way over here and we got a really good parking spot right in front of the building, so it shouldn't be too hard to get her out to my car."

"Stop talking about me like I'm not even here," Amanda snaps, repeating what she had said in the living room earlier, and Olivia feels a sharp pang of guilt as that is exactly what they have been doing; treating the youngest member of the group like she doesn't even have a say in what's going on, even though the situation directly involves her. "Stop treating me like I'm a fucking child. I'm just sick because of the meds, so I'm going to stop taking them."

"But you're still in pain, Amanda," Fin points out softly as he reaches out to lay a tender hand on his partner's forearm, the blonde detective immediately recoiling and wrenching away from his touch, her extreme physical and emotional discomfort plainly visible now. "Maybe you shouldn't stop taking them just yet."

"I can handle it," the younger woman mutters, her shoulders hunching up to her ears defensively, as if trying to create a barrier to shield herself from her colleagues' unwanted recommendations.

"Can you?" Carisi asks gently with raised eyebrows, and the inquiry is neither malicious nor teasing but simply one of concern for his injured and drugged co-worker. "Because it doesn't seem like you can. Maybe they released you from the emergency room a bit too early, Amanda. It doesn't seem like things are going very smoothly here."

"I can make my own decisions," Amanda declares stubbornly, but her voice is wobbling dangerously now and it is clear that she is becoming overly emotional once again, the trauma that she had endured the day before mixing in with the heavy narcotics and the harrowing memories of the past, everything seeming to take a substantial toll on her. The youngest member of their group appears to be entirely lost and overwhelmed, and despite being so adamant on not being treated like a child, Amanda bursts into tears again, her normally pale cheeks very flushed from a combination of uncontrollable vomiting, intense emotion, and extreme embarrassment.

"Okay, honey, just try to relax," Olivia soothes, and she has to stop herself from rocking the other woman back and forth to calm her down, not wanting to trigger Amanda's upset stomach again. "We're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do, okay? It's just something to take into consideration because you've been having such a hard time since you got home. But I do think you're right; that the vomiting will most likely stop when the medication is out of your system. I'm just concerned about your pain level becoming really out of control, though."

"I can handle it," Amanda insists again, her demeanor the exact opposite of her words, and the smaller woman's head is bowed down toward her chest now, trembling hands reaching up to cover her face, voice muffled through both her fingers and her sobs when she speaks again. "Please don't make me go back, Livvy."

Olivia expels a deep sigh at the softly uttered term of endearment, the drug-induced nickname pulling at her heartstrings as she rests her cheek very lightly against the other woman's bent head, the childish version of Amanda seeming to be fighting a war with the adult. "We're not going to make you do anything you don't want to do," she repeats gently, recalling the conversation she and Amanda had been sharing just prior to the younger woman getting sick, and she has a feeling that the blonde detective has already been made to do quite enough over the course of her lifetime that she hasn't consented to.

"Okay," Amanda sniffles, dragging an arm across her damp face, her tone suggesting that she doesn't quite believe what Olivia is saying.

"Liv, are you sure it's a good idea for her to say at home?" Fin questions softly, holding up a hand when Amanda begins to object again. "I don't mean to talk about you like you're not here, baby girl, but you're not exactly in the right frame of mind to be making these kinds of decisions right now, okay? We're just trying to figure out what's best for you."

"Staying with Liv is what's best for me," Amanda replies intensely, another loud sob escaping her throat, and Olivia can feel the shuddering of the other woman's body increasing significantly as they try and come to a decision about what to do.

"Amanda, I'm not debating that," Fin answers patiently, still holding a hand in the air and keeping his tone measured and calm. "You've made it very clear that Liv is the person you want to have with you until it's okay to be by yourself. And I'm sure Liv will stay with you no matter where you are; whether you're here at home or in the emergency room at the hospital."

"She's staying with me here at _home_ ," Amanda whimpers, clearly becoming more and more distraught with each passing moment, and Olivia tightens the hold she has around the younger woman, Amanda turning around in her embrace and pressing her tear-streaked face very hard into Olivia's shoulder. "I just want to be safe in my own bed. I don't want anyone else touching me."

"Hey, hey, just relax, honey," Olivia murmurs, frowning in concern at Amanda's words while stroking a tender hand through long blonde tangles of hair and down over a soaking wet cheek. "We'll stay here, where you feel safe, okay? And no one else is going to touch you, I promise."

"Because you never break a promise, right?" Amanda hiccups into her ear, voice breaking on another sob, and Olivia nods emphatically, her heart aching at the younger woman's distress, Amanda continuing to cling to her like she is afraid someone is going to tear them apart.

"That's right," Olivia confirms vehemently, needing the small detective to know that she will never make her do anything that she is uncomfortable with unless it is absolutely necessary, and resolves to do absolutely everything she can to keep the other woman calm and still so there is no further risk of ripping her stitches open.

"We're sorry, Amanda," Fin says quietly, shifting over to the edge of the mattress so that he can get off the bed and stand beside Carisi, who has also risen to his feet. "We didn't mean to scare you by suggesting that we take you back to the hospital. We're only trying to help. We just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm okay," Amanda whispers, and although it is quite the ridiculous statement to make while tears stream down her face and she is wrapped so tightly around Olivia that they seem to have merged into one person, no one utters a word of dissent.

Fin nods slowly, a neutral expression on his face as he gazes down at his partner. "Well, I'm glad to hear that, baby girl. But you know that whenever you're not okay, we're all here for you, right? You can trust us and you're safe with us. You don't have to be okay all the time. We're never gonna look down on you for showing weakness, no matter how much we might tease you. We just like to goof around sometimes."

Carisi murmurs his agreement and Olivia feels Amanda nod against her neck, the firm hold the younger woman has around her ribs finally loosening somewhat, and she smiles gratefully up at her squad members. "We really appreciate you guys coming over here today, and for bringing dinner as well, but I think Amanda needs some rest now."

"Alright, Liv," Fin replies somewhat doubtfully, sounding like he wants to argue and then seeming to think better of it, instead giving her a hesitant smile in return. "You two make sure to call us if you need anything at all, okay? It doesn't matter what time it is, just pick up the phone and we'll be here."

"Thanks, guys," Olivia says sincerely, her smile widening as she is once again overcome with a wave of warmth and affection for her teammates, recognizing how lucky she and Amanda are to have a squad that looks out for each other at all times. "I'll walk you guys to the door."

"No need to do that," Fin answers lightly as Amanda tightens her hold on Olivia again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out his emergency key. "We can show ourselves out. I think you might have a little trouble pulling away there." He gestures fondly toward Amanda and Olivia's lip quirks up at the side in response, smoothing a comforting hand down the back of the other woman's flannel shirt as they say their goodbyes.

"I'm sorry," Amanda says softly after the guys have left the room and they have listened to the key turn in the lock, the smaller woman's words broken and mumbled. "I'm sorry everyone has to see me like this. I just- I can't seem to control myself. I'm so embarrassed."

"It's okay, honey," Olivia assures her softly, taking note that the other woman's level of embarrassment doesn't seem to be enough for her to pull away, as Amanda is clinging so tightly onto Olivia's body that she appears to be trying to burrow beneath her skin. "I know you're embarrassed and it's hard for you to let down your guard and show the more private side of yourself, but they're your family. They're here for you and they understand."

"And you, Liv," Amanda whispers heatedly, a certain urgency to her tone now, as if needing Olivia to know that what she is saying is entirely true. "You're my family too."

Olivia is incredibly touched to be included in this statement; to feel like she is one of the group and not just the boss, and she marvels at close the two of them seem to have become in an exceptionally short period of time, so grateful that they are in the process of forming a much tighter bond with one another. "Well, thank you, honey," she replies, her throat feeling quite constricted as she swallows hard against a sudden tidal wave of emotion. "I feel the same way."

"You guys are so much better than my real family," Amanda continues in a hushed whisper, and Olivia's heart clenches in her chest as she recalls the conversation they had been having a short time ago, wondering if she should coax the younger woman to keep talking or if it is just too much for her to handle right now, not wanting to induce another sobbing or vomiting session that might injure the detective even more.

Amanda seems to solve that particular dilemma for her right away, though, as the detective's head slumps down onto Olivia's shoulder once again, muttering about how tired she is.

"Okay, let's get you tucked into bed for a little rest," Olivia says softly, maneuvering them as carefully as possible across the mattress before easing Amanda beneath the covers, the task proving to be quite a difficult one to accomplish as the smaller woman refuses to let go of her for any length of time.

"Don't leave me," Amanda pleads, small fingers gripping onto the material of Olivia's shirt with a strength that belies how injured and drugged she is.

"I won't, honey," Olivia assures her quietly. "I'm going to stay right here with you until you fall asleep and then I'm going to go clean up the kitchen, okay?"

"Fin said you fucked up my kitchen, Livvy," the younger woman responds with a slight accusation in her tone, and Olivia can't help the short laugh that escapes her lips in spite of how serious things currently are, remembering the goofy conversation they had all shared in the living room.

"No, _you_ said that, Amanda," she reminds her colleague with a chuckle, ruffling her hair delicately while rolling her eyes. "But it will get cleaned up, so don't worry about it, okay?"

It is proving to be quite challenging for Olivia to get them both arranged properly on the bed as Amanda refuses to let go of her for even a second, her grasp becoming tighter every time she so much as moves. Instead of arguing about it or insisting that Amanda relinquish the stranglehold she has around her body, Olivia chooses to remain silent on the subject, knowing how traumatized her colleague has been since the day before and how vital it is for her to feel safe and protected while she is still under the influence of the mind-altering drugs. She simply gets them both settled together in the middle of the bed, making sure Amanda is in a comfortable spot before pulling the covers over their shoulders and taking up the same position she had the night before; one arm banded very lightly across the smaller woman's ribs and the other sliding under Amanda's neck to cradle the blonde head in the crook of her elbow.

There is no more conversation to be had between them as the detective very quickly succumbs to sleep, the death grip she has on the front of Olivia's shirt loosening bit by bit until her small hand becomes entirely slack and rests limply on top of Olivia's chest, the room filling with the sounds of congested snores, Amanda likely stuffed up from all of the crying she has been doing. Olivia doesn't dare move even an inch away on the mattress until she is sure that her colleague has drifted off into dreamland, and even then she finds herself very reluctant to let go, that fierce wave of protectiveness overtaking her once again and causing her to hold onto the younger woman much longer than is necessary.

The sun is starting to set outside when Olivia finally begins to pull away as gently as she can, the brightness of the day dimming incrementally as dark shadows elongate across the floor, and she quietly tiptoes out of the bedroom, pausing at the door to observe her snoozing colleague for a moment before stepping into the hallway and shutting it softly behind her.

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Olivia is very relieved that Amanda ends up sleeping soundly for the next few hours, the detective sorely in need of some uninterrupted sleep, and decides to take the opportunity to get some things accomplished now that she has some time to herself and doesn't have another person wrapped around her body, clinging onto her for dear life.

After washing out the soiled trashcan, Olivia cleans up the huge mess she had left in the kitchen earlier that day before settling down on the couch with her laptop and the plate of Chinese food she still has yet to consume. As she lifts a forkful of white rice and soy sauce to her lips, she suddenly recalls Amanda's previous comment about maggots and her nose wrinkles in distaste, instantly chastising herself and rolling her eyes as she forces the food into her mouth and swallows thickly, very intent on ignoring the hint of nausea that she feels.

After choking down her meal, Olivia turns the TV on and finds a lighthearted movie, letting it play on a low volume in the background while she works on her computer, as there are still many aspects of their current case to attend to, following the death of their suspect that morning. Despite the horrific nature of the work, Olivia becomes completely zoned into what she is doing, relaxing further into the soft couch cushions as she concentrates on the screen, glasses perched on her nose and feet propped up comfortably on the coffee table in front of her.

 _"OLIVIA!"_

She practically drops her laptop on the floor as her name is suddenly screamed out into the quiet apartment, the noise echoing loudly throughout her co-worker's home, and Olivia is on her feet in the next instant, sprinting from the room. She is terrified at what she will find, fully expecting to come across the same scene she had during the night, Amanda slumped onto the bathroom floor with blood staining her pajamas. The younger woman is still in her bedroom, however, perched unsteadily on the edge of the mattress and clearly very disoriented, although Olivia suspects it is a nightmare that is tormenting the detective this time and not the drugs, as it has been several hours since she's had any medication.

"Olivia, I couldn't find you," Amanda moans in a panic, squinting up at her and blinking in the sudden brightness when Olivia turns on the lamp that is sitting on the nightstand, the other woman lifting a shaking arm up to shade her eyes with her hand.

"I'm right here, honey," she assures her colleague, bending down so they are face to face, and she is caught by complete surprise again when Amanda begins sliding off the bed and onto the floor, her knees buckling as if she can't remain upright anymore.

"Whoa, there!" Olivia gasps in dismay, reaching out quickly to catch the smaller woman and finding herself kneeling on the ground with Amanda straddling her lap, the detective's arms looping around her neck and legs wrapping around her waist, fingers winding their way into her dark hair to clutch at the thick tresses. "Be careful, honey. It's okay, I've got you."

She is beginning to think that trying to keep Amanda safe in her own apartment is a full-time job in itself, and is wondering if she should have just remained in the bedroom with her colleague while the younger woman slept, instead of retreating to the kitchen and living room to go about her own business, a wave of guilt swamping her.

"Liv, I'm sorry he made you leave," Amanda is mumbling incoherently against her neck, and Olivia frowns in confusion, rocking the other woman back and forth soothingly, her co-worker trembling vigorously in her embrace. "He made you leave me here all alone. I hate when he makes people leave."

"Honey, nobody made me go anywhere," she assures the small detective, swiping a gentle hand through the mess of blonde hair that is resting against her shoulder and spilling down her arm, and she peers down to try and get a look at Amanda's face. "I think you're just having a bad dream. I was just out in the living room, doing some work. Remember when I told you that I was going to clean up the kitchen after you fell asleep? Well, I stayed out there to get some other stuff done, but I should have come back in here with you. I'm sorry about that."

"No, you left," Amanda mutters in confusion, her breath coming out in quick, harsh pants. "But I know it wasn't your fault. He made you leave, just like my father did."

"Amanda, listen to what I'm telling you, please," Olivia says softly, grasping gently onto the smaller woman's shoulders and easing the detective away from her body so they are looking each other in the eye now. "I haven't gone anywhere, honey. I've been here the whole time. Nobody made me go anywhere, and I wouldn't leave, even if someone tried to make me. I promised you that I wouldn't leave you alone during your recovery, remember?"

Amanda sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, head tilted to the side as she regards Olivia in a perplexed manner, as if trying to determine what is real and what isn't. Finally she nods slowly, realization of where she is and what is happening appearing to dawn on her, and the younger woman carefully unwinds her arms from Olivia's neck and unwraps her legs from around her waist, easing off of her lap and creeping away from her as in shame. Olivia figures Amanda is fully awake now and harsh reality has slammed back into her with the force of a train, as the drugs have likely worn off by this point and the blue eyes that are staring so hard into her own brown ones are becoming more clear with every passing second, any lingering traces of sleep and medication disappearing from the intense gaze.

"Sorry, Liv," Amanda murmurs, a bright red flush creeping across her cheeks as she tries to scoot away from her on the floor, but Olivia reaches out to halt the other woman's progress, watching as Amanda winces with the painful movements of trying to escape.

"You don't have to do that," Olivia says softly, her hand lightly squeezing the detective's forearm. "You don't have to pull away. Don't shut down on me, okay? Talk to me, honey. What were you dreaming about?"

Amanda turns her head to the side, obviously trying to avoid Olivia's deep and penetrating gaze, and she reaches out to gently grasp onto the younger woman's chin, guiding her head back around so they are looking at one another again. "You don't have to be embarrassed," she assures her colleague quietly. "I think it's very normal to be having nightmares after everything you've been through."

Olivia pauses briefly, gratified to see that Amanda is still looking back at her and is now sitting completely still, apparently having decided to stop trying to flee the immediate area, at least for the time being. "Who were you talking about, honey?" she asks in a hushed tone. "You said someone made me leave. Who was it?"

She is not really expecting an answer and her eyebrows fly up in surprise when Amanda actually opens her mouth to speak, the name "Richard" falling softly from between the detective's parted lips.

"Okay," Olivia replies as she continues to regard Amanda intently, her thumb stroking soothingly back and forth against the other woman's hand. "Can you tell me who Richard is?"

Amanda stares at her, unshed tears swimming in her big blue eyes, frowning and blinking rapidly for a moment as if trying to rid herself of the offensive liquid. "He was my mother's boyfriend," she whispers hesitantly.

Olivia nods encouragingly and squeezes the smaller woman's hand, urging her to keep speaking.

"He died in prison a long time ago," Amanda says, her tone still so low that Olivia has to lean forward to hear her better. "I don't know why I still dream about someone who isn't even alive anymore."

"I dream about people who aren't alive anymore," Olivia assures her quietly, and they look at each other in silence for several seconds before she decides to voice her next question."Why was he in prison?"

"Because of what he did to me," Amanda answers softly after a slight pause, and Olivia shifts forward on the floor so that her knees are touching the younger woman's, needing to keep the physical connection between them while her colleague talks.

"What did he do to you, honey?" she asks gently, her hand coming up to feather the detective's long hair away from her face, a small part of her afraid to hear the answer.

"The better question is, what _didn't_ he do to me?" Amanda answers flatly, and Olivia closes her eyes momentarily, her heart sinking in her chest at her colleague's gingerly spoken words. "He was very abusive, Liv...in every sense of the word."

"Oh, Amanda. I'm so sorry." There are a million scenarios flying through her head now, each one worse than the last, and she tries desperately to calm her racing thoughts, choosing instead to focus on the fact that they are both hunched over on the cold, hard floor instead of being tucked up in the warm, soft bed.

"Come on," Olivia says tenderly, wrapping her arms around the slim, shivering form of her co-worker and helping her slowly to her feet, listening as Amanda sucks in a sharp mouthful of air and expels it with a slight whimper. "Let's get you tucked back into bed."

She decides that she won't even bring up the topic of medication, recalling how adamant Amanda had been on not taking any more drugs, and Olivia knows that she needs to respect the other woman's wishes, no matter how much it is breaking her heart to listen to the little gasps of pain and harsh inhales and exhales of breath as they get settled side by side beneath the blankets. She waits patiently for Amanda to start speaking again, hoping the detective will be able to get everything that is tormenting her out into the open, even though it hurts so much to hear. Olivia knows that this is what the smaller woman needs, though; someone who will listen to her and bear witness to the agony she had experienced in the past and is still going through now, and she is hopeful that Amanda will continue to talk when she feels a small, clammy hand slip into her own underneath the covers. She laces their fingers together and squeezes gently, Amanda shifting subtly closer to her in the bed.

"Liv, I'm starting to remember more of our conversations from last night," the younger woman says softly, turning her head on the pillow so that she and Olivia are looking at each other instead of staring up at the dim, shadowy ceiling. "I know it must have sounded pretty stupid when I was talking about the monster in my closet."

"It didn't," Olivia tells her, giving the detective's hand another squeeze, but she feels a sharp stab of guilt when she recalls that her first inclination had been to laugh at the other woman's mention of the monsters, briefly thinking that they were nothing more than some ridiculous drug-induced fantasy.

"You were right when you said that it's a normal childhood fear," Amanda continues in a whispered tone. "There wasn't really a monster in my closet when I was a kid, even though I was so convinced that there was." The smaller woman swallows audibly before she speaks again. "The monster wasn't in my closet until I was in my last year of high school."

"What?" Olivia replies, frowning in confusion at the blonde detective. "What do you mean?"

"Richard..." Amanda trails off for a long moment, seemingly lost in thought as her gaze drifts up toward the ceiling again and then back down to fix on Olivia's compassionate dark eyes. "He was a very strange guy, Liv. Extremely intense and controlling; the oddest and most terrifying man I have ever known. He moved in with us as soon as my dad left and he started doing really bizarre things almost right away. He had some really weird habits."

"What kind of habits?" Olivia asks warily, her stomach muscles clenching in nervous anticipation as she awaits an answer.

"Sometimes he would hide in our closet before we went to bed, to make sure Kim and I didn't sneak out of our bedroom window to meet boys during the night." There is another brief pause. "And other times he would stand in the closet in the bathroom while we took showers. He liked to watch us, spy on us; because he was always convinced that were doing something wrong and he had to keep an eye on us at all times to make sure we were behaving. At first we didn't even know he was doing it and when we caught him in the act, he told us that it was a very normal thing for a father to do that; that he was just making sure his daughters were being good girls."

Olivia listens to the deep sigh that Amanda releases and moves her hand up to the smaller woman's forearm, rubbing gently when she continues speaking. "I was horrified after he said it; that not only was this disgusting creep watching our every move but he actually considered us to be his daughters when he had only just started officially dating our mother. He would insist over and over again that he was our father, even though our real dad was out there somewhere, too caught up in gambling his life savings away to realize what was happening to his kids; that the man who had moved into our house to take his place was not acting like a father at all and was slowly taking over our lives, the abuse escalating in intensity, from emotional to physical to..."

Amanda trails off again, emitting another exhausted sigh. "That was the first time he became physical with us, right after we found out what he was doing; that he was literally stalking us in our own home. I told him in no uncertain terms that he was a disgusting pig and he would never be our father, but it was what Kim said that really set him off."

"What did she say?" Olivia whispers in a hushed tone, and her heart is beating sickeningly in her chest now when she sees the expression of immense sorrow on the younger woman's face.

Amanda rubs a weary hand over her forehead, eyelids fluttering closed when she speaks, long lashes coming to rest against pale cheeks. "My sister was a strange one too, Liv, in her own way. She had a lot of problems even before Richard came into our lives, and she actually thought it was funny when we found out that he had been creeping around, hiding in closets and spying on us."

The detective shakes her head in consternation, eyes remaining closed like it is too much for her to keep them open while she talks. "It made me furious but oddly enough, it made her laugh. She never took anything seriously and she jokingly asked him why he was dating our mother when he was clearly gay; kidding around that he had just come out of the closet. She didn't mean anything by it. Kim was just young and silly and immature and she didn't understand how serious this was. Looking back now, I think she used humor as a defense mechanism to shield herself from harsh reality, but it was the wrong thing to say to Richard. We very quickly learned that joking with him was never allowed."

"What did he do, honey?" Olivia questions softly, stroking her fingertips lightly over Amanda's cheek to get the other woman to open her eyes again.

When they lock gazes once more, the stark anguish residing in the small detective's blue eyes is enough to take her breath away, and Olivia slides impossibly closer to her colleague on the bed, wrapping one arm carefully around her ribs to bring Amanda as much comfort as she possibly can.

"He smacked her so hard across the face that she fell on the floor," the younger woman murmurs. "I was so stunned at first, I didn't know what to do. I was just frozen in my tracks, but then I heard Kim crying and I did the only thing I could think of." Amanda stops talking briefly, biting down hard on her lower lip before continuing. "I hit him back. I wanted to defend my sister, but I ended up flat out on the floor right next to her. And after that, I never got a break from it because he never forgave me for doing to him what he did to her. I resolved right then and there to do everything I could to save her, no matter what it was..."

"Oh, honey." Olivia's heart is breaking and she blinks rapidly to hold back a sudden onslaught of tears, utterly horrified for what her detective had gone through in her youth, picturing a small blonde teenager standing up to this brutal man and bravely fighting back to protect her younger sister. "Where was your mother in all of this?"

"She was there," Amanda replies quietly, and Olivia can hear the other woman's breath catch in her throat with this admission. "I'm not sure if she knew what was happening at first, but after Richard got physical with us and he turned all of his anger on me, it became obvious that I was being hurt on a regular basis by the man that she had allowed into our home, so easily letting him take the place of our real father."

Amanda's intense gaze is burning brightly with unshed tears as her eyes lock onto Olivia's again. "She was the worst monster of them all, Liv. My mother knew something bad was happening and she didn't do anything to stop it."


	8. Chapter 8

**Trigger warnings for discussions of physical violence in this chapter.**

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Olivia is quiet for a long moment, trying to digest the new information that her colleague has just shared with her and she swears that she can feel an actual physical pain residing inside of her chest now, after learning of only a small portion of the hell that Amanda had experienced when she was younger. Her heart feels shattered with the latest revelation that the detective has uttered; that her mother had actually stood back and done nothing to protect her daughters, even though she had known full well what was happening.

This is certainly not the first time Olivia has encountered this kind of despicable behavior; parents looking the other way while their children suffer unimaginable abuse and torment. She has come across this heartbreaking issue more times than she cares to count in her line of work, as it is just something that seems to come with the territory; being exposed to the absolute worst of the worst that humanity has to offer and somehow being able to put it all behind her and carry on to the next horrific case that awaits she and her team. There is no other way to handle situations like this if she wants to keep her job; as the leader of the Special Victims Unit she cannot afford to fall apart on a daily basis and needs to remain strong for both her squad members and the people they try their best to help.

Olivia can feel it slowly chipping away at her as time goes on, though; that after almost two decades in this unit and having seen the vast variety of ways that people choose to inflict harm upon each other, there are small pieces of her soul that seem to have gone missing, only to be replaced by an everlasting sadness that dwells deep within her, the knowledge that no matter how much good they do at the precinct, there will always be those they cannot save.

It hurts her on a level she hasn't expected, after learning that Amanda had been one of those victims that had fallen through the cracks; that she hadn't been able to be saved before the worst had happened, and that the younger woman had suffered so much before they had met. Olivia has to steel herself for what is to come, though, as she is aware that there is much more that hasn't been said; that Amanda likely has an ocean of anguish hidden inside of her that desperately needs to come out, and she resolves to listen to whatever the detective has to say without showing too much of her own emotion because she knows that her colleague needs her to be strong right now.

That innate protective instinct and the need to provide as much comfort as she possibly can has risen to the surface once again, and Olivia is a bit taken aback by her depth of feeling on what is occurring; at just how much she identifies with Amanda, even though their experiences have been so different. They had both been forced to endure much more than they ever should have in their youth as well as in their adulthood, and Olivia tightens her hold around the other woman's ribs, careful to keep her arm between Amanda's stab wounds, as she doesn't wish to inflict any more pain on her colleague than what she has already been made to go through.

She is pulled from her reverie when she realizes that Amanda has begun speaking again after pausing for a lengthy amount of time, likely to gather herself before continuing. "Sometimes I think I'm a monster too, Liv," the younger woman is saying in a hushed tone. "What if the worst monster isn't the one who looks away while it's happening, but the one who just gives up and goes along with it?"

Olivia frowns deeply at this quietly spoken question and she has to blink back a wave of tears, the physical pain that has begun blooming inside her chest only seeming to grow even stronger at these softly uttered words. "Amanda, you are _not_ a monster," she says sternly in response, immediately lowering her voice to a more gentle tone when she feels the other woman flinch sharply in her embrace. "And you did _not_ give up. From what you've told me so far, you did the complete opposite of that; you fought like hell for your sister, doing everything you could to save her from that terrible, violent man. What happened is not on you, honey. It's on him, and the other adults in your life who were supposed to be there for you and protect you. You were still a child yourself at the time."

"I was a senior in high school, Liv," Amanda murmurs, a hint of shame in her tone. "I was close to graduating when Richard came into our lives. I should have done more. I _could_ have done more."

"Honey, please stop," Olivia chides softly, stroking a tender hand through the smaller woman's unruly blonde hair. "You're only torturing yourself and I think you've been through more than enough, without putting the blame on yourself. Leave the blame exactly where it belongs; on _him_. And on your parents, who did nothing to stop it."

Olivia has to swallow down a wave of rage when she thinks of her colleague's mother just sitting back and doing nothing, and her father vacating the premises altogether, while this brutal man had been free to do whatever he chose to see fit with the two vulnerable teenagers he had under his control. As much as it bothers her when they come across this problem at the precinct, it is much harder to accept when it is one of her own who is revealing this disturbing information to her, the smaller woman lying injured and broken in her arms, barely able to keep herself together while the confessions of her youth come tumbling out into the open.

"I was so angry at my father for a long time after he left," Amanda says, following another lengthy moment of silence between them. "It took a long time for the anger to fade away, but it finally did. Now there's just this lingering sense of disappointment and sadness, that he wasn't the man I thought he was."

Olivia doesn't say anything, just choosing to let Amanda keep talking, but her heart is aching for the detective lying in her arms, and she pulls the younger woman closer to her as she continues to speak.

"There's a small part of me that understands him, though; to a certain degree anyway," the detective admits in a soft voice. "I understand that pull of addiction all too well. There was a time when I don't think I could have stopped gambling for anyone or anything. I just wish he could have stopped for the sake of his children, though."

Amanda pauses and heaves a deep sigh. "I choose to believe that he would have, if he had known what was going to happen; if he could have seen the future. But of course, I will never know that for sure. The gambling just took over his entire life. It surpassed everyone and everything, totally obliterating anything in its path, even the love for his kids, it seemed. Nothing was more important. I didn't understand that feeling until it happened to me too; how it can become your entire life until nothing else matters. For that reason, I don't think I can ever hate him for what he did; for leaving us that way. I try to remember the good times we had, when I feel overwhelmed by the bad."

"You and your dad were pretty close before he left, huh?" Olivia asks quietly, smoothing a hand through Amanda's hair again, wanting to bring the other woman comfort in any way that she possibly can.

"We were very close when I was younger," Amanda replies, her eyelids fluttering shut as Olivia continues her gentle ministrations. "Not as much as I got older because I had my own stuff going on; friends and dating and school, and his gambling was getting more and more out of control, causing him to leave the house at all hours of the day and night to get his fix. But when I was young, we were the best of friends. He was the greatest daddy in the world and I was his little Mandy."

Amanda's voice breaks slightly as she stops talking abruptly, a tear squeezing through her tightly closed eyelids and clinging to her lower lashes. Olivia wipes it away with the pad of her thumb and strokes the back of knuckles over the smaller woman's cheekbone, wondering if she should put a halt to this painful conversation or let her colleague finally get everything out into the open so that it stops eating her up inside.

Amanda solves that dilemma for her when she opens her mouth to keep speaking, and Olivia's eyebrows raise slightly in surprise as she had been expecting the other woman to decide that she was done with this discussion for the night. "I know parents aren't supposed to pick favorites, but I was his. He never said as much, but I could tell. He and Kim were always fighting; she was constantly mouthing off to him and being a brat, but he and I got along really well. We had a lot in common; we would go fishing and play baseball and go for jogs."

There is a slight pause and Olivia gazes down at the younger woman, watching as Amanda frowns deeply while her eyes remain tightly shut. "We had too much in common, it turns out, since I developed the same addiction he had. A chip off the old block, huh? But he was my favorite parent. My mom and I never got along. I was always too athletic and wanted to play in the dirt with the boys instead of playing dolls with the girls. I was never girly or dainty enough for her, and she always loved Kim more because of that."

Olivia sees the hurt radiating from the other woman's expression and she seeks to soothe again, running her fingertips over Amanda's furrowed brow but choosing to remain silent so that the detective will continue speaking. "My mom and Kim were cut from the same cloth. Neither of them have ever been very independent, like my dad and I were. They've always wanted other people to take care of them; they've never been able to fend for themselves. That's why Richard moved in right away, as soon as my dad left. My mom was over the moon with joy, going on and on about how she had finally found a man who treated her right and had a decent job; someone who didn't gamble all her money away."

Olivia can sense a shift in the mood of the room when Amanda begins talking about Richard, observing the pinched expression on her face and feeling the tension coiled firmly within her body. "My mom only saw the parts of Richard that she wanted to see; the handsome man and the hard worker. I think she was in denial about what was happening behind closed doors in our house, but she knew, Liv. She definitely knew. I could see it in the way she looked at me; the knowledge that something bad was going on but that she wasn't going to lift a finger to put a stop to it. Richard may have been treating her right, but he sure as hell wasn't doing right by her kids."

Amanda opens her eyes to stare up at her, and they are a vast sea of emotion, Olivia's breath catching in her throat at the raw intensity of the other woman's appearance. "Richard was a very smart and careful man. He didn't lose control very often, after the first time he hit us, and he knew how to hurt us where the bruises wouldn't show; knew just what to say to make us terrified for our lives. I took the brunt of it because he never forgave me for hitting him back after he had hit Kim, and because every time it looked like he was going to hurt my sister instead, I would do something to antagonize him; to turn his wrath my way so he didn't inflict it on her."

Amanda's eyes are locked intently onto Olivia's as she takes a deep, shuddering breath and continues unburdening herself, Olivia nodding at her in encouragement to keep going. "He threatened to kill us if we told our mother; if we showed her the bruises. It was bad enough when she was at home because he had these subtle ways to manipulate and control us, even if her presence; but when she wasn't there, it was absolute hell. He had free reign of the house and he did as he pleased. I was nearing the end of high school and was desperate to graduate and get the hell out of that town. I started being scared to leave the house, though, because it would mean leaving Kim there to fend for herself. And he had gotten very controlling about what we were and were not allowed to do. If we bent the rules even a little bit, there was hell to pay. One time he even chased us through the house with a knife, when we didn't do as we were told."

Olivia's heart seizes in her chest with this revelation, and her thoughts are immediately catapulted back to Friday afternoon when their suspect had come bursting out of the backyard shed with the butcher knife raised high, knocking Amanda forcefully to ground while her gun had skittered away across the grass, the brutal man throwing himself on top of the small detective and lashing out wildly with the weapon before anyone could stop him. She realizes now that this was the ultimate trigger that has set everything into motion; that the drugs have only been playing a small part in the horrific memories that have risen back to the surface after all of these years, but that it had been the attack itself that had reminded Amanda of the past, the shocking violence of their suspect mirroring what had happened with her mother's boyfriend.

"Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry," Olivia murmurs with feeling, the tightness in her chest refusing to loosen even a little bit, and she finds it hard to draw a deep breath. "I'm sorry we couldn't pull you away from our suspect in time; before he did so much damage, both physically and..."

She trails off before she can add 'emotionally' because Amanda is now gripping onto her hand with a surprising strength and staring at her with a fierce expression fixed on her face. "Olivia, don't do that," the younger woman says heatedly. "Don't you dare blame yourself for what happened. You and Fin and Carisi saved my life. If it hadn't been for the three of you, I wouldn't be here right now."

Amanda stops speaking abruptly, her voice choked with emotion, and Olivia has to look away for a moment, as the other woman's gaze is so intense, she feels like she is being pulled apart at the seams and is in danger of shattering entirely to pieces when she is supposed to be the strong one, giving Amanda a safe place to fall apart while she holds the detective together.

"You guys are my family, Olivia," Amanda says, her voice much softer when she speaks again, and Olivia feels another squeeze of the younger woman's hand around her fingers. "My _real_ family. And because of you, I'm alive today. So please don't blame yourself for what happened, okay?"

Olivia nods slowly, her throat feeling much too tight to respond verbally, and the thoughts are whirling around in her brain in a dizzying kaleidoscope of colors now; the violent scene she had witnessed in person on Friday and the imagined scenes from what Amanda has revealed about her youth, the other woman having been much more open about her personal life in the past few minutes than in the past few years combined.

She can't seem to rid herself of the image of a small blonde teenager doing everything she can to save her sister from the torment of an evil man, and the physical ache residing inside Olivia's chest only grows stronger because she knows there is so much more that Amanda hasn't yet said.

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Olivia comes to with a start, eyes flying wide open in alarm and glancing in bewilderment around the darkened bedroom, wondering what has stirred her from such a deep sleep. This time she instantly remembers where she is, despite the cobwebs of slumber that are clinging stubbornly onto her, realizing right away that she is in Amanda's bed and is still wearing the shirt and jeans she had dressed in hours ago. The younger woman is no longer tucked right up against her side, Olivia's arms now empty when she had been cradling the detective in her secure embrace as they had both fallen asleep right in the middle of the conversation they had been having earlier.

Another quick glance around the room confirms that it is nowhere close to morning, the inky blackness of the night interrupted by a sliver of moonlight peeking in through the window, Olivia having forgotten to close the blinds once again. The slight amount of brightness shining in through the glass is just enough to illuminate the silhouette of her colleague, Amanda perched on the side of the mattress with her back turned away from Olivia, seemingly poised on the edge like she is about to somehow make a run for it in her injured and weakened state.

Olivia softly calls her co-worker's name, not wanting to startle the other woman as she is unsure of exactly what is going on, although she suspects that Amanda is being tormented by yet another nightmare.

The blonde detective doesn't verbally reply to the sound of Olivia's voice, although she lets out a small whimper in response, and Olivia shifts very slowly across the sheets, remaining flat out on her back and careful to keep her movements unhurried, as she does not want to frighten Amanda. She continues moving until she is positioned directly behind her colleague, Amanda's body hunched over at the edge of the bed and her head bowed forward, and Olivia raises herself up on one elbow, lifting her other arm into the air so that her fingers make the briefest of contact with the younger woman's back, swiping gingerly down Amanda's spine.

The detective lets out another whimper and Olivia feels the small form stiffen and jerk at her touch, so she quickly withdraws her hand and raises herself up further on her elbow so that she is in a partial sitting position on the bed now. "Amanda, honey," she says in a very gentle tone of voice. "I think you're having a bad dream. Do you know where you are right now?"

There is a long moment of silence and Olivia isn't sure if she is going to receive an answer when the other woman suddenly whispers, "With him."

"With who, honey?" Olivia asks softly, straining to hear Amanda's very low voice as her colleague is still turned away from her, but she has a feeling she already knows what is going to be said next.

"With Richard," Amanda replies quietly, and Olivia's heart clenches in her chest as she struggles to pull herself into a full sitting position without shaking the mattress too much and alarming the younger woman even further in the process, thereby prompting her to try and flee the room. "He's hurting me. It hurts so much. I'm in pain."

"Amanda, listen to me, okay?" Olivia replies soothingly as she settles herself right behind the blonde detective, taking the chance and running her hand very gently over Amanda's back again, relieved when her co-worker doesn't pull away this time. "Richard isn't here. Remember you told me that he passed away a long time ago? And you're in pain because you got hurt at work and you haven't taken any medication for a long time now; not because he's doing anything to you. You're safe with me in your own bed."

Olivia is ghosting her fingertips over Amanda's shoulders and down her arms, keeping her touch very light as she does not want to frighten or injure the other woman any more than she already is, softly urging the detective to turn around and look at her. Even though Amanda has not gone into more specific detail about the abuse beyond some of the physical and emotional aspects, she has alluded to something else taking place, and Olivia is worried that her co-worker is stuck there right now, reliving some of her worst moments with the brutal, violent man in her nightmare.

She says Amanda's name louder, trying to snap the smaller woman out of her dream state and back into reality, very slowly easing each of her legs beside Amanda's so that they are hanging down over the edge of the mattress, their thighs and calves pressed gently against one another and the detective's back resting on Olivia's chest. She slides her arms carefully over Amanda's sides and loops them tenderly around her ribs, softly anchoring the other woman to her body so that she doesn't slip off the bed and hurt herself, murmuring soothingly into her ear and making sure to tell Amanda exactly what she is doing before she does it, when the detective begins to struggle in her embrace.

"It's just me, it's just Olivia," she whispers, leaning her head down to rest her chin on Amanda's shoulder and feeling the sudden intense shivering of the small body in her arms. "Don't run away, honey, okay? You need to be very careful so you don't rip your stitches. Why don't you come and lay back down with me, alright? Do you want me to help you get tucked back in?"

She feels Amanda shake her head, long blonde hair swiping against Olivia's cheek, and she turns her face toward the other woman, trying to get a glimpse of her expression in the moonlight. "You don't want me to tuck you back in?" she asks quietly.

Amanda shakes her head again, letting out another soft whimper in response, and Olivia expels a slight breath of air, her heart aching in her chest. "Why not, honey?"

"I don't want to lie down with him," the small detective whispers, her fingernails digging sharply into the arms that are wrapped around her body, and Olivia winces and mutters a quick curse before she can stop herself, fighting the urge to pull away as Amanda's nails rake very hard across her pajama shirt, piercing into the skin beneath.

"Hey, it's okay," she replies softly, rocking the quivering form in her arms to try and calm Amanda down. "He's not in your bed, alright? It's just me here. You need to wake up now, honey. You're still stuck in your dream world there, and I need you to come back now."

"It hurts," Amanda moans, her voice louder now, and Olivia closes her eyes while swallowing against the lump in her throat.

"I know it hurts. That's why you need to lie back down, okay? And maybe take some more pain medication. I think you've been moving around a little too much and it's aggravating your injuries." Olivia's arms tighten instinctively around the other woman as Amanda again struggles to pull away from her, fingernails scratching across her shirt sleeves in a panicked manner once more, and she loosens her embrace before letting go entirely, not wanting the detective to feel trapped.

She watches as Amanda gets up from the bed on wobbly legs and totters a few steps away before turning around so that they are facing each other, the younger woman's hands braced against her stomach and a pained expression on her face, and Olivia guesses that the stab wound hidden beneath her shirt is really bothering her from all of the unnecessary movement. She looks up at Amanda, observing the small detective closely, but chooses to stay put on the edge of the mattress as she doesn't want her co-worker to feel threatened in any way.

"Amanda, come back to bed, honey," Olivia urges softly, holding out an arm to the other woman in a welcoming gesture but keeping the rest of her body entirely still when Amanda takes another step away from her, a wary expression on her face now.

"Help me, Liv," the younger woman suddenly whispers in confusion, her words pleading but her body poised to run, and Olivia leans forward on the bed, reaching out even further with her arm.

"I'm trying to help you, Amanda," she replies gently, relieved to hear her name being spoken and watching the detective's body language very closely to try and ascertain whether or not Amanda has fully escaped from her nightmare and is firmly entrenched in reality once again. "Are you awake now?"

Amanda nods slowly and sucks in a harsh breath, her chin trembling as if she is trying not to burst into tears. "Take my hand, honey. It's okay," Olivia soothes, keeping her arm patiently extended toward the other woman. "Richard isn't in the bed. You were just having a bad dream. It's okay to come back."

Amanda takes a hesitant step toward the bed and Olivia smiles encouragingly, another wave of relief washing over her when the younger woman places a small, sweaty hand within her own. She tugs very gently until Amanda is standing between her knees and for a brief moment Olivia thinks the smaller woman's legs are going to give out and she is going to end up sprawled right across her lap. She holds out her hands to steady the trembling body in front of her, fingers coming to rest lightly on each of Amanda's hips, the detective taking in a big gulp of air before gazing down at her with large blue eyes that shimmer slightly in the moonlight, unshed tears gathered on her long lashes.

"Sorry about that, Liv," she says softly. "I thought you were someone else...in another time and place. That nightmare was pretty bad."

"It's okay," Olivia assures her quietly, taking her hands from Amanda's hips and rubbing them up and down the other woman's arms. "Do you want to get back into bed? It looks like the pain is getting pretty bad again."

"I don't want any more drugs," Amanda replies, her voice sounding much more firm now, and it is obvious that she is fully awake and free from her dream world. "The nightmares are bad enough without them. The meds just make it even worse."

"Alright, honey," Olivia sighs, giving Amanda's arms a gentle squeeze. "I'm not going to keep asking you but please don't let things get too out of hand. I know you're suffering. To be honest, it really hurts me to see you go through this."

She watches Amanda's expression soften, the younger woman reaching up to swipe a strand of dark hair away from Olivia's face and tuck it behind her ear, and she grasps onto the detective's hand, giving another slight tug. "Come and lie down, Amanda. You look like you're going to fall over."

As if proving her point, Amanda falters on shuddering legs and seems to lose her footing while clumsily attempting to climb back onto the bed next to Olivia, and she springs quickly to her feet to help her colleague get tucked back in beneath the blankets, making sure she is comfortable before lying down beside her. They are quiet for a few minutes, Amanda's slightly labored breathing the only sound in the room, and Olivia slides her hand down a goosebumped arm, lacing her fingers together with the clammy ones that are resting on the sheet next to her and swiping her thumb lightly back and forth against the back of the small hand that is tangled within her own.

"You doing okay there?" she murmurs in concern, turning her head on the pillow to look over at Amanda, the blonde detective starting up at the ceiling and not meeting her gaze. "That was a pretty bad dream, huh?"

Amanda nods in response and her face crumples slightly, biting down very hard on her lower lip as if she is desperate to keep the tears at bay. Olivia rolls over onto her side and bends her arm, elbow braced on the pillow and head propped up in her hand, stroking blonde hair back from a puckered forehead and furrowed brow.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asks quietly, watching the small shrug of the other woman's shoulders.

"I don't know if I can," Amanda whispers in a hushed tone.

"Just take your time," Olivia says softly. "You said you thought I was Richard; that he was in the bed with you. Why did you think that, honey?"

"You know why," Amanda responds, starting to sound a little irritated now. "I was having a nightmare about him."

"But why were you having _that_ particular nightmare?" Olivia prods gently, watching the play of emotions over the younger woman's face, Amanda apparently deciding on taking the angry route.

"Do I really need to spell it out for you, Olivia?" she snaps in return. "As a lieutenant of the Special Victims Unit, you must already know why I was having that kind of a dream."

"Okay, honey, I'm sorry," Olivia replies patiently, quickly blinking back the sudden tears that have welled up in her eyes because Amanda has pretty much just confirmed what she had already suspected, and her heart aches with the knowledge of what her co-worker had gone through in her youth. "I shouldn't have pushed you. That was wrong of me. We don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable, alright?"

Amanda declines to answer and is suddenly sitting straight up in the bed, little gasps of pain emitting from her throat as the younger woman begins crawling toward the edge of the mattress, climbing right over Olivia like she is not even laying there beside her, the gasps turning into a drawn-out moan as the pain is obviously becoming worse with the rapid movements.

"Hey, hey, what are you doing?" Olivia demands in alarm, bolting upright from her prone position and reaching out to grab Amanda under the arms as the small detective loses her balance and almost tumbles right onto the floor.

"Calm down right now, Amanda," she orders sternly as the younger woman struggles mightily within her embrace in her attempts to escape, grunting with the effort of trying to flee the distressing situation. "I'm not going to force you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, but you need to stop moving around so much unless a trip back to the emergency room is the plan for the rest of the night. You need to start being much more careful with yourself. You're going to rip your stitches right open."

The mention of a return trip to the hospital finally seems to penetrate through the panic and anxiety that their conversation has induced, and Amanda sags back against Olivia in exhaustion, her breathing sounding ragged and strained. Olivia rocks the smaller woman back and forth for a moment to help return her to calmer state of being, murmuring apologies for speaking to her so sharply, before letting go of the trembling body in front of her and shifting away on the bed to give Amanda some space.

The detective swivels her head around and fixes Olivia with a hurt and somewhat accusing look. "What are you doing?" she whispers, edging toward Olivia on the mattress, a deep frown marring her delicate features.

"I'm not going to touch you or make you talk about anything else, alright?" Olivia says in a neutral tone, holding her hands up in the air. "I will leave you completely alone, if that's what you want, but please stop trying to run, okay? I just don't want you to hurt yourself."

"But..." Amanda trails off, hovering uncertainly there on the bed, her injured and rumpled appearance lending her a fragile and vulnerable look, and Olivia is finding it hard to remain where she is, her back pressed up against the headboard as she watches Amanda with a wary, concerned gaze.

"But what?" she asks softly, her brow wrinkling slightly as she observes her colleague, Amanda seemingly quite torn on what to do with herself, appearing to be both craving and shunning the comfort that Olivia so desperately wants to give her.

"Nothing," the smaller woman mutters, glancing away and shrugging her shoulders, her head bowing down as if in shame.

"Amanda." Olivia leans forward and places a gentle hand on the detective's knee, trying to get her to look up and meet her gaze. "I'm just backing off because you're so upset, honey; not because I'm angry with you or I don't want to hold you. I don't want to do anything to scare you and I don't want your injuries to become worse. It was understandable that you wanted me to share the bed with you while you were on the medication because it was making you do and say things that you normally wouldn't, but if you've changed your mind now and want me to spend the rest of the night on the couch, just say the word and I will."

"Please stay," Amanda murmurs right away in an almost inaudible tone, still refusing to look Olivia in the eye. "Please don't leave me alone."

"Okay, then I won't," Olivia assures her quietly, giving Amanda's knee a slight squeeze. "We can just try to go back to sleep, if that's what you want. Or we can stay up and talk some more, like we were doing earlier. It's up to you."

Amanda doesn't answer her this time, instead reaching up to cover her face with her hands, small shoulders beginning to shake vigorously, and Olivia slides slowly over on the mattress until their legs are pressed together, her heart breaking as she observes the other woman's anguish.

"Oh, honey," she sighs quietly, grasping onto Amanda's forearms, her thumbs stroking back and forth across the detective's wrists, trying to get the younger woman to lower her hands away from her face. "Tell me what I can do to make things better for you. Tell me how I can help you. I hate seeing you go through this."

The only response she gets from Amanda is soft, tortured weeping.


	9. Chapter 9

Olivia is sitting on Amanda's bed with her arms wrapped around the small detective in front of her, legs encircling the trembling body and cheek resting against a bent blonde head, Amanda leaning into her embrace and weeping softly into her shoulder. The younger woman has not spoken for several minutes now; not since she had begged Olivia to stay with her, and the only sounds in the room are Amanda's heartbreaking cries and Olivia's quietly murmured assurances into her ear.

She knows that the physical and emotional pain are taking quite a toll on her colleague and feels a tinge of guilt for pushing a bit too hard to get Amanda to talk about her nightmare. The other woman has opened up more that night than she has in the past several years, sharing more about her personal life than she ever has since transferring to New York back in 2011, and Olivia thinks it might be a good idea to start backing off a bit since Amanda quite clearly needs a break.

Her heart is aching at the detective's obvious anguish and although she is not yet privy to the details, she now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that the abuse had gone beyond the emotional and the physical. Her thoughts stray briefly to what had happened with her colleague's deputy chief back in Atlanta and the realization that Amanda has been through this kind of thing more than once in her life is hitting Olivia very hard, her arms tightening protectively around the small woman in her embrace, aware that there is nothing she can do to change the past but that she can make Amanda feel safe and secure in the present.

"We don't have to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable," Olivia says quietly, repeating what she had said a few minutes prior. "We don't have to talk at all, if that's what you would prefer. But I want you to know that anything you say will stay between the two of us, okay? You can trust me, Amanda, I promise you that."

She feels the other woman nod against her shoulder and rubs a gentle hand up and down her back, fingertips tracing light designs over the flannel material of Amanda's pajama shirt. "I know that, Liv," the detective whispers, lifting her head up and fixing Olivia with watery, bloodshot blue eyes. "Thank you for being someone I can trust. And thank you for listening to me." There is a slight pause, Amanda's gaze straying away from her own and drifting down to her lap. "But I don't think I can talk anymore right now."

"That's okay," Olivia replies softly, a mixture of disappointment and relief coursing through her as she thinks Amanda might feel better to unburden herself even further but doesn't want to put any undue pressure on the smaller woman, feeling like she herself is becoming too emotional with the situation as she is having trouble containing her own tears that are pricking insistently at her eyelids. "Why don't we just try to go back to sleep, alright? There's plenty of time to continue this discussion in the morning, if that's what you want to do."

"Sounds good," Amanda mumbles, slowly pulling away and scooting backwards across the mattress, her mouth dragging down into a grimace at the painful movements, and Olivia notices that the detective is still avoiding her gaze. "I'm just going to use the bathroom. I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Do you need some help?" Olivia asks, frowning in concern and reaching out a hand to support the younger woman as she slips over the side of the bed and gets to her feet in the same wobbly, unbalanced fashion as earlier.

"I think I'm capable of taking care of business in there by myself, Liv," Amanda mutters dryly, rolling her eyes but still steadfastly refusing to meet Olivia's gaze.

There is something about Amanda's demeanor that is vaguely off-putting and has Olivia feeling slightly on edge with the situation but she remains where she is on the bed, watching the other woman walk away with an unsteady gait and listening to the small gasps of pain that the movements seem to elicit. She settles back against the pillows and crosses her arms over her chest, trying in vain to relax and push down the faint uneasiness that is swirling around inside of her.

Olivia doesn't feel okay with leaving Amanda alone for any length of time right now, the small detective clearly overcome with intense emotional and physical agony, the middle-of-the-night secrets of her colleague's youth seeming to hang in the air above the bed like something tangible that she can reach out and touch, but she knows Amanda needs her privacy at the moment and vows to keep an ear open for any sounds of distress emanating from the next room.

A few minutes later Olivia hears the tap being turned on and sighs in relief, figuring Amanda is close to finishing up and will be joining her in the bed again very shortly. She allows eyelids that are burning with fatigue to flutter closed, her head sinking further into the pillows, and struggles to remain awake long enough for Amanda to come back into the room. Despite her best efforts, Olivia feels the soothing arms of slumber wrapping themselves around her and dragging her beneath its velvety dark veil, the sound of running water in the bathroom dimming in her hearing until there is nothing at all.

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Olivia jerks awake, her eyes flying wide open in alarm when she realizes that she had let herself fall asleep before Amanda had returned to the bedroom. A quick glance at the clock shows that less than half an hour has passed since she had drifted off into a light slumber, but that she is still alone in the room, her colleague nowhere to be seen. Olivia yanks herself into a sitting position and struggles hurriedly to her feet, heart beginning to pound wildly in her chest because there has been more than enough time for Amanda to complete whatever she had gone into the bathroom to do but there is still no sign of the detective.

The bathroom door is tightly shut and the complete and utter silence permeating the entire apartment has the hair on the back of Olivia's neck standing on end, as the quiet has never sounded quite so deafening before. Cocking her head to the side to listen very carefully, she raises an arm to knock but can't catch even so much as an exhaled breath of air from the other side.

"Amanda?" she calls, rapping lightly on the door and trying to conceal her swiftly rising anxiety. "You've been in there for a long time now. Is everything okay?"

Olivia's question is met with yet more silence and the worry that has begun churning inside her gut is threatening to explode into an all-out panic, an incredible amount of guilt mixing in to make her feel even worse about the situation, chastising herself for giving into the exhaustion and falling asleep. She knocks and calls Amanda's name again, both actions louder this time, and when she still doesn't receive a response, Olivia cautiously turns the handle and eases the door open to peer inside, relieved to find it unlocked.

The first thing that catches her attention is the polka-dotted pajama shirt that is lying in a heap on the floor next to the matching pajama pants and a pair of underwear. She follows the trail of messily-shed clothing with a sharp, uneasy gaze until she raises her eyes to see Amanda sitting in the empty bathtub, her violently shivering body mostly hidden by the porcelain siding, blonde head bent forward and long hair partially obscuring her pinched and pale face.

Olivia's heart immediately seizes in her chest at the painful sight and she finds herself blinking back tears once again, a hand coming up to cover her mouth briefly as she witnesses the other woman's intense distress. Amanda's trauma seems to be having a very powerful affect on her and she finds herself overcome with emotion and trying to hold it all inside as she takes a tentative step toward the tub, careful to stay back far enough to give the other woman some semblance of privacy but needing to make sure that Amanda is okay.

"Honey, what's going on?" she asks softly. "What are you doing in there?"

She watches Amanda's shoulders hunch up to her ears in response but the detective doesn't verbally reply, so she takes another small step toward the tub. The younger woman's entire body appears stiff and on high alert, like she is anticipating an attack of some kind, and Olivia is not sure if Amanda is reacting negatively to her presence or to whatever is tormenting her in her own mind, so she makes sure to keep her distance, hands raising high into the air in a non-threatening gesture even though Amanda has yet to spare her with even so much as a glance.

"Were you trying to take a shower again?" Olivia asks gently, remembering that Amanda had attempted this dangerous act in her drug-induced state, but a little confused as to why she would be trying again now that the other woman is fully aware of her injuries and knows her limitations, common sense dictating that she should wait until she can actually stand up for longer than a few minutes at a time and is not covered in bandages.

Olivia is immensely relieved when Amanda gives a slight nod in answer to her question, the smaller woman at least choosing to acknowledge that she has company in the bathroom now, and Olivia is somewhat encouraged by this response. "Honey, do you remember that we talked about waiting a few days to take a shower? I know it's hard to wait if you're used to showering everyday, but you don't really have much of a choice right now."

"I just wanted to feel clean," Amanda mumbles, her gaze still directed down at her lap.

"I understand that, Amanda," Olivia replies patiently, slowly removing a towel from the rack without alarming the detective with her movements, as Amanda appears to be quite agitated at the moment. "I know you must not be feeling very clean right now, especially because you haven't been able to shower since before you were in the emergency room. I can help you wash off again, if you feel the need to do that right this second, but it's still too soon for you to be taking a shower."

"Washing off isn't good enough," Amanda whispers, finally turning her head and looking up to meet Olivia's gaze with anguished blue eyes that are glittering with unshed tears. "I need a shower to feel clean."

"That's not a good idea-" Olivia cuts herself off as she studies the other woman closely, finally catching on to what Amanda is actually talking about and mentally chastising herself for taking so long to understand the situation in her exhausted, sleep-deprived state.

"I could never shower afterwards, when I was younger," Amanda says softly, and there is a faraway look in her eyes now, like she is seeing someone or something that is not actually in the room with them. "Richard never left me alone long enough. He liked to watch everything I did, including that."

"Afterwards?" Olivia echoes in a low tone, and takes another hesitant step toward the tub with the towel clutched tightly in her hands, wanting nothing more than to wrap the younger woman up in the soft, warm material as she can see that Amanda is shuddering harder now, the detective's confessions breaking her heart.

"Every time I even think about him, I need to scrub myself clean until my skin is raw," Amanda continues on in the same low tone as if Olivia hasn't spoken. "I feel like my skin is crawling; like that feeling won't stop until I get clean. But now I can shower all I want because no one is spying on me while I do it."

Olivia feels an immediate spike of guilt as she listens to the other woman speak, the words piercing straight through to her heart as she stands there in front of the tub while Amanda sits stark naked on the cold porcelain surface, suddenly feeling like a voyeuristic intruder and having to assure herself that this is not even remotely close to the same situation that Amanda is describing from her youth.

"I was so intent on having a shower that I actually forgot I was covered in stitches and bandages until I got in here and the pain was so bad, I had to sit down," the small detective explains, blinking up at Olivia like she is coming out of a trance and seeming to realize for the first time that she doesn't have any clothes on, battered arms coming up to cross over her chest. "I just wanted to get clean, Liv. That's all I wanted."

Olivia watches as Amanda's mouth drags down on a sob and the sound that suddenly rips it's way out from her colleague's parted lips resembles that of a wounded animal, the hair standing straight up on the back of Olivia's neck once again as the noise seems to cut right through to her soul. She is highly tempted to climb over the side of the tub and get in there with the other woman to try and physically hold Amanda together while she breaks apart emotionally, and it takes everything she has to refrain from doing that, choosing to crouch down beside her on the floor instead.

She is not sure if Amanda wants to be touched right now, as the detective had seemed to go back and forth between accepting comfort and shunning it when they had been in the bedroom earlier, but decides to drape the towel over her trembling shoulder blades so the smaller woman doesn't feel so exposed. Olivia wants to again suggest that she help Amanda wash off in order for her to feel cleaner, but she doesn't think that solution going to be of much solace right now, and it would probably be best to just get her distraught co-worker tucked back into bed.

"I'm sorry you can't have a shower right now, honey," she says quietly, her hand hovering uncertainly in the air between them for a moment. "Amanda, is it okay if I touch you? I'm just going to help you out of there," she adds quickly, after hearing the ragged inhale of breath from the other woman.

Olivia watches as Amanda gives a consenting nod and she slowly leans forward into the tub, keeping her movements very deliberate so the detective doesn't feel afraid or unsafe in any way. "Put your arms around my neck," she instructs softly, wrapping her own arms around Amanda in return, relieved when the younger woman complies and doesn't try to pull away.

Olivia helps Amanda very calmly and carefully get to her feet, trying not to show that she is feeling the exact opposite right now, her thoughts and feelings racing out of control and her thundering heart rate threatening to betray how apprehensive she is about this whole situation, the sadness and alarm at finding her colleague huddled in the empty bathtub shredding her heart to pieces.

The next several minutes are completely silent again as Olivia sits Amanda down on the closed lid of the toilet, making sure to ask permission before lifting the towel out of the way to check on her wounds and then assisting the detective with putting her pajamas back on. Amanda has lapsed into utter quiet after the inhuman noise that had ripped itself from her throat earlier and she seems oddly serene now, like she has had the release she had needed, letting Olivia help her get redressed and tucked back into bed without complaint.

Olivia feels quite unsettled when they are situated side by side beneath the covers again, Amanda shifting in pain and grunting softly on the sheets next to her, and doesn't quite know where to go from here. The lack of sleep combined with the emotional roller coaster they have been riding is clearly taking its toll on both of them, Amanda not responding at all to Olivia's reminder to wake her up if she needs to get out of bed again or her offer to talk more about what had just happened in the bathroom.

Finally, Olivia allows her exhausted eyelids to flutter closed and is relieved to hear an answering snore when she whispers, "Goodnight," to Amanda.

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When Olivia awakens on Sunday morning, she is not surprised to find herself alone in the bed, Amanda apparently having chosen to get up and vacate the room yet again without asking for assistance, despite the extreme amount of pain the detective had been in when they had finally fallen asleep. She swings her legs over the side of the mattress with a deep sigh and plants both feet on the floor before standing up and stretching deeply, listening to a few of her joints pop. Olivia pads out of the bedroom, throwing a quick glance into the empty bathroom to ensure that Amanda is not sitting in the tub or sprawled out across the floor, before continuing into the living room.

What does take her by surprise, however, is the unexpected sight of her feisty co-worker sitting on the couch with the ridiculously giant teddy bear that Fin and Carisi had brought over the previous day as a present. Olivia stops short in her tracks with her eyebrows raised high as she takes in the scene before her, both Amanda and the stuffed animal tucked beneath a blanket and snuggled together on the cushions while cartoons play loudly on the television. The blonde detective has her head resting on the bear's shoulder and an arm wrapped around its fluffy middle, the other woman looking small and forlorn, purple bruises of fatigue standing out starkly below swollen blue eyes, long blonde hair rumpled and matted onto her head.

"I see you've made a new friend there," Olivia comments lightly, trying to keep the smirk off her face as she regards her colleague with a curious expression, not entirely sure if Amanda has recently popped some more pain pills, which would totally explain this situation, or if she has just chosen to completely let her guard down in front of Olivia now and is allowing this hidden, vulnerable part of herself to be exposed.

Amanda stares right back at her with obvious clarity and gives a derisive roll of her eyes, the younger woman's usual attitude on display, and Olivia can immediately tell that the detective is indeed sober at the moment and no longer at the mercy of the heavy narcotics. This only heightens her curiosity and she takes another step toward the couch, the sight of her tough colleague cuddled up with the bear proving to be both endearing and a little heartbreaking, especially since Amanda has made no move to pull herself away from the toy despite her boss standing right there in front of her. Olivia tries to keep her lips from twitching in amusement, as she is torn between bursting into laughter and the intense need to wrap the smaller woman up in her arms for a hug.

She decides not to mention the fact that Amanda had yet again gotten out of bed without waking her up, even though they have discussed this issue multiple times now, and figures it is just the younger woman's natural stubbornness coming into play, or perhaps some lingering memory loss from the drugs. Olivia knows that Amanda is just so used to doing things on her own at this point in her life and that it is very hard for her to admit when she needs help, even if it means possibly aggravating her injuries. She feels privileged to see this normally well-concealed side of her colleague, even though Amanda is still having trouble asking for assistance when she needs it, and she feels like they have definitely crossed over into true friendship now, after everything they have been through together in the past couple of days.

"Are you and your buddy enjoying the cartoons?" Olivia teases gently, taking a seat on the couch on the other side of the huge stuffed animal, grunting slightly as she squeezes herself into the very small space that is left over.

Amanda shrugs nonchalantly, keeping her gaze fixed firmly on the TV screen in front of her. "I was lonely," she says, her voice completely neutral, but there is a light pink blush of embarrassment spreading across both of her pale cheeks now.

"You could have woken me up," Olivia replies softly and decides to mirror the detective's current position, laying her head down on the teddy bear's other shoulder and stretching an arm across its fuzzy belly so that her hand meets Amanda's in the middle, their fingers brushing lightly together, and she has to admit that cuddling with the fluffy toy is actually quite comfortable.

"You've already done more than enough for me, Liv. You've gone way beyond the call of duty here," Amanda murmurs, but doesn't pull her hand away from Olivia's, instead seeming to relish in the tender physical contact.

"Remember when I told you there's no shame in asking for comfort?" Olivia reminds her colleague quietly, hearing a slight sigh in response and deciding to change tactics. "How's the pain doing today? Any better?"

"No, not really," Amanda acknowledges grudgingly.

"I suppose there's not much point in asking if you want any more pain medication, then?" Olivia questions lightly, already knowing exactly what the answer is going to be before Amanda even speaks.

"Nope, not much point," the younger woman agrees, and Olivia blows out an exasperated breath while trying to stifle the urge to roll her eyes.

They sit silently together on the couch for the next several minutes, the obnoxious cartoons that are playing on the television the only sound in the room, until Olivia starts to feel rather foolish sitting there hugging a giant stuffed bear with her injured colleague. She peers around the huge toy to try and get a glimpse of her co-worker's expression, Amanda appearing quite fragile and downcast in her polka-dotted pajamas, one of the many bandages peeking out of the collar of her shirt and mussed blonde hair obscuring part of her face.

"Would you like a hug from an actual human being instead of an inanimate object?" Olivia asks casually, tracing a gentle fingertip over Amanda's cold hand to divert the other woman's attention away from the TV.

Her question is met with another round of silence and Olivia's heart sinks, preparing to apologize for making her colleague uncomfortable, when Amanda raises her head to meet her gaze and mutters a hesitant, "Sure, Liv."

Olivia smiles in relief and removes the enormous stuffed animal from the cushions, placing it on the floor next to the coffee table before shifting over into the vacant spot in the middle of the couch and ducking underneath the blanket next to her co-worker. She holds out her arms in a welcoming gesture and Amanda sidles closer to her, leaning somewhat uncertainly against her body.

"Are you only hugging me because you feel sorry for me?" Amanda suddenly whispers, a hint of shame in her tone as she lays her head down on Olivia's shoulder. "Because of everything I told you last night?" There is a brief pause. "And because you found me in the bathtub?"

"No, honey, of course not," Olivia replies softly, her heart aching at the question and mind whirling with all of the new and upsetting information she has recently learned about the blonde detective, aware that there is so much more she doesn't yet know. "I'm hugging you because you said you were lonely and because you look like you could use one."

"Oh. Well, I guess it's okay, then," Amanda concedes in the same low tone as Olivia carefully wraps her arms around the small form and pulls Amanda closer, feeling her colleague's arms wrapping around her in return.

They are quiet once again and Olivia reaches for the remote to flick off the TV, as she has just about had enough with the irritating cartoons, and dead silence settles upon the apartment. It is not uncomfortable, per se, but more like contemplative, and Olivia strokes a gentle hand over Amanda's head, her cheek resting lightly against the tangled blonde locks, and she has a feeling the other woman's mind is running about a mile a minute as she can practically hear the thoughts whirling around inside her head.

"Are you okay?" she finally murmurs, breaking the silence between them, as she is concerned that the younger woman's thoughts are spiraling deeper into darkness after divulging some of the secrets of her past during the night.

"Liv, I think it goes without saying that all of this...everything I've told you...that it stays between us," Amanda whispers, leaning back to gaze up at Olivia with piercing blue eyes, that hint of vulnerability continuing to shine through even though she is longer on the heavy medication.

"Honey, it's already been said," Olivia reminds her gently, swiping a golden strand of hair away from the other woman's face. "I would never betray your confidence. What happened all those years ago is for you to tell. Or not," she adds, looking at Amanda very intently now, thinking of how much has been left unsaid and wondering if she will ever hear the whole story. "It's up to you. I feel very privileged that you trusted me enough to tell me, though."

"I've never told anyone this stuff before, Liv," Amanda replies quietly, staring back at Olivia with a very serious expression. "I don't make a habit of sharing my personal hell with other people. I don't tell my friends or co-workers. I've gotten used to keeping everything to myself; I've always _wanted_ to keep everything to myself."

She pauses briefly, blowing out a long breath before continuing. "Honestly, this never even would have come out if it wasn't for that asshole trying to kill me on Friday, and these damn drugs that I've been on. I've never been good with the heavy painkillers; I can't handle them very well, even though they're a necessary evil sometimes. I never know what's going to happen when I'm on them and I usually end up talking about things that I never would have otherwise."

"Well, I'm glad it did come out, Amanda," Olivia says in response, keeping her gaze locked steadily on the younger woman and tightening her arms around the small form, ever mindful of the detective's injuries. "Or some of it, anyway," she adds softly. "I think it needed to come out. You've been keeping everything bottled up inside for years now and it can only hurt you. Trust me, I know."

Amanda frowns slightly at this reply and squeezes Olivia's hand gently, Olivia smiling softly at her and realizing that she may one day decide to share her own personal hell with her colleague; the torment she had gone through with her own mother in her youth, but that now is definitely not the time. Amanda has been through way too much in the past couple of days; mentally, emotionally, and physically, and there is no way Olivia will be adding to that burden, at least not any time soon.

Amanda seems to sense that this is not territory she should be straying into at the moment, and closes her mouth after parting her lips briefly to respond, instead letting Olivia continue to speak. "I don't like how this whole thing came about; that you had to be hurt and on medication before sharing some of your pain with someone, but I'm glad you shared it with me."

"There's no one else I would rather have shared it with, Liv," Amanda whispers, biting down on her lower lip as her eyes dart away for a quick second, and Olivia raises her eyebrows instead of replying verbally, the other woman continuing to surprise her this morning.

"I..." Amanda trails off for a moment, her gaze meeting Olivia's again, wide blue eyes filled with incredible pain but perfectly clear, no traces of drugs or sleep visible now. "I feel safe with you, Liv. Even when we don't get along, when I'm not listening to you and doing as I'm told and you're snapping at me in return, I've always known that I was safe with you; that if I was ever going to talk about what had happened in my past with anyone, that you would be the one I would tell."

Olivia feels a wave of warmth spreading through her chest and radiating out through her entire body, dark eyes prickling with the sudden threat of tears and throat tight with this stunning admission from her younger colleague, having had no idea that Amanda has felt this way. She recalls the other woman's drugged admission that she wished the two of them were friends, best friends even, and Olivia has not been entirely sure what has been real and what has been drug-induced, but Amanda doesn't have the excuse of hardcore narcotics now. The physical and emotional pain that the blonde detective is currently experiencing is very obvious at the moment, but this is the real Amanda who is talking now; the one who had spilled some of her deepest, darkest secrets during the night and the one who is telling Olivia that she is the only person she feels safe enough to share these things with.

"I can't say that about too many people, Liv," Amanda is saying in a hushed tone, a tear balancing precariously on her lower lashes. "I know we've had our differences but there has always been something about you, even when we've been fighting; something that radiates safety and security and comfort. That must have been the reason why you were the first person to spring to mind when I had to choose someone to take home with me."

A fiery red blush suddenly spreads across the younger woman's cheeks and Olivia tilts her head to the side in perplexity, still trying as hard as she can to push down the emotions that are threatening to burst forth from within and engulf her. "Even in my drugged state, I guess I knew that Lieutenant Livvy was going to take good care of me," Amanda mutters, one corner of her lip quirking up into a sheepish grin.

Olivia throws her head back and laughs, the spell of seriousness seemingly broken between them for now, although her chest still feels tight with lingering emotion. "Well, I'll always be there to take good care of Detective Mandy," she teases gently, a matching grin spreading across her own face when she sees the blush darkening on Amanda's cheeks.

"Oh man, I will never live that down," the smaller woman groans, covering her eyes with her hands in a somewhat dramatic fashion, and Olivia chuckles softly, reaching up to pull Amanda's fingers away and lace them together with her own.

"It's okay, honey," she assures her gently, giving their joined fingers a brief squeeze. "The nickname is actually very sweet but don't you dare tell anyone I said that," she jokingly threatens, remembering Carisi using the name in a teasing way the day before and not wanting a repeat of it. "You're the only one who can get away with calling me that, okay?"

"Okay," Amanda whispers, the pretty pink blush still staining her cheeks and her lips remaining curved into a small smile. "I didn't know I could get away with so much around you, Liv. You've never been so lenient with me before. Maybe I should take drugs more often, huh?" she adds cheekily, and Olivia fixes her with a mock glare.

"Be careful what you try to get away with, Amanda," Olivia warns with a chuckle. "Do I need to remind you that I came out here to find you cuddling with the giant stuffed bear that Fin and Carisi brought over? I'm sure you wouldn't want them finding out about that."

"But didn't Carisi talk about the bear being something I could cuddle with instead of cuddling with you?" Amanda murmurs, the embarrassment very apparent in both her tone and expression now, and she appears to be trying to recall the conversation that had taken place when the guys had walked in the door the day before. "I guess that didn't work out too well, huh?"

Olivia can hear the subtle change in the other woman's voice and can feel it in the sudden stiffness of her body, the embarrassment seeming to give way to shame and guilt, and she tightens her hold around Amanda when the detective tries to pull away from her. "It's okay, honey," she soothes, all traces of humor and teasing disappearing from her voice. "I don't mind, and you don't need to be ashamed because of it. I think you need it right now, and to be perfectly honest, so do I. These last couple of days haven't been easy for me either, Amanda. It's been very hard to watch you go through all of this."

The younger woman ceases all movements when Olivia is speaking, the words seeming to put a halt to her escape plan and a different expression crossing her delicate features now, one that looks to be a combination of sympathy and doubt. Amanda hovers uneasily beside her on the couch, perched warily on the edge of the cushions, and Olivia waits there patiently because it looks like the detective wants to say something.

"Liv, I'm just-" Amanda stumbles on her words, and Olivia nods at her to continue, a small smile gracing her lips. "I'm just not used to having anyone who cares...someone who actually listens to me and believes me and wants to hold me. I've never..." The smaller woman trails off again, biting down on her lower lip before looking up at Olivia through lowered lashes. "I've never had _this_ before." She gestures between the two of them with a shaky hand, appearing somewhat incredulous with the situation. "I mean, I do have friends. Fin and Carisi are like the brothers I never had. But I've never had anyone I could actually talk to. I'm just so used to people leaving..."

"Well, that's not going to happen with me," Olivia answers, her tone quietly fierce, and she thinks she may burst from the amount of sorrow and empathy that is coursing through her system now, just wanting to make everything okay for this woman who has been her co-worker for all of these years but who she has begun to see in a different light, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be the best friend that Amanda has apparently always wished her to be. "Please don't push me away, honey. I think that's what I've been doing to you since you got to New York; pushing you away when you wanted to be friends. I'm so sorry for that, but I'm here now, Amanda, and I will never push you away again, I promise. Don't be embarrassed for leaning on me when you need to, okay?"

Amanda nods slowly in response and their eyes are locked intensely on one another now, Olivia rubbing a gentle hand up and down the other woman's arm as they gaze at each other.

"Liv..." Amanda's words are still coming out haltingly, like she is afraid to continue speaking, and Olivia nods encouragingly again, fingers tracing soothing circles across the material of the detective's pajama shirt. "I'm scared," she says simply, and then abruptly stops talking, wide blue eyes boring so intently into Olivia's own dark ones that it sends an unintended shiver down her spine.

"Why?" she asks softly. "Why are you scared, honey?"

"I'm scared of your reaction," Amanda admits after a brief pause, and there is so much emotion evident in that simple sentence and residing in those anguished eyes that Olivia feels a sudden tightness in her chest. "I'm scared you'll think differently of me if you knew what I did to save my sister."

"Amanda, I would _never_ think differently of you," Olivia assures her vehemently, her fingers tightening around the younger woman's arm. "I know Richard made you do things that you didn't want to do-"

"You don't understand, Olivia," Amanda cuts in abruptly, and this time she pulls away entirely, freeing her arm from Olivia's grasp and shifting over on the cushions to create some space between them, a sharp gasp of pain emitting from her lips.

"Then help me understand," Olivia replies, softening her tone and trying to remain seated where she is instead of moving over to wrap Amanda back up into her protective embrace. "Talk to me, honey."

Amanda's eyes are bright with tears once again, and there is so much shame and regret on her face that it takes Olivia's breath away. "I can't," the younger woman whispers raggedly. "I can't even bring myself to say the words."


	10. Chapter 10

**This chapter is rated "M" for discussions of sexual violence, so please keep that in mind before reading any further, if this is something that triggers you.**

 **This is the final chapter of the story. Thank you for reading and for all of the wonderful reviews; I appreciate them so very much! I am aiming to have my next fic posted by the end of the week. :)**

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Olivia is leaning against the door of the bathroom, her body taut with apprehension and her head resting against the grain of wood, knocking repeatedly with one hand while the fingers of the other rattle the locked handle impatiently back and forth. Her heart is fluttering wildly in her chest and her hand is damp with perspiration as she continues rapping loudly on the door and calling her co-worker's name over and over again, frowning deeply when she doesn't receive an answer.

"Amanda, please come out of there!" Olivia calls, trying to keep the alarm from her voice as she presses an ear to the door, listening for the sound of running water to indicate the shower being turned on, or for any kind of reply or movement whatsoever from the younger woman.

"Leave me alone, Liv," a muffled voice finally responds, followed by a soft whimper of pain and Olivia releases a ragged sigh, the guilt and regret she now feels threatening to swallow her whole.

She had seen it coming when they had been talking on the couch in the living room a few minutes earlier, and should have shut the conversation down immediately; that gleam of panic in Amanda's emotional and pain-filled gaze, the blonde detective inching further and further away from her on the couch until she had sprung to her feet in a surprisingly energetic manner, delicate facial features contorted in agony, and taking off for the bathroom before Olivia had been able to stop her. She is beginning to despise this room that Amanda has locked herself into, as every event that has occurred inside its walls since Olivia had arrived at her subordinate's apartment for her short stay has been extremely distressing for both herself and the woman currently hiding on the other side of the door.

"Amanda, we don't have to talk about it, honey," Olivia says soothingly, her eyes drifting wearily closed as she continues to rest her head against the door in an exhausted manner, scratching her fingernails lightly across the wood. "If you can't bring yourself to say the words, you don't have to. We can talk about it later on or not at all; it's totally up to you. I thought it would make you feel better to get everything out into the open but obviously I was wrong, and I don't want to pressure you at all. I'm sorry."

She pauses for a long moment, waiting for any kind of response but there is only more silence. "Will you please come out of there?" Olivia asks again, a pleading note in her tone now, as she is not at all comfortable with leaving Amanda alone for any length of time while she is so injured and emotional.

"No," a small voice replies, and Olivia heaves an additional deep sigh.

The quiet stretches out for another long moment and Olivia's brain is racing with several different scenarios now, wondering how she will proceed with the situation if Amanda decides to stay in there and completely ignore her; contemplating either returning to the couch and letting her colleague come out when she's had some time to herself, or taking the opposite course of action and breaking the door down. Olivia realizes that this option is extremely drastic and dramatic and bordering on completely ridiculous, but she is very worried for Amanda's physical and mental health and would feel much better if she could keep her eyes on the younger woman, even if they don't say another word to each other for the rest of the day.

"Will you at least open the door, then?" she implores softly, silently begging the small detective to exit the bathroom so that it will ease the growing anxiety she has for Amanda's safety. They have been in this position far too many times over the past couple of days, with the other woman repeatedly putting herself into potentially dangerous situations, and Olivia wishes Amanda could find another way to deal with her issues; something that doesn't involve fleeing the immediate area when a certain discussion becomes too overwhelming for her to handle, or attempting to take a shower to feel clean when she can barely stand up by herself for longer than a few minutes at a time.

The relief that floods through Olivia's system is instantaneous and immense when she hears a slow shuffling across the bathroom tiles and feels a sharp click of the lock that her hand is still resting upon. The door doesn't open, though, and from what she can tell, Amanda seems to be backing away from it again so Olivia makes sure to ask permission before opening the door very carefully once the blonde woman has granted it.

She feels a sharp ache inside her chest when the small, forlorn figure is revealed to her, Amanda sitting on the floor with her back resting against the side of the tub, legs splayed out in front of her and hands lying limply in her lap. Tousled golden hair lays in disarray around her shoulders and the polka-dotted pajamas she is wearing are rumpled and creased, white bandages from the wounds on her chest peeking out from the top of the flannel material. The younger woman's features are tightly pinched like she is in severe physical or emotional pain, a deep frowning marring Amanda's pretty face and furrowing her brow, and Olivia suspects that it is a combination both.

"Hey there, honey," she says gently, kneeling down on the floor in front of Amanda but making sure to keep her distance so that her colleague doesn't feel crowded or threatened. "How're you doing?"

Amanda shrugs, wide blue eyes cloudy with pain and fatigue, and Olivia sidles slightly closer to her on the cold, hard tiles.

"Do you want to go back out to the living room so we can sit on the couch?" she suggests softly, tilting her head to the side as she watches Amanda's expression attentively, trying to get a read on how the other woman is feeling. "This bathroom floor doesn't feel too comfortable for me, so I can only imagine how it must feel for you. Or I can tuck you back into bed, if you think you might want to have a little rest."

Amanda shrugs again but shifts on the floor like she is making a move to stand up, so Olivia immediately springs to her feet to be of some assistance to the detective when she hears the familiar little grunts of pain, asking permission to touch her first before wrapping her arms around the smaller woman and practically lifting her into a standing position, Amanda trembling vigorously against her.

Olivia slowly unwinds her arms from around the shuddering body and turns to leave the room after making sure Amanda is steady on her feet, assuming they are either going straight to her co-worker's bed or back out to the couch, when the other woman surprises her by climbing shakily over the side of the bathtub and sitting down on the hard porcelain surface, tucking her knees up to her chest and wincing briefly with the movements.

"Honey, what are you doing in there?" Olivia questions softly as she crouches down on the floor in front of the tub, knowing any drugs that Amanda had previously taken are more than likely out of her system by this point, so the younger woman's heartbreaking and somewhat bizarre behavior cannot be blamed on the medication but presumably on the conversation they had been having in the living room before the detective had made her escape.

Amanda doesn't answer, her co-worker seemingly either at a loss for words or just choosing not to speak, so Olivia decides to take a chance and reaches out to rest a gentle hand on the other woman's kneecap, squeezing lightly and feeling the trembling of Amanda's leg beneath her soft touch.

"Do you still feel like you need to take a shower?" she asks quietly and watches Amanda nod slowly, the detective's face crumpling slightly at the question.

"I'm sorry, honey," Olivia says sympathetically, the words very heartfelt as she gives her colleague's knee another tender squeeze. "I'm sorry you can't take one right now. Do you want me to help you wash off again, like I did yesterday? I know it's not the same as being able to take a shower, but would it at least help you to feel a little bit cleaner?"

"I can't..." Amanda begins to respond before trailing off and Olivia squeezes her knee for a third time to encourage the younger woman to finish her sentence, very relieved that Amanda has finally decided to start talking to her. "I can't...take my clothes off right now, Liv. I can't...be naked in front of anyone else right now. Not with him in my head."

"Okay," Olivia whispers, her throat growing tight with this halting admission from her colleague, Amanda's head bowing forward so that her chin dips down to her chest, tangled blonde tresses forming a matted golden curtain that partially obscure her facial features. "I understand, honey."

They sit there in silence for a moment and Olivia reaches out with a tentative hand, gently parting the waterfall of long hair to try and get a look at Amanda's expression. "What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here for a few minutes?"

Amanda nods, still keeping her gaze firmly averted, and Olivia rubs a hand softly over the top of her head, smoothing a tender palm along the mussed blonde strands. "Does it help to sit in there; to be close to the shower, even if you can't take one? Does it make you feel better?"

When Amanda nods again, this time looking up at her through lowered lashes, blue eyes full of discomfort and shame, Olivia gives her a nod in return, gracing her with a slight smile of understanding. "Then that's what we'll do. We can stay in here for as long as you need to."

Amanda's lip lifts somewhat at the corner in what might be a gesture of acknowledgment and Olivia watches her reach up to grasp onto the hand that is still stroking over her head, holding onto it with a firm grip and lacing their fingers together before bringing their joined hands down to rest beneath her chin and laying her cheek upon them.

Olivia's heart melts at this sweet gesture and she leans over to run her other hand over Amanda's shoulder to get the detective's attention when she glances away again. "Is it okay if I sit in there with you, honey?" she asks with a certain amount of hesitancy. "Do you want some company?"

"Sure, Liv," Amanda murmurs in response, giving a slight tug on their entwined fingers as if to pull Olivia toward her and she smiles gently, disentangling their hands long enough to climb over the side of the bathtub and sit down on the cold, hard surface beside her colleague.

They huddle there together fully dressed in the tub, shoulder to shoulder and hip to hip, hands wrapped around one another again, Amanda's head coming to rest on Olivia's shoulder and Olivia leaning her own head against Amanda's in return.

She loses track of the time and has no idea how long they sit there without speaking, just taking comfort in each other's presence, Olivia silently lending her strength and support to Amanda, and her intense worry with the situation finally winding down so that she can start to relax a little and feel more at ease with the situation. Her entire body is very cramped and stiff all folded up in the tub like this, her limbs intertwined with Amanda's, but Olivia refuses to voice an objection or a complaint with their current position, not caring how strange these circumstances are and only concerned that Amanda feels safe and protected from whatever is tormenting the younger woman inside her mind.

"Liv?" Amanda finally whispers after the quiet has stretched out between them for a seemingly endless amount of time.

"Yeah, honey?" Olivia replies softly, squeezing the small, cold hand that is enveloped within her own.

"I'm sorry I ran away from you earlier," Amanda murmurs in such a low tone of voice that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "I know you want me to talk to you about what happened with Richard."

"You don't have to apologize," Olivia assures the detective gently. "And it's your decision whether or not you want to talk about it."

"I _do_ want to talk about it," Amanda says with a quiet insistence. "I just don't want..."

"You don't want me to think differently of you," Olivia finishes for her when the other woman can't seem to complete her sentence, and she feels Amanda nod in affirmation against her shoulder.

"I really like this, Liv," her colleague admits faintly, gesturing between them with a slightly shaking hand. "I like that we're friends now and I don't want things to change."

"Honey, they're not going to change," Olivia tells the detective somewhat vehemently, her heart aching at the younger woman's vulnerable admission. "Whatever it is that you want to say, I promise we will still be friends and I will not think any differently of you."

"Don't make promises you can't keep," Amanda mutters under her breath, repeating what she had said when she had been under the influence of the pain medication.

"Hey," Olivia says gently, lifting her head up and then reaching down to place a finger beneath the detective's chin to tilt her face upwards so they are looking one another in the eye now. "Remember when I told you that I never break a promise?"

Amanda nods reluctantly, and she continues speaking. "There is nothing you can say that will make me think any differently of you. I'm not going to look down on you for something that you did to save your sister."

"Even if I initiated it?" Amanda whispers, her blue eyes wide and unblinking as she stares intensely back at Olivia now, small body beginning to shudder again.

"Initiated what, honey?" Olivia asks softly, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind the smaller woman's ear, steeling herself because she knows what Amanda is going to say and even though the detective hasn't spoken the actual words yet, it still hurts beyond measure.

Her colleague's chin is trembling now and there are tears brimming in her eyes, and Olivia lightly strokes the back of her knuckles across a prominent pale cheekbone. "It's okay, Amanda," she encourages her co-worker quietly. "It's okay to tell me. I'll still be here holding onto you when you're done and everything will be exactly the same as it is now. We'll still be friends and I won't think any differently of you."

"I'm so ashamed of myself," Amanda chokes out, removing her hand from Olivia's grasp to cover her face, and Olivia pulls the other woman into her comforting embrace, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head and rocking them both back and forth soothingly.

"You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, honey," she assures the small detective fiercely. "You didn't do anything wrong. Richard was the bad guy, not you."

"But I came onto him, Liv," Amanda sniffs, her voice catching in her throat as she pulls away slightly to look Olivia dead in the eye again. "It was my idea. I made a deal with him."

"What kind of deal?" she asks softly, taking Amanda's hands into her own again as they sit there cross-legged in the tub, their knees pressed against each other, face to face and eye to eye, and the raw unadulterated anguish in the younger woman's expression is almost too much for her to bear.

"He was escalating in his behavior," Amanda explains in a hushed tone, tears pooling at the edges of her big blue eyes again but not falling. "He was getting much more aggressive, but in a different kind of way than smacking us around or screaming at us. It was moving beyond just hiding in our bedroom and bathroom closets and spying on us while we took showers or to make sure we didn't sneak out of the house at night. I could see exactly where it was going, even if Kim couldn't. She was so much more naive than I was, and he knew it."

The younger woman takes a deep breath before continuing, Olivia rubbing her hands soothingly up and down the small detective's arms as she talks, trying to ground Amanda with her touch so her colleague doesn't become too lost in the horrific memories she is describing. "Richard was much more interested in Kim for just that reason, and I knew it was only a matter of time before he hurt her in a new and sickening way, so I was determined to put a stop to it before it could happen. I had been trying my hardest to protect my sister from the worst of his abuse without telling anyone because he was always threatening to kill us if we did, and I was mostly successful with protecting her, so there was no way I was going to let him do what he wanted to do to her."

Amanda's chin suddenly droops down like she is too weary to go on, her head bowing forward to rest lightly against Olivia's chest, and she stokes a gentle hand through the unruly blonde tresses, whispering words of comfort to the younger woman and asking if she needs to stop. Amanda shakes her head to indicate that she wants to keep going but she buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck as she continues speaking, seemingly too ashamed or too exhausted to maintain eye contact.

"This was worse than what happened with Patton," Amanda confirms softly, her voice muffled against the shirt that Olivia had dressed in the day before, not having had the chance to change into some pajamas to sleep in, yesterday's jeans pulling uncomfortably against her stomach in this tight, contorted position in the tub. "It was Patton's idea to...do what we did, and I accepted before ultimately changing my mind. But this time I was the one who was offering, and Richard accepted. It was the only thing I could think of to do to keep him away from Kim. I promised to let him do anything he wanted to me if he didn't touch her in that way. She was underage, a minor, and I was about to graduate from high school. I was the more appropriate choice."

Amanda chokes on the word 'appropriate' and Olivia pulls the other woman as close to her own body as she possibly can, her heart aching with the detective's confessions of her youth and wishing she could somehow take away her pain, but coming to the conclusion that what she is doing now; bearing witness to what Amanda had gone through all those years ago, is the best way she can be of help.

"At first he was angry that I was trying to make a deal with him, that I wanted to make a trade for my sister's safety," Amanda whispers, breathing ragged puffs of air against the warm skin of Olivia's neck. "He liked to be in control and call the shots but I said I would make it worth his while. I let him do whatever he wanted and didn't complain because I knew it would keep him happy and he wouldn't go after Kim." Olivia feels the other woman shrug against her and she smooths a hand down the back of Amanda's wrinkled pajama shirt. "We established a sick sort of routine and it worked...for a little while, anyway."

"Why did it stop working?" Olivia asks quietly, closing her eyes tightly as if this action will protect her from Amanda's answer, her stomach tied up in knots and a sharp pain residing inside her chest as she listens to the small detective spill her deepest and darkest secrets, unsure of whether or not she wants to hear the answer.

"Because I said no to him," Amanda murmurs after a brief hesitation, and again her words are barely audible when she speaks. "Just like with Patton, I changed my mind and took away my consent. It was the first time I had ever said no in that particular circumstance." There is a slight pause followed by a deeply inhaled breath. "But just like with Patton, Richard wouldn't take no for an answer."

"I'm so sorry, honey," Olivia whispers against the bent blonde head, her throat tightly constricted as she rubs her hand more vigorously up and down the younger woman's back and feels the intense shuddering of the small body beneath her palm. "What made you decide to say no?"

There is another pause and this one stretches out for so long that Olivia thinks Amanda isn't going to respond, and she opens her mouth to apologize for asking and to assure her colleague that she doesn't have to keep talking, when Amanda suddenly begins speaking again.

"I was so angry with him," she replies quietly, leaning away from Olivia to fix her with those large blue eyes that are swimming with a pain so deep it takes Olivia's breath away. "My mom had taken Kim out for the evening to shop for some new summer clothes and I was trying to study for final exams. Richard wouldn't leave me alone, ranting and raving about what a terrible man my father was and telling me that I was going to grow up to be a good-for-nothing gambler just like him. He would go on these long tirades about my dad, spewing all this hate for him and saying how he had stepped up and taken care of this family when my father couldn't. How he was a real man and my dad had just run away like a coward. How he could satisfy my mom when my father couldn't and that's why she had cheated on him."

Amanda shakes her head in disgust. "I just hit my breaking point with Richard that night, Liv. I couldn't stand listening to that monster going on and on about what an awful man my father was after everything he had done and was still doing to Kim and I, like Richard was some kind of saint who had swooped in to save us after my asshole of a father had run out on us." The younger woman snorts in contempt, her lip curling up derisively at the side, and Olivia is glad to see a small spark of Amanda's usual attitude and personality peeking out from all of that anguish and sorrow, both astonished and understanding of her colleague's intense loyalty to a family who in no way deserved it, each member either abandoning or ignoring or using her in their own twisted way.

"He started getting very aggressive with me, pulling on my clothes and dragging me towards the bed when I was trying to study, telling me that I had made a deal with him and I couldn't back out now." Amanda presses herself so close to Olivia that the smaller woman is practically in her lap now, seeming to need as much physical comfort as possible while she confesses the worst of what happened with Richard, and Olivia clutches onto the detective as tightly as she can without hurting her in the process, wanting to give Amanda everything she needs.

"It was almost summer and it was really hot out, so all the window were open and everyone could hear us. What happened between us was loud and violent, so different from how it usually was because this time I fought back and he couldn't keep himself under the usual control that he was so good at maintaining. I had just had enough." Amanda is breathing more rapidly now and Olivia rocks her soothingly again, pressing another soft kiss to the top of her head.

"I couldn't get away from him, no matter how hard I tried. He was so much bigger and stronger than I was and he overpowered me. I couldn't keep quiet this time; I couldn't stop screaming. It hurt so much and I just wanted him to leave me alone. There were so many people outside because of the hot weather and a couple of our next door neighbors heard what was going on." Amanda shifts in her embrace so that she is looking up at Olivia now, her lip quirking in a humorless smile. "They did what my mother had never done. They called the police and ran into our house to pull Richard off of me. He was caught in the act. There were witnesses and my physical exam at the hospital to prove it, so it was pretty hard for him to smooth-talk his way out of it this time."

"I'm so glad he was caught, honey," Olivia says softly, and the emotions that have been rising steadily to the surface as Amanda has shared her story come spilling out in the form of tears that leave wet pathways to trail over her cheeks and drip off her chin to land in Amanda's hair. The tears only come harder when the small detective reaches up to wipe them away for her with a gentle hand, her colleague's tender empathy in the face her own pain forcing Olivia to stifle a sudden devastated sob on the younger woman's behalf, angrily chastising herself because she is the one who is supposed to be comforting Amanda right now, not the other way around.

"So what happened afterwards?" Olivia asks quietly, and realizes she has become so wrapped up in their conversation that she has forgotten they are having this serious discussion while still sitting fully dressed in the bathtub, her aching body reminding her of their current position when she shifts slightly on the rock hard porcelain.

"I left as soon as I could," Amanda replies flatly. "Once the trial was over and Richard had been put away and I knew my sister was safe, I got the hell out of there and didn't look back. Education was my escape and I wanted to make something of myself; I wanted to help people who had been through what I had." There is a slight pause. "And I couldn't stand to be around my mother anymore. She never even acknowledged that she had known what was happening and let it continue without trying to put a stop to it; she has never once admitted it and has never apologized to me. Even to this day, she still claims that she had no idea what was taking place right under her nose."

"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Olivia whispers, her heart aching in her chest when she thinks of the small blonde teenager all alone and trying to navigate her way through the aftermath of so much pain without the help and guidance and love of a mother who never should have let it happen in the first place. "You mentioned that Richard had passed away a long time ago," she hedges somewhat nervously. "What happened to him?"

"The asshole had a heart attack in prison," Amanda mutters, rolling her eyes in contempt. "Apparently the stress of being incarcerated was too much for him to handle. He was much more of a delicate little flower than he made himself out to be and couldn't handle it when the tables were turned; when he wasn't keeping Kim and I prisoners in own home anymore and was instead a prisoner himself." The younger woman gives a snort of disgust. "I mean, obviously the heart attack was something beyond his control and wasn't planned, but I couldn't help thinking that he had taken the easy way out and wasn't punished for his sins. He was only in there for a few months before he died."

"Well, I'm glad he's dead," Olivia spits out vehemently, taking them both by surprise with the sheer amount of venom in her tone, this time not even bothering to hide what she is truly feeling, like she had after their suspect had succumbed to his injuries in the hospital the day before, relieved that the man who had put her colleague-turned-friend through so much torment is no longer among the land of the living. "I'm glad he can't hurt you anymore and that he didn't have a chance to get out and hurt anyone else."

"I'm glad about that part too, Liv," Amanda replies in a hushed tone and Olivia watches her glance away, seemingly unable to maintain eye contact any longer.

"What?" she says softly, stroking a hand over the other woman's cheekbone. "What is it?"

Amanda looks at her again, the detective's blue gaze burning with a mixture of pain and shame. "For all of his faults and all of the things he did wrong, Richard was right about one thing." Olivia watches her colleague swallow hard and she squeezes Amanda's shoulder because she knows exactly where this conversation is going. "I turned out to be a good-for-nothing gambler just like he said I would, just like my father."

"Amanda, _no_ ," Olivia whispers fiercely, grasping on tightly to both of the smaller woman's shoulders when Amanda's delicate features twist in agony. "You are _nothing_ like your father, do you hear me? You are good and brave and kind, and you chose to step up and protect your sister when no one else would, even though you were still a kid yourself. You are one of the most courageous people I have ever known and you are nothing like the man who abandoned his kids and left them to that monster."

"I did turn into a gambler, though, Liv," Amanda says softly, that shame and regret still evident in her tone, and the detective's hands are gripping Olivia's forearms now as they stare intently at each other in the tub. "When I left town, I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had no help to deal with what had happened, I said no to therapy and just tried to bury everything and pretend it didn't exist. The pain came out eventually, though, in the form of gambling. Once I started, it took a long time before I could stop, and I don't think those urges will ever completely go away. It was a high that I'd never experienced before and have never been able to match since; a high that nothing else seems to compare to, a way to make the pain stop and fill the emptiness with something exhilarating."

"It's an addiction, Amanda," Olivia replies gently, unable to stand that look of guilt and self-loathing that is evident in the other woman's expression, and needing the small detective to know that she has nothing to be ashamed of. "You've done everything you could to help yourself by acknowledging the problem and getting a handle on it and doing your best to keep it under control. You have chosen to face the issue head-on instead of running away from it. You're not your father, honey," she repeats quietly, pushing a mop of blonde hair away from the other woman's forehead.

Amanda doesn't verbally reply but nods slowly in response, her lips pursed thoughtfully and a slight frown fixed on her delicate features, and they lapse into silence for a long moment, a certain air of relief seeming to surround them now, instead of the tension and panic from earlier.

"Thank you for trusting me enough to share everything with me," Olivia finally says softly, gazing at Amanda with pride and wonder, as the younger woman sitting before is so much stronger than she had initially perceived, even though she has always known her detective to be loyal and capable and brave, but there is a whole other dimension to her colleague that she hadn't been previously aware of that has been revealed to her. "And I will reiterate my promise that this stays between you and me. I won't tell a soul, you have my word."

"Well, like I said earlier, Liv, there's no one else I would rather have shared it with," Amanda replies lightly, picking up Olivia's hand in both of her own and giving it a grateful squeeze. "And thank you for keeping it between us."

"I know that was a lot for you to talk about, honey," Olivia says gently, giving Amanda's hands a return squeeze and noticing how clammy and shaky they are beneath her touch. "But if you ever need to talk more about what happened with Richard or anything else, anything at all, please don't hesitate to come to me. I'll always be here for you."

"Thank you, Liv," Amanda whispers, her voice sounding slightly choked when she speaks again.

"You're more than welcome," Olivia replies, the squeeze she gives to the younger woman's hands more firm now and she shifts in the tub to begin getting to her feet, her aching body protesting every tiny movement and reminding her that she is much too old to be hanging out in such a confined space in this unnatural position. "Now, we need to get you out of here and either tucked into bed or settled back onto the couch because I can tell by the look on your face that you're in absolute agony. I don't think spending so much time in the tub is doing anything to help your injuries."

Olivia knows that she is right when not only does Amanda refrain from protesting when she is called out on being in an extreme amount of pain, but also doesn't object to the suggestion of finally take some more pain medication, not complaining at all when Olivia leads her into the bedroom and sits her down to perch on the edge of the bed while handing her a couple of pills and the glass of water from the nightstand.

"Alright, come on, honey, what do you say we cuddle up on the couch together and watch some of those obnoxious cartoons you had playing on the TV earlier?" Olivia suggests, taking the cup back from the other woman when she is done with it and reaching down to help Amanda back to her feet, relieved that those familiar and heartbreaking grunts of pain she is currently listening to will be taken care of at some point soon, once the drugs kick in again.

"We can even snuggle with that giant stuffed bear again, if you want to," she adds mischievously, earning herself a mock glare and an eye roll from her co-worker.

"Sure, sounds like a plan, Liv," Amanda replies, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips as they head into the living room together, Olivia's arm wrapped protectively around her colleague's waist.

Once they are tucked side by side beneath the blanket on the couch and the cartoons are blaring on the television at top volume, it doesn't take long before Amanda is looking over at Olivia with a silly grin stretching across her pale face, those big blue eyes hooded and glazed, giggling woozily and the nickname 'Lieutenant Livvy' rolling off her tongue in a slurred tone of voice.

Olivia shakes her head in affection, an answering grin on her own face now, and suspects that she is in for yet another wild roller coaster ride.


End file.
